Forever Free

This is really happening. Standing at the waters edge, the wind drying my tears as each silently fell. I still don’t want to accept it. I was there. Holding you in my arms. I still remember the soft caress of your final breath as it stole across my cheek. I still hear the silence of the monitors as your heart beat its last beat. And the absolute empty stillness of the room after your soul left this world and crossed over into the next. I was there dammit. But I still don’t want to believe it.

For 15yrs I sat and helplessly watched you slowly die. I held you in my arms every time you cried in pain. I layed by your side as you fought off every fever and illness. I watched your body twist into disfigurements. I marveled at your strength and fighting spirit yet wished you would find peace. I never got to hear you call me Mommy. I never got to watch you experience any milestones. You were forever a baby in a growing boys crippled body. There were no first words or first steps. There were no first days of school or graduations. There will never be first jobs or first cars. There would never be first loves or finding the one. There will never be an engagement or watching you marry. There will never be watching with love and happiness as you had your first child. All of that was taken from both of us the day you were ripped unbresthing from my body.

Instead we had first assisted breaths. First MRIs, First CT Scans, First XRays and First of several resuscitations. We had First IVs and Intubations. First feeding tubes and surgeries. First Diagnosis’s and First of many seizures and illnesses. And then we had every final.

Now as I stand here, cradling your ashes in my arms, Seagulls flying over head; I look out on the horizon and watch the sun as it begins its decent. A sailboat off in the distance now glowing a beautiful orange as the suns rays bounce off its hull. I stood in this spot 10 yrs ago as we said goodbye to my father. Your grandpa. The water warm and wild against our legs. And today I find myself once again wading into those waters.

I prayed for peace for you for so long. I knew the day would come when your body would finally wear out. And yet... I’m still not ready to let you go. More tears fall as I take the first steps into the water. Together with your siblings and grandma we sing the song that always calmed you on your hardest days.

“Amazing Grace how sweet the sound. That saved a wretch like me. I once was lost but now I am found. Was blind but now I see...”

Together we toss carnations into the ocean. The waves rolling them about. Your sister hands me the shell we’d collected earlier and I wade further into the water. With shaking hands and tears falling fast, I scoop out the first ashes and scatter them into the winds and water. Your siblings follow suit along with your grandma. Sending you home to be with your grandpa. The ship on the horizon getting smaller and smaller as the sun sets further into the seas. And just as I scatter the last of you, the waters further ahead are suddenly broken by the leaping of a family of dolphins. One by one they break the surface, flying through the air before diving beneath the waters again. A smile touches my face. You’re free now baby.

Once back on the shore we hug and smile as the ship disappears into the faded sun and the dolphins swim back out to sea. Taking you with them. When out of the corner of my eye I see a couple with a young baby. She’s sitting in the sand smiling up at her father and mother, laughing as they take her photo. Her bright red dress blowing about her.instictly I moved closer. Marveling at the beautiful new innocent life before me as you my son have now left. And as I got closer it was then that I saw what she was holding in her hands. A wet and wilted white carnation. It must have washed back ashore. I approached the couple and their little angel and hesitantly introduced myself. I learned her name was Mary and like you, she was special. She had been born with downs. But was slowly experiencing all of her firsts. I explained the carnation and told her parents that it appears that Mary now has her own guardian angel. Smiling and kissing little Mary’s cheek I wished them a lifetime of blessings and firsts.

Turning once more to the horizon, now just a sliver of the sums golden glow left, I smiled and blew one final kiss to you. Knowing that you would forever live on in the waters of the sea with the dolphins. In the feathers of the wings of the seagulls above. In the warming sun upon my face and the wild winds that blow through my hair. Forever free and Watching over me, your siblings and family. And now of little Mary too.