Grief 101: Resentment

My husband's death is the first time that I have dealt with resentment as I am grieving. I am not talking about resenting the fact that other couples are still celebrating anniversaries and milestones. I am addressing something that I was unaware of and I desire others to be aware of this emotion and not to be too hard on themselves. After my great grandmother died in 1975 we were given a Golde Retriever puppy and I grew to love him and see him as part of the family. After my husband died I purchased a cat from a local shelter and everything was different.

This gray tabby is named Boots and he is gentle and loving. He sleeps with me or on me every night. he sits by my side if I am sitting on the couch while typing on the computer. He follows me around everywhere but a part of me is resenting that it is not my spouse sitting beside me and allowing me to caress him. I miss our close moments and I keep telling myself that rubbing a cat and having him purr is not the same as being intimate with my husband and it is not.

When I take my grandchildren to the local park or we go on a walking trail I no longer enjoy it as I used to. I answer when they talk to me but my mind is a thousand thoughts away. I recall that their Grampy used to walk with us and that he never will again and I find that I no longer enjoy this time with the grandkids as I used to. When we go to the store and purchase their favorite snacks I remember that I used to also buy snacks for my husband.

Some will say give it time and all of this will pass but it needs to be dealt with in the hear and now. I have tried counseling in the past and it did not work for me. Since my spouse has passed away I have talked to a grief councelor once who is with Hospice. He meant well but telling me to simply focus on the good times did not help. It is the memory of the good times that make me sad. Telling me that other wives may not have had their husbands for 40 years does nothing to change my pain. To me, this is like telling someone who lost a limb to be grateful because another person lost two limbs.

I also found myself being resentful of stroke survivors. A good friend is recovering from a stroke more slowly than she would like. One day when I was talking to her before my husband passed she told me she had been crying about her situation. I told her to be thankful that she was able to walk on a cane and talk on the phone because my husband could not. I realize she did not mean to be insensitive after he died I could not deal with hearing about her recovery because he had not recovered.

I became resentful of my husband's family members who turned out for other funerals during COVID but did not so much as pick up the phone and call me or acknowledge their cousin's death on my Facebook posts. I have a friend who is a therapist and he checks on me and lets me vent with no charge. He reiterated what I already know which is that grief is personal and I am allowed to feel how I feel.

Writing about my journey is helping tremendously and I have lived long enough to learn an important fact. We all have a right to feel the way we feel but we do not have the right to inflict our pain on others. I am thankful that I only spoke out to that one friend and today I will apologize to her. I have not let anyone else feel my wrath so to speak and I will not. That only causes more problems. For this reason, I will continue to spend time with my grandchildren and not take my grief out on them or anyone else.

I will smile, self reflect, meditate and pray and keep moving. I will not scream at those who are inviting me to their church services or Zoom self help meetings and telling me that I need them. I need my husband but he is gone and I must adjust to that. There is someone else out there grieving a spouse, parent, or child and knows exactly what I am going through. I will not cringe when widows tell me that God has picked out another husband for them and they are waiting to find him. I will resist the urge to ask whatever happened to simply meeting someone and falling in love?

I will not scream or curse when I am asked many times a day "What's wrong." I want to say:"Hello, my partner of 45 years recently died and my heart is in pieces but you already know that moron". I will not remind those who have known me all of my life that I have a resting bitch face and often look like something is wrong when it is not. I am going to forego the sarcasm because just as I have the right to grieve my own way, others have the right to reach out to me in the manner they believe helping, even if it is not.

I am deep breathing throughout the day which is reducing stress and along with petting the cat, my blood pressure has dropped significantly. I have made blunders when talking to people all of my life so I am not judging anyone and how they approach a grieving person. I'm just sharing so that the bereaved and also those who desire to reach out to them will think carefully about their actions and reactions. The one thing I do wish people would do is not tell a widow what to do regarding her future.

It is not your job to recommend dating or tell her that she should not. I know a man whose pastor told him he was wrong to marry again 5 months after his wife died but that is nobody's business but own. I have wanted to scream bloody murder when people voluntarily advise me on my future. If you are not asked, please keep it to yourself.

I am learning great restraint and forgiveness through this process and to help myself I will also continue walking the trail at least 30 minutes every day that I can. I have found this helps to reduce stress tremendously. As a side note, it is more beneficial to walk in a county area away from the sights and sounds of the city. I cannot put an expiration date on feelings of resentment but I have acknowledged I have a problem with it. That's the first step in dealing with any issue to recognize that you have it and then work on a plan to deal with it until you can overcome it.