Gone

Today I sat down to work like I do every morning, but today I did it a little different. I turned music on and worked.

I let the songs carry me through one template at a time. I let it carry me through one party at a time.

While listening to the music songs started playing that reminded me of you. I wanted to cry but then I remembered you would want me to be happy I know you wouldn’t want me to cry.

I know I can miss you and think about you without crying but I don’t want to. I want to cry when I hear your name or think about you (which is all the time) my heart aches for you, to hear your voice see your smile and feel your hugs again. I long for you when I’m having a hard day. I want to pick up the phone and call you just to hear you tell me it’s all gonna be okay. I want to pick up the phone and call you to ask you for some advice. I often want to call out your name to come make me your enchiladas or ask you to make some bomb peanut butter cookies because no one can make them like you could.

There are so many people in my life that you would adore and love like your own. All of my friends were you kids, you treated them as if they were yours and you loved them like yours too. You had a heart of gold. You tried your best and I know you fought hard. I know you didn’t want to leave us here to get through this life all on our own. I know you would love your grandson and spoil him rotten and make sure knows he can always go to you for anything.

I know you picked him just for me. He’s your boy that you never got to have so you sent him to me and you picked a perfect little boy that has a heart of gold he’s so sweet and he’s the smartest and strongest boy around.

I was lucky to have you around for 11 years I would have loved and cherished more days with you but it was your time, and nothing anyone did could have kept you here and I know that if you were here I would have the people i have in my life right now. If I could have you and all these people still I would choose it but I wouldn’t have life any other way than it is right now.

My world was turned upside down when you died but I flipped everything right side up and got this far just to make you proud and I’m gonna make it so much further in life just to keep making you proud.

You may not be here in person but you will always be in my heart and memories. I will forever cherish all the good times we had together. I may not see you in person, but I still look at your pictures, and whisper your name, I still long to hear your voice, or hear you yell at me one last time. I still long for your hugs, and the kiss on the cheek. I still wish I could just call you and talk to you, ask you for advice, truly anything would be better than what I deal with now. I feel like I have lost dad, and he isn’t even dead, I lost you and Katie, and I don’t know when I will get to see you again or hug you and it hurts, it truly does, more than anyone will ever think. From now until forever I will love you all fly high, and watch over my friends, family, especially the one I have created. Until we meet again.