Holiday Without You

The tree is up, the fire is lit, the stockings are hung and if it were a picture, it would be the epitome of what a perfect Christmas should be. The holidays are a time of joy, love and laughter. A time where memories are created and traditions are born. Echos of the past that once brought smiles now bring silent tears. On the outside, all seems merry and bright, but when a loved one is missing on the holidays, pain and sorrow are all that's on the inside. How do you celebrate joy when someone you love is unable to celebrate too? And in the most permanent sense, they will never celebrate anything with you ever again. Before you get angry at me, and say “there is joy in heaven” or accuse me of being an atheist, I would like to say that I am a very Christian woman with a strong belief in life after death. God very much comes first in my life, but when grief takes over it is hard to feel anything else. It is hard to even be yourself. In the midst of your sorrow, life keeps charging on. You have no choice but to charge forward too. Putting on a smile when inside you are crying. Everyday you are going through the motions and just trying to get by from one day to the next, and with your best efforts facings all those “firsts” without them. You learn to master the art of looking OK and opening up just enough that no one questions what you are not telling. You learn to navigate with the pain hidden allowing just enough out to not look suspicious so that you can convince the world that you are healing. Heck, if you lie well enough you even began to convince yourself. And then, the holidays come. You feel lost, every decoration has a memory attached, every recipe, every song on the radio and every holiday movie. Suddenly, you are back at square one.

I can remember the glow in my fathers eyes when he would watch us open presents on Christmas like its an image that has been burned into my mind. I didn't know it as a child, but that image would be the thing that would get me through the holidays to come. My father loved giving gifts. It was such a chore to get him to open his presents because he was too busy watching everyone else opening theirs because that was his holiday joy. My father had this gift of giving and I swear he and my mother must have saved all year long for Christmas. We were fairly poor growing up, but at Christmas? You would never have known my parents struggled. In fact, I was always too embarrassed to show photos of our presents under the tree or go into detail about all I had received because I was worried that the other children did not have as much! My mother was the sensible one, every year she would have to pull the reigns on my fathers gift spending. But, it was inevitable, every year there would be gifts under the tree for her and for my brother and I that my dad managed to get without her knowing. (and sometimes even a gift for himself too.) My mother grieves the loss of my father which makes it hurt all the more. My mother lost her father the same year I lost mine. Just a few short months after me. We shared an understanding that Christmas that no mother and daughter ever wants to share.

Everyone will have advice for you of how to get through it. Some will help, some won't, but it all comes from the heart of someone who has or who is grieving too. I was at work one day, about a week after losing my father unexpectedly, I thought I was in a secluded spot and I let some tears fall. A lady I worked with saw me and decided to come offer some advice. I remember her telling me that the hardest part for her losing her parents was not being able to buy them gifts after they had both passed on. She told me that how she gets through the holidays is by still buying them gifts, wrapping them and placing them under the tree. She even buys them gifts for their birthdays or at random if she sees something in the store she knows they would like. For her, it brings back that joy of giving to those who she has lost and makes them feel closer. While that has yet to work for me, I hold on to hope that I will be able to find something that helps ease the pain the way she had. I hope that if and when I do, I have the strength to share it with someone else the way she so freely shared it with me. If you are struggling this Christmas with grief, and lets face it, 2020 has hit us all hard, know that you are not alone. Know that you do not need to hide behind a fake smile or a perfectly decorated home, lean into your grief when you need to because grief does not have a handbook, there is no perfect way or incorrect way to grieve. Just remember not to miss out on the new memories you can make with those who are still here. Whatever your situation, have a happy, healthy and safe holiday.