Heartache....

December 25th 2019 started as this amazing Christmas. Santa came, I got to see the joy in my kids faces. It was so joyful. Later, we went to visit my in laws and have Christmas supper. I noticed my husband was acting strange.

My gut, or maybe it was my heart, was telling me something wasn't in line in my life. That night... my life fell apart. My husband let, as the saying goes, the cat out of the bag. While I was visiting family he had been unfaithful. My heart shattered into an absolute million pieces. I didn't believe him and was in fact going through the first of the 5 stages of grief, denial. I told him I didn't believe him and asked him over and over if he swore it was true. After, I cried out in hurt, heart ache, disbelief. So many emotions my mind, or my body, was not ready for.

So many thoughts ran through my head. I moved out to Arizona from my whole family whom I had left in Georgia for him. What am I going to do about living arrangements, my marriage, the pets, and worse of all, what am I going to tell the kids. Even though Zo is just the mere age of 1, Mason is 3. He knows allot more than we think and listens to everything. I was just a ball of mess trying to figure out what I was going to do.

The next day brought the anger. The first time I spoke with my husband after the earth shattering news, I had to speak to him in a public place. My Southern blood was boiling. My thoughts were so jumbled and misplaced I knew my anger would get the best of me if we were in a private setting. I looked into his eyes and he could barely return the eye contact. He had tears welling in his eyes. I could see the guilt and the sorrow in his soul. I knew that he had been holding this in for a while and to finally have it out he was afraid he had lost everything. In fact, I felt like I had instead. I felt like I had lost my husband, my marriage, my family, my well, life.

My words to him were broken up by the fight against tears. My heart though, it had made a decision. I NEED this to work.

My heart may have been shattered but how? How was I suppose to make this work being a single mom in a state with no family but my in laws. A place where I'd have to face him. At this point he had suicidal thoughts. If I left I felt it would be my fault if he harmed himself. How could I do that to my babies? My heart. My heart was the deciding factor. Truth is I knew it would shatter the last remaining pieces if I left. I would never feel whole again without him. My decision was to stay. To make this work. For me. For the kids.

The next couple of days were full of mending, movies, cuddling, and passionate love making. There was some more truths come to light that broke a few more pieces off of my heart. I was told I was strong. I heard "You're a better woman than me," "You are stronger than I could ever be," "I would have left his ass the moment I found out."

All these things, yes, I took to heart but truth is he is what my heart needs. A family is what my heart needs. I love coming home and seeing him playing in the playroom with the kids, hearing him read them a bed time story over the monitor, laying with Mason because the monster is going to get him, or chasing Zo while she runs away giggling. It absolutely warms my heart and I knew if I just let this thing go... I would miss all that.

I am choosing to mend this. I am choosing to repair my heart differently in this situation than most. No, I am not by no means downing anyone who didn't stay. Honestly, you are the stronger one. I was too scared to leave. You are a warrior to choose to do things on your own and after being raised by a pretty much single mom I applaud and send my love and hugs. For my situation though, I needed to stay.

Since I have made the decision to stay, I have become somewhat of a new woman. I have taken over all finances and set a goal for our future. So that we may have something to look forward to. I have set every Saturday as family day and we have started going on Adventures together. If you have a place to suggest (within a days drive of Arizona) send it to me! I have also started taking care of my self. I am no longer afraid to ask for a moment to my self, for a moment to bathe without interruption, to write in my blog or to just breathe. I am washing my face daily, went to the salon for the first time in a year, and I have organized and started dabbing in my make up again. I am taking care of ME and it feels so good. My husband always told me you can't love other people if you don't love yourself. Well, that is not near true but he is right about the loving your self. You are a STRONG woman. You've Got This!!!

If you are going through this I hope you read this and see if you choose to stay there is hope that you can do it. There will be lots of therapy, mending, trust tests, and the biggest of all COMMUNICATION but you will make it sweetie. As I say in all of my posts. My inbox is always open. I am here if you need to talk.