Grief

"It's okay to have your sad days, just don't live in them."

-Auntie Jo

I had an Auntie Jo memory pop up today. The timing of this memory was too fitting and perfect. I wanted to share it.

After I had my daughter, she gave me some life advice.

She told me, "It's okay to have your sad days, just don't live in them."

I took everything she said to me that day like a sponge. I immediately taped that sentence to my coffee pot and stared at it every morning.

But to be honest? I don't think the weight of those words fully had hit me back at the time. I was 23 years old back then. Sure I was sad, It was the middle of COVID, I was on my own raising two young kids. Sure I knew what being sad was like. I knew what struggling felt like. I hadn't yet learned that some chapters can end even when you're ready for them, and they'll still leave you mourning what could have been. But in all honesty, I didn't know the full weight that those words would have on me even years later.

I think life has a weird way of coming back around and teaching you what some advice really means. I think this memory popped up exactly when I needed it to show up. I'm currently grieving a chapter in my life that I'm okay with closing.

Yesterday, I had my tubes tied.

I closed the door on having more children, and I am okay with that. I made that choice with confidence that it was the right decision for my family. I have three wonderful human beings that it is a privilege to be raising. But I am still sad, part of me will always wonder, "What if?"

I closed a chapter, and I am okay with that but part of me is still a little sad. The next time I'll be in labour and delivery is when my children have kids. There are no more first kicks and no more newborn snuggles.

Over the years, I have learned that grief doesn't only come with death. Sometimes we grieve the lives we didn't live, the chapters that we have finished writing, or the versions of ourselves we have had to leave behind. Grief simply reminds us that something mattered.

That is precisely what Auntie Jo was trying to teach me all those years ago.

Grief and sadness is a part of being human, but we don't have to make it our home. Don't unpack the bags and live there. Be sad. Cry when you need to. Honor what you have lost, whether it be a person, a chapter in your life, or simply a version of yourself that you can't get back.

I just miss both of them dearly- especially lately.

I miss the Jurassic Park movie marathons, the laughter, the life advice, the camping trips. I miss being called Bug and Fragel.

I bet they are sipping coffee up in Heaven right now, in two camping chairs.

Grief isn't the absence of love. If anything it reveals how deeply you can love. I will forever cherish the memories and life lessons that these two have shared with me.

So take it from me, death is so real and random. Hug people a little longer, cherish the memories you have, and take the time to create more of them too. Take your time to be sad, but don't live in your sadness as there is so much life to be lived.

Thank you for reading. I hope you enjoyed my mini life lecture for today.

Chloe Unfiltered