Father's Day

Four years you’ve both been gone. Four heart breaking years. Even though I promised to be strong for mom and grandma, I still to this day, break down. I can’t listen to certain songs because they remind me of you, and I break all over again. You left the biggest hole in my heart behind when you left this world, and nothing can fix that. My children don’t have a real grandfather or great grandfather because you’re gone. Only my first and second child got know you before you left.

Dad I’m sorry I try so hard to be positive and outgoing and good like you, but I can’t hold a candle to you. I remember the night you actually praised me for being a better singer than you, but I can’t sing Elvis” Tribute like you do. That was the one main form of praise you gave me. I can’t find it in me to even attempt to listen to the song now without breaking down. You could have been an amazing singer, Dad. You chose not to take that path and just use it for fun and your love of music.

I remember the last hunting trip we went on together down in the back. That buck walked up you told me to shoot it, but I insisted you do it. I’m glad I did because it was the last buck you got to shoot. I remember the going fishing in the boat with you and grandpa. Those big sixty-pound catfish that we caught out of the lake. You were always happy and friendly to everyone.

Then you had your stroke and it was a bad one. So bad, that they had to take half of your skull out. So bad, it took you days just to wake up and months before they let you at least be moved to a nursing home in our hometown. You weren’t yourself but you were still in there. I could see it. You couldn’t speak all that well because of the trank, but you still tried. You couldn’t sing anymore and that was heart breaking for me.

You couldn’t get out of bed, they had to move you. I felt so horrible that my youngest at the time was scared of you, but what hurt the most in that was the hurt in your eyes. My eldest wanted to sit on the bed with you and would talk to you. She knew something was very wrong, but she didn’t fully understand why you were sick. It killed me inside to see that hurt of your face.

I came and visited when I could. I even sang a song I wrote as a lullaby to my girls to you to see if you thought it was good or not. I couldn’t bare seeing you slowly deteriorate the way you did, you were so small compared to your usual appearance. It took everything I had not to break down every time I walked into your room. The infections kept you from getting your skull put back on so you could come home. That’s one of the things I wanted most was for you to come home.

I went to see you a week before you were supposed to have that done, The last thing I told you was I love you dad. You answered with an ok because you still couldn’t talk. The day before they were supposed to take you mom got a call from the nursing home. They told her they had to send you to the hospital. A little while later I got the call no child ever wants to get.

It was mom in tears I could tell she was crying. She told me you had passed away. I literally hit the floor. I couldn’t breathe I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Grandma and my godmother heard me. I had to break the news to them. Grandma shout that her son was dead and was crying too. I was in shock that you had left me. Mom and grandma handled your funeral preparations. I couldn’t be there because I knew I couldn’t handle it.

I had to stay strong for mom and for grandma through the viewing and the funeral services, but after when I was alone, I mourned. I cried so much I couldn’t breathe. I had many nights like this and no one knew. To this day I mourned over you passing and leaving me behind. I know your still with me, but it still hurts that you’re not here anymore. I can’t talk to you. I can’t hear your voice. I can’t hug you. I can’t hear you sing. I can’t go hunting or fishing with you anymore. I lost two precious people when I lost you and grandpa two months apart. I still find myself looking for you to come home at any minute. Just wishing I could see you one last time and talk to you. I love you and miss you both so much dad, grandpa.

To everyone out there that reads this please call your parents and your grandparents as much as you can. You never know when your or their last day will be. Don’t forget them even if you are busy you never know what tomorrow might bring. Remember to tell your father and your grandfathers Happy Father’s Day. Don’t just rush through the conversation. Actually talk to them. They love hearing from you. I can’t do that anymore, so for all of you who still have them appreciate them.

It took everything I had to write this. I had to stop multiple times, so I could write it. Please read and enjoy your loved ones while they are still here. To all the fathers out there Happy Father’s Day.