How Substitute Teaching Made Me a Better Parent

Being a parent is, in my opinion, the hardest job we can have as humans. We are literally raising the next group of people that will one day be in control of the world. Being born in 1987, I was very much a part of a generation of kids who weren't always put first. Many of us are the products of parents who were divorced and who worked more than they were home. I feel like in a lot of ways, our parent's generation's, mainly those who are considered Boomers or early Gen X'ers, failed to prepare us to be that next great generation. In many ways, their parents paved the way for their success and instead of being gracious, learning from, and preparing the next generation, it's as though they have wanted to take it all for themselves and leave us to fend for ourselves.

I know I am generalizing, and I know not everyone can relate or agree to this, but I am one of many who can. I have taken what I have and haven't learned from my childhood into my adulthood and have tried to apply that to not only my life but the lives of those I created and am responsible for. I have always loved children and I always knew that I wanted to be a mother and swore up and down that when I did have them I would be better and do better. I also concluded that being a parent isn't about control, it's about growth. I had someone tell me once that their kids are debts and she will pay off her "debt" when they turn 18. I disagreed, telling her my children are investments and not debts and the gig isn't up when they turn 18. I will always be their mother and if they need me, it wont end at their high school graduation.

One day my children are going to be adults and I treat them that way. However, as my kids have gotten older, I have felt the challenges of discipline, reward, and the never ending wondering if I am doing whats right and not failing them. It can be exhausting, especially if you include everything else life has already thrown and continues to throw.

My children just turned 7 and 4. The two are 3 years and 3 days apart. As many close siblings are; they either get along famously or there are high pitched screams and tears. It was the four of us (my husband included) and we had very little support so we decided to make a move to be closer to our extended family for our sake and the sake of our children.

Moving can be triggering of so many emotions. I found myself exhausted and constantly snapping at my two little ones as my husband and I tried to navigate our news lives and create a new routine. It would make me feel awful because I didn't feel I was treating them like the humans that they are, I was treating them like children who were driving me nuts. I could feel it, I know they could feel it, so when I enrolled my daughter into her new school, the district asked me if I would be interested in substitute teaching. I have a BA in History, so the thought of teaching wasn't a new one, it was just one I never went after. I agreed, signed up, and fell in love.

Often as parents, we see the good behavior in our children, and therefore expect it. I would go to bed sometimes wondering if my kids were just kids or a special kind of misbehaved. I would ask myself "Am I failing as a parent? Am I doing the best for my kids?" and when my husband would question the same I would tell him they are just kids and this is the way they are. However, I couldn't quite shake the thought that I might not be as good of a parent that I thought I could be when I myself was a child. I thought maybe subbing would give me more answers into my own children's behavior by experiencing other's. It did more than just open my eyes, it opened my heart.

As humans we obviously have emotions. I have a lot of them and I am not the best as processing some of them. Most adults have trouble with certain emotions, if we had it all figured out then we would be able to talk through and work through things logically instead of acting on impulse and emotion. Our brains don't fully develop until we are 25 years old and even then our passions can still overcome us. If even adults have issues with emotions, why do we put so many expectations on our children to have perfect behavior? Aren't we supposed to learn from our life experiences and mistakes? Just like us, that is how kids learn, and I am learning that kids should be encouraged to try and make mistakes, and rather than being scolded to feel awful about it, they need to be talked to, like a person about their actions and what that means.

My kids aren't a special kind of wild or misbehaved. They are kids and that is how kids can be. I really started to understand that more when I became a substitute teacher earlier this year. I started with the grades that I thought were the scariest- middle schoolers. In one district they were phenomenal and I let my guard down, thinking that this was too easy. In a different district I thought half of the kids wanted to beat me up. Some days are spent with rowdy elementary school kids who can't quite control their wiggles or impulses. I've had middle and high school kids just not give a damn. I've spent time with quiet students, bright students, loud students, kids who needed extra attention or help, kids who are blatantly rude and disrespectful, and absolute sweethearts. My point being- no two kids are created the same and instead of swift and harsh discipline, I take the road of understanding, and I take that home with me to my own children.

It is really easy to yell and get frustrated at children, let's face it- they can be as annoying as any other human on this planet. I was constantly getting irritated with my kids and reacting instead of understanding. If my child was having a meltdown, I felt like I might have one too. So when I walked into a difficult classroom for the first time, it was a group of 1st graders. My daughter is a 1st grader so I thought i had this one in the bag. These kids gave me a run for my money, and instead of shouting or getting frustrated with them, I tried to continue through the day in a positive manner. I went home exhausted and feeling like none of them wanted to listen or behave, but the one thing I didn't do was yell or make them feel like they were bad kids because of their behavior. Good kids make bad decisions all the time. Since I am not the teacher, I let her know what our day was like and she disciplined them in her way and I am sure it wasn't by being aggressive, being stern seems to do the trick.

So how has this experience made me a better parent? I think the easiest and most understandable explanation is patience and understanding. Like I said, my kids aren't a special kind of bad, they are just kids being kids. Instead of arguing with them and raising my voice, I listen to them, tell them to take a time out (which I make a positive thing), and try to work through whatever big emotion they might be feeling. I also have set important boundaries such as treats, screen time, and bedtime. They throw fits, I know adults who throw fits, but if we work through them I have found that they are actually learning something instead of feeling awful about being who they are- a human child.

I think if we all took the time to see how our children truly are in a societal setting like school, then we could understand that some of the expectations we set for them can feel impossible for them to achieve. I think that is why many kids act out, because negative attention is still attention after all. If we take the time to understand who they are as people and not just children we can help them grow into the independent and successful adults that I think most humans are capable of achieving. So if your child is boiling your blood tonight, take a minute to try to understand where their feelings are coming from instead of how they are making you feel with their behavior. You might learn something about yourself and they might learn an important lesson on life that they will carry with them forever.