Get it out

I'm sitting on my daughter's porch steps...again. But now it’s cold and dark. I miss J. I hate that I couldn't hold my own shit together enough to help him with his shit. He always had arms around me telling me it was gonna be okay. But I see how I have put others’ needs before his, just to secure a place to live. My anxiety and distractedness growing harder and harder to deal with. His attempts at employment triggering paranoid episodes more and more intense. And when he reached his limit and I was already shutting down, we broke. We hurt each other. Badly. We said things that never should have been said.

I should have talked to my psychiatrist a month ago when I started disconnecting. I should have tried harder to get him help. The thing is, there is never any time to be still. When you don’t have a “home” you are constantly moving. Even when staying with someone, I always feel the need to try to “carry my weight” by doing the things they need to be done. So there is never time to just relax and deal with anything.

By the time we packed and left my sister’s house, it was too late to stop the intense waves of emotion that were beating us against the shore and against each other. Have you ever gotten caught in the surf of the ocean? It’s that spot near the shoreline where waves break and roll you over; beating you into the sand and water until you don’t even know which way is up, filling your mouth and eyes with a salty, sandy vengeance. It was like that.

I hope that he is doing better. I want to see him so badly, I think about going to see him, but I think he needs to take care of himself. Because I can't take care of myself right now and I'm a pretty heavy burden. I don't want to drag him down.

I am thankful that my daughter and her husband have let me spend the last couple of nights here. It's really cold. I break down all day and night, crying, panicking. It's the weirdest feeling going from numb to hurt, from hurt to scared, back and forth.

Last night, trying to get set up to write took about 5 hours. This really scared me: I opened my laptop and turned it on for the first time in about 5 or 6 months. I couldn't remember how to use it. I had to spend hours going through the computer relearning the functions that have been automatic for years. Setting up the screen to write, what icon to tap. It was just crazy. I am losing my memory. I have noticed this mildly in the last couple of years, but this was different. It really scared me. And it made me feel so weak and vulnerable and I just hate myself.

Today has been a roller coaster of emotions. J’s friend told me that J is just trying to better himself. I understand that and I am trying to respect that and not contact him.

But it's so hard. I look through our pictures (I know, bad idea) and I remember the moments. We make a really good team. I just fell short in putting him first. So he deserves to be first with himself or with someone else if that's how it goes.

I know that I'm still not able to put him first.

I have to put me first until I get a grip and am able to at least handle my emotions and hopefully find a place to live and a way to support myself. If we ever have the opportunity to share something again I would be so thankful.

But it won't be today. So I will deal with the battle in my own head and try to make it through the night. I will sleep alone and hear his broken voice and see the hurt in his beautiful eyes in my head and cry and pray through it.

I texted his Mom to ask her to tell J the things I have realized about how our last night together went. That we had pushed too hard. I wasn’t able to help him in the grips of his delusions. I couldn’t give him what he needed. She responded with a message that said, among other things: “Unfortunately you are still alive. Go kill yourself but first ask God to forgive you for what you have done to my son. I pray God has no mercy on your fallen dark soul.”

Get to sleep on that one.

My response: “I’m sorry you feel that way about me. God does offer forgiveness for every one of us. Halleluyah.”

Make it through the night...