Grieving the experiences we missed

I’ve spent months debating whether this is something I should write or something better left in my head. But I am a stronger believer that words are more dangerous when they’re trapped in our minds, and by putting it on paper (or digital blogs) it is a safe place to store these thoughts.

When I was younger, I was always excited to be a mother. We would play pretend with our dolls and have fake weddings. I studied Early Childhood in high school and in University and always loved the idea of getting married abs starting a family.

Unfortunately it never happened like that. I got pregnant accidentally at 18 and had my son on my own with my parents and sisters support. I was still with my boyfriend at the time but he lived in another state while he worked with the army. When our son was a few months old, we got married at the registry office with just our immediate family present in the hopes we could move down to be with him.

Our wedding night was not great (think him off boozing it up with his mates) and after a couple of more years of being together we broke up spectacularly. I lived with my parents again for a while before moving out on my own.

It’s not all bad though. I have since met an amazing man and we’ve been together for 3 years. He’s caring, loving, funny and challenges me in all the best way. He has stepped up and become a loving and supportive father to our boy who is now 6.

Here’s what I’m struggling with. My partner doesn’t want any more kids, he is content with just our 6 year old. Now I’ve been on a roller coaster of emotions, from always wanting to be a mother - to realising I am terrible as a mother (I didn’t cope with the newborn stage well) to wanting more kids to realising that realistically I won’t have more kids.

I know I should be grateful and god yes I am so grateful for what I have. A loving son and partner and no serious medical issues. If it meant that much to me, I could have another baby (physically speaking). But I’ve accepted my partner doesnt and I’ve come to terms with that.

Where I’m struggling is with what I’ve feel like I’ve lost: the moments.

When you get pregnant unexpectedly at 18 with a dubious boyfriend - this is not something I got to proudly announce with lots of excitement and love. It was met with questions and judgement and quiet looks and awkward silence as people weren’t sure how to react.

When we got married, once again it was a hushed affair. No exciting proposal story, no long engagement or wedding planning and no reception with beautiful photographs and loving moments between my then husband and I.

These are things I’ll never experience. Maybe with marriage I will, who knows? But never will I get the excitement of announcing to my partner that were pregnant. To have him excited and happy and eagerly planning names and a nursery with me.

These were all consequences of my own actions and I accept that. And I am so proud of how far both my son and I have come. I’ve raised an amazing boy, and we have a wonderful man part of our family.

But there will always be that small part of me that wishes I had gotten to do things traditionally. To have someone look forward to the birth of our child as much as I did.

So let this be my final say on the matter and from here I’ll bury these thoughts with the less pleasant parts of my memory.

I grieve for that which I didn’t get to experience - but I am joyful for the beauty of what I have now.

I would not trade it for all the world.