Grieve your own way: It's your loss so cry if you want to

Leslie Gore had a hit song in 1963 titled "It's my party." She sings in the chorus:

It's my party and I'll cry if I want to

cry if I want to, cry if I want to

You would cry too if it happened to you

In today's society, outward expressions of grief are frowned upon, but they happen. When my sister-in-law called at 5:00 AM on June 20th 1993 to tell me my brother had drowned, I dropped the phone and screamed. The next day after getting out of the car and heading towards my house, I again screamed and 2 neighbors came to help my husband get me in the house. The shock of the sudden death overwhelmed me, and it was the first time anyone in my family had died that young.

Prior to my brother's funeral, my mother instructed the family that she did not want any crying and wailing as had been done in other services. We had all attended services where some family members became distraught with grief and screamed and shouted as they cried. This is understandable considering you first find out someone died, then must make arrangements, view the body and attend a wake, and then the actual service where they are eulogized.

In the old days, the casket was usually open during the service and only closed when it was time to go to the cemetery. Today some families have funerals where the coffin is closed prior to the service beginning or remains closed the entire time. Either way, grieving families may be traumatized. I have seen loved ones of the deceased cry out as the casket is being closed or if it is already shut they become outwardly emotional as it is being wheeled out of the church or funeral home. Others become distraught as the casket is being lowered into the ground at the cemetery because this makes things pretty final.

Each step of the way can seem as if the person is dying all over again for some. If you do not feel the urge to cry when someone dies and you don't react during these junctures during a funeral that is quite natural. Whether you do or do not express your emotions, please don't ever think something is wrong with you. We are all different but if you do have a moment where you desire to let it all out just remember Leslie Gore's song and cry if you want to.

Over the years I have heard many people say that those crying the loudest are the ones who were the meanest to the person while they were living but that is not necessarily true. Later I heard a pastor say that when you know a loved one is in heaven they are not lost so we should stop staying that we "lost" someone when they die. The next change I noticed was that services to eulogize the dead were being called celebrations of life rather than a funeral. Many families now prefer to wear lighter colors instead of black which is the traditional mourning color.

These changes do help some to deal with the period between the death announcement until the body is placed in the ground and assists in lightening the mood but there is a downside. If you loved the person who died, you probably celebrated their life with them while they were living. When they die, you have a right to mourn because there is a season for everything.

Programming grieving individuals to not express that grief can be damaging depending on how they felt about the deceased. Again I reference Leslie Gore and I say to those who are grieving, It's your loss so you cry if you want to.

If you are sitting in a funeral with your heart breaking, you might be offended if the person who is speaking is overemphasizing that this is a time of celebration and or says you must submit to the will of the Almighty. You can desire to celebrate the life and accept that the individual died but still feel as if you are overwhelmed with grief. No matter what anyone else says, this is your grief, so don't stifle your feelings to come across as spiritual and mature and impress others. Please, cry if you want to.

I understand what my former pastor was saying regarding not referring to death as a loss, but it actually is. Once your loved one's breath leaves his or her body, the relationship you had with them is over and you will miss what is gone. If you are having trouble dealing with death and trying to look at it in ways that will minimize your suffering please note: The United States Government will make sure you know that the person is dead and gone never to return to this life.

In addition to making arrangements for their personal belongings, you will be bombarded by outside forces who will make the grief fresh over and over so again I say: It's your loss, cry if you want to. Credit and debit cards must be canceled or may be canceled for you as soon as the Social Security department notifies the financial institution of the deceased. The name of the recently departed must be removed from any joint bank accounts and any accounts in that person's name alone must be closed. You will need to provide a death certificate or obituary which may cause some tears, but it is your loss so cry if you want to.

You will receive a notice from your state election board that indicates the dearly departed can no longer vote and their Social Security number is now null and void and cannot be used. If you were a married woman and went by Mrs. John Doe, you can no longer sign your name this way on legal documents, which can be a shock and really hit home the fact that your loved one has died.

The bottom line is that it really does not matter what others deem as appropriate behavior in regard to the death of someone you loved, keep in mind this is your season of grief and mourning. You do have the right to allow yourself to feel whatever you are experiencing. so cry if you want to.

Disclaimer

If, however, you feel yourself overwhelmed by grief and you do not have any moments where you are not sad, then please seek appropriate medical assistance and or counseling.