Help I need sleep!!

I thought I had put all this behind me. I have always been a night owl and ever since I was young I would stay up late and sleep as late as possible. But having children, particularly small ones, changes a lot of your habits. I was always told to sleep when the baby sleeps, but what do you do when the baby doesn’t sleep? But of course when my children were small I was in my 20’s. I am not going to say it was easy but looking back in light of what I know now it was not all that bad. Perspective is a powerful tool and this last year I learned that looking back I have never had a time in my life where I was truly sleep deprived, until now.

My new baby girl is thirteen years younger than my son and fifteen years younger than my oldest child. I have literally been finished changing diapers for almost a decade, not that it bothered me in the first place. But then we found out we were pregnant. In some ways it is a miracle. My wife and I had been told that we probably could not have any more children and we had made our peace with it. But then one day out of the blue we were expecting. But we figured that we had it under control. We were older, wiser and had the help of two teenagers, surely we could handle one more.

260 days later I sit and reflect on the fact that in all of those days I have not spent a whole night in my own bed. In fact my average time spent in bed during all those days is less than three hours. Some nights I get more but there are many more where I get even less. She fights sleep so hard and I can find no other way to comfort her than to hold her. Its colic from hell and it does not even end at night. Day time is as much a struggle as night, she never sleeps and so my wife, myself and my other children sit with bloodshot eyes and vacant expressions for dinner. We are all on edge, like deer in a field waiting for the hunter to strike and never more than now have I realized how important sleep really is.

Today things are ever so slightly better. I still get up every night but now she goes back to sleep easily if I put her in the bed with us. Of course this new arrangement comes with its own set of challenges. As she grows each day our bed becomes smaller and smaller and when she wrenches her arms free from her swaddling blanket she metamorphosis into a kickboxer punching and kicking me and my wife to try to defeat her nemesis, restful repose. Getting up to go to work becomes more and more difficult as time goes on and my friends and colleagues become more and more concerned for my physical and mental health.

Other people I interact with always have their own assessment of the situation. Looking at things from the outside they remark, "well you just spoil her,” and it stings because I am not trying to spoil her, it's not my intent. My intent is to survive. It can not truly be just because I am older either. In some ways I am more fit and active now than I was when my other children were small and they, now grown, are very helpful in many of the familial duties of raising a child. But it is not enough for her, she “needs” so much, more than is reasonable and sometimes I want to pull out what is left of my hair in frustration over my inability to sooth her.

But many times she is also the sweetest and funniest little thing on the planet. Just when it feels like we can go no further, she pours forth rays of sunshine that remind us that this too shall pass. At least we hope it will, as she moves toward being a toddler I dread what the future may hold for me and my wife. But honestly, whatever it may be, if I could just get a good solid week of sleep I know I could face it. That is the thing isn't it? You take for granted how essential a piece of your routine, your life, is when it is free and you can take it when you want it. But when it's governed by someone else, and that someone unknowingly but consistently robs you of it. It makes you realize just how much of a keystone of mental and physical health a good night sleep really is.