Finding Me

There was always an aching emptiness in my heart as a child, a constant draining feeling that I was missing something. Maybe it was the relationship with a father that every child yearns for. My dad was always there until he wasn’t, until his priorities were not his own child, but his own selfish acts. It wasn’t my fault, it never was, it wasn’t my mother’s either it was nothing but his own. My mother who raised me alone with 3 other kids, would often reach out in search of financial support, I remember hearing his spiel of excuses and always justifying them. So, it left my mother to raise me alone. (as a child) I started to think I was unimportant and was of no value in my father’s life. My mother would often reassure me that he didn’t think of me as a burden and he did truly care for me and loved me, and that he was trying, but was he? It pained me to see her lie so I didn’t grow to resent him, I always saw right through the pain in her eyes, and I heard what she refused to say. Whenever he did provide support, it was very little. It was even more difficult for my mother to get by due to her depression, so I watched her suffer even more because of this. Nine years after he went back to his native country, I had finally managed to afford a trip to see him. I thought that maybe this trip would rekindle the bond that we once had when I was a child and maybe I wouldn’t have to constantly feel bad about him never being around. This trip was what I needed. I needed a father. At least that’s what I told myself.

Upon arrival in the country, I was anxious to finally be face to face with the man I had longed to see since I was a child. What I expected as a very exciting and rekindling trip quickly became one of the longest emotional journeys I have ever embarked on. The sights I saw were beyond beautiful and I couldn’t help but get emotional and try to savour the time I had there and with him. One would also think that my father would also use this time to get to know the daughter he hasn’t seen in nine years, but all he did was make me feel insignificant and unexperienced. I also found out dreading news he had started another family in the time of his absence, and I was just supposed to accept it and keep my mouth shut. When that message was delivered to me, I felt sick, my heart dropped to my stomach and I had to pretend everything was alright with this. I saw and met everyone and couldn’t help but feel so replaced. He never tried to understand me and constantly left me not knowing how to respond, as well as berating my insecurities and making me feel like I was just not worthy of being his daughter. How could someone bring life into the world then treat their seed as if they are nothing? I questioned throughout the whole trip, was I good enough for him? For as long as I can remember my mother always spoke very highly of me to him and it left me feeling gratified. When I spent time with him there, I felt undervalued. Undoubtedly, he proved he was nothing but inconsiderate and unconcerned. It made me come the conclusion that I cannot sit and hope for a relationship with him like a child.

What I learned was that some bonds are not always unbreakable, and it sounds ridiculous because he is my father. I learned that a piece of me was never missing like I thought it was, that piece was actually always there, and it was never him that completed it. It also was not just the trip that made me realize and feel this way it took 17 years of questioning and I have finally concluded that not every daughter needs a strong father figure to navigate them through life and that you get nowhere trying to find excuses for his incompetence. Instead of feeling I need to prove myself to him or anyone for that matter, I have found my true worth. I have learned to be confident and follow my dreams, I recognized the beautiful and abundant person I am, and no one ever can say anything different, not even my father. I know to always prioritize the opinion of me from myself always as most important. At the end of the day, I always had what I needed, and I always will.