Get it out (continued)

Maybe “he” needs me or something. I don't want to be at a shelter. If he needs me I don't want to go through another night of hell in the truck with him. When he is "okay" a night of talking and snuggling in the truck is the best thing ever. When he's not "okay" it is hell. I should just ask his friend what’s up.

I tapped the message: “You still in town”

“Yep”

I got a shower, change of clothes, and went to Walmart. I got a big tub for my blankets but not one for my clothes. I should have bought 2 but I had such high anxiety that I just had to get out of there. I was worried whether 2 would fit in the back of my truck or take up all the space so I can't sleep back there if I need to....grrr....this is so complicated and frustrating!

I’m back at my daughters now and I’m nervous about asking her if I can park my truck here tonight to sleep in it because I know it’s pretty safe. I won't ask her if I can spend the night inside because she is just so over me right now. Her husband is over me. Everyone in my family is over me.

It's uncomfortable to ask for help and receive it, but it hurts to ask for help and be turned down. And I have asked for a lot of help from my family over the past few months since I lost the apartment.

I'm going to get to see my dad in a little while and I'm nervous about having to explain to him that I am living in my truck.

I think he is going to be upset with me because I’m not working. He thinks I can work. I know I can't. Just to start the process of getting a job is so overwhelming that I panic. I wish he understood. I wish everybody or anybody understood.

I'm lucky to just be able to organize my thoughts to take care of myself in the most basic of ways right now. I don't know how to describe it. My thoughts and emotions feel like they are disconnected from me somehow or something. Things are kind of blurry.

Maybe I will feel better after talking to my dad but I'm so ashamed and I know he is going to be ashamed too. ...

Thankfully, he didn’t ask where I was staying. He asked what happened where we were staying and I told him it was just too much stress. He asked about “J” (aka “him”) working and I explained the break downs that occurred when he tried. He asked where J was, I told him where I dropped him off.

His response: “You can only live one day at a time. God is gonna put you where you need to be, and then He’s gonna start working on you. I had to be at my lowest point for Him to lift me up. Both of your brothers are gone now, but I know that they both served the purpose they were meant for while they were here. I love you. Give me a hug.”

My dad is one of my biggest supporters and also one of my toughest critics. We can usually talk about anything, but not necessarily agree. He gets frustrated when he sees me struggling. He was proud when he saw me on top. Still, the love shared between my dad and me is never diminished.

I really needed that.

Thanks, dad. I love you too.

And yes, baby girl, I would love to spend the night with you. Thanks for the offer.