How Going no Contact Changed my Life

He was the kind of man you did not want to cross. He did not see stumbling as a natural process. Someone had to be to blame when his child slipped up and fell. Being his niece was hard. I learned a lot from him. Most of it, I wish I didn't. He wasn’t an easy person to deal with. He was mean and a drunk but if you get past that something was there. Something I guess he thought didn’t show but I could see he was afraid. Of what, I am not sure.

He treated most people harshly. Part out of abuse, part out of his own insecurities. I hated going over to his apartment. Sure I liked my cousin's but he was always sitting drinking his vodka and cursing at something. Usually at me or my mother. We were always doing something wrong. One time I apparently faked my asthma. While he was yelling at me for faking a medical condition, he slurred his words. Until I got to the age where I refused to see him I got verbally abused every single time I saw him. I do not remember a time when he wasn't drunk. He was an angry drunk. He was always yelling and screaming at someone. It was usually me and my mother though. he had a wave of intense anger towards us for some strange reason. He didn't have the same anger towards the other people in our family.

His drinking had gotten so bad, that I had to mentally prepare myself for seeing him. When I was 18 my doctor put me on medication just to help me be in the same room as him. It helped but you shouldn't have to be on medication just to have a relationship with someone. It took me a long time to learn that I needed to have boundaries with him and not change them. I personally cannot be in the same house as him so I went no contact and haven't seen him since my grandfather's funeral, where he was drunk and cursed me out in front of everyone.

For a long time, I was afraid of becoming him. I am still scared that one day I will be the sad and angry alcoholic that he is. The violence he caused didn't leave visible wounds but mental ones. Like when I was a child I still flinch at violence, wherever I find it. even though I am adopted I'm worried that the only thing I got from him was his anger. I have a lot of fear about being like him.

Going no contact with my uncle was probably one of the best things I could have done. Since going no contact I learned more about my boundaries and how to help people struggling with addiction. There may be a time when he does change and gets sober we could have a relationship again but he knows that I will not allow him to continue to treat me like that. It takes a lot of power to let someone go. My mental health and my sanity are more important than having a relationship with a family member who is verbally abusive towards me and my mother. How do you mourn someone who is still alive? I know that he's still here but he's not the person he used to be. It has taken me years to be able to admit that I need to put my mental health first. His behavior whether it be because of a disease or not doesn't mean that I have to accept his actions as okay.