Finding Her (Pt. 2)

Here we go again with this process. Here we go again with the heartbreak you’re doing to me, mother. That I can’t be with her because it’s prohibited to see her. But it hurts me so much that’s your taking her away from me. What else are you gonna take? You have no idea how much I’m suffering. For once in my lifetime, I’m actually happy with someone I love; but clearly you don’t want that from me because she’s the same gender as me. I’m not going to say who. Look, she means so much to me. You just can’t do that to your daughter. You can’t just take her happiness like that. Why would you do that? I’m not allowed to text her. I’m not allowed to see her; therefore, to make that even simpler and easier, you took her out of my 15. How am I supposed to feel about that? I feel sad, and disappointed in you, mother. I mean, sure, I can still see her. Hug her. Tell her much she means to me, but of course you took away that from me, too. You say you want me to change, so that’s why you’re taking me to a psychologist. But, if that doesn’t work, you’re taking me to a church retreat so I can change my mind. No, mother! I don’t want to change an any way. I like being who I am. I like that I get to be with a guy, but if that doesn’t work, I get to be with a girl. You’ll never understand, so that’s why you’re taking me to those places I don’t even want to go? Like you say, I need help. Not necessarily, because this is who I am. I’m not crazy at all. You think that girl is making me change. That she’s putting thoughts in your mind. No, mom, this is who I want to be, but I can see you’re doing things to make me stop loving her.

One thing you should know is that I won’t stop loving her at all. I know deep inside my heart I love very much. I made a promise to her. To always love her. You guys think it's not possible. Yes it is. I know a couple that have been together over 65 years together. I want that. I want to grow old with her. But mom, I let her go one time because of your fault. I listened to you, but not this time. I’m not going to leave her, not at all. I’m not going to leave her again. I’m not letting her go. I know that I want to be with her and if you don’t accept it, it’s okay for me because I don’t mind. Yes, I'm only 15 years old; therefore, doesn’t mean it's a phase. No, I have been thinking about it for several years. Even when I was six or seven years old. I know that some part of me wanted to be with a girl. I wanted to love a girl to see if she fits in my life. And clearly, she fits perfectly into my life. Therefore, if I told you at such a young age, you'd be telling me so many things like you’re telling me right now. It hurts to see that your own mother, the one who gave birth to you, doesn’t accept what you are. You don’t have to accept or anything. You know why? Because at least I accept myself for who I am. I accept that I’ve committed a big sin. I’m accepting that I’m going to hell. If I’m going to hell after life, at least I made myself happy in those days, years with a girl. You told me, mother, to wait until I was 22 years old. Yes, I’ll wait. I know I’ll still be bisexual because once I know I’m right, I can feel it. This is who I am. I love being me. People will judge. Well, in this case, my mother. My papa bear won’t accept either. He doesn’t even want to look at me. We were supposed to have dinner at my sister’s house and he left. He left not saying a word. We tried to calling him, but no answer. Then, 12 minutes later, papa bear texted me, saying, “It breaks my heart to see you suffer like this. I’m so sorry for not making you normal. You are my little girl who I love very much”

I love you too, papa bear, but you need to understand that it’s my decision who I want to be. It’s like saying I want to be a police officer. Then, you guys are saying no because it’s too risky. What if you get shot? Yes, many things are risky. But I’m not going to listen to you and tell me not to be a police officer. If I love that job, I’m going to put everything I got into it, all my effort, and make myself the greatest officer out there. Basically, that’s the point. Just like being with a girl. I want to be with a girl, so I’m going to put my heart and soul to make us happy. I won’t give up on her. Various people are going to judge and I get that. But I’m not going to listen who I should and shouldn’t be. They’ll discriminate against you all the time. All these years, the LGBTQ community has suffered very much because society didn’t accept them. But now, it’s totally different. They are accepting them, so mother, why can’t you support me even a little bit? Or why can’t you accept me for who I actually am?