Food control and parenting

“We’re gonna sit here until you try a bite of this.”

That’s how my first and last foray into food control began. It ended in my child not eating a bite of the food. I can’t recall how long we sat there, at least 30 minutes. Everyone told me I needed to just stay firm, and they’d eventually be hungry enough to try.

Power struggles like this are not worth it. I feel like crying that I did that once to my kid, even now.

I notice that often when food comes up as a question in my parenting groups; the responses are control based. And even the experts advocate for control.

“Parents control what and when food is offered. Kids get to decide how much they eat of the offered food.”

Okay, so kids get a tiny sliver of say what goes into their bodies.

I noticed that people have a lot of good explanations for why they need to control certain situations. It’s rare that we examine our beliefs and our history to see why we react the way we do, and if we truly are making a choice that aligns with our core beliefs. Not just with food, but since that’s the topic, let’s look at some common reasons we control.

If you let them graze they never get hungry and eat a full meal.

For one of my kids, if they got hungry, there was an epic meltdown. Grazing was a strategy to avoid super upset. What’s so great about being hungry? What’s so great about full meals?

They’re wasting food.

Yeah, we all waste food. If you want to combat waste, push for legislation on this at the producer and grocery store levels.

What about the cost of food?

Yep, it sucks. It’s kind of the cost of having kids. I know it’s painful, if money is tight. I’ve been where there is no extra money for food, and my kid wasted the last of the strawberries by taking one bite out of six of them. Thanks kid, I didn’t want any. Though, I’d rinse them off and eat them, anyway.

I get it, but explaining to a child that food is expensive and we can’t afford it will not make them eat. It’s going to make them feel shame and like a burden. Even if you don’t explain, strict control will not solve the money issue and won’t create a long term healthy relationship with food.

Nutrition and health

If I don’t enforce vegetables, they’ll eat nothing but junk and snacks.

This one is a double whammy. Just the label junk food creates shame. We all want the sugary food, because you know what? Sugar is an easy energy source for our bodies. Kids especially need a lot of energy. Food is complex, our feelings around food are complicated. I can talk more, but this post by Zest healthy eating is very good when you want to label something “Junk food.”

Some foods are more nutritionally dense than others. And I’d love it if my kids wanted to eat nothing but veggies and protein without curling up their nose at my various attempts to make them more palatable to everyone. (Though lesson learned, slightly burnt carrots are the most amazing way to eat a carrot. I think it’s called caramelized, but I’ve never done it on purpose).

So how do we get them to eat?

Here’s my lesson: No one ever created a healthy relationship from force or control or shame. Not with food, not with a caregiver, not with a partner.

Our response to food struggles is more than the food, it’s about the relationship with your kids.

If you still feel you need to control around food, here are some questions I came up with:

Why is it important that your child eat what you've decided is offered? Why is it important that your child only eat when you've decided that it's okay to eat? Does it fit into gentle parenting and long-term goals for a healthy relationship with food?

Get my gentle parent's guide.