Eight Questions About Relationships, Answered by Someone Who Is In One?

As more peoples realize that monogamy isn't the only acceptable relationship dynamic that can lead to a happy life full of loving relationships, they're interested in learning more about the non-monogamous possibilities accessible.But, with so many different types of non-monogamy to choose from, such as open relationships, polyamory, and ethical non-monogamy, taking that initial step into the unknown might be a little daunting. Especially given the lack of public representation of non-monogamous relationships.

More than a decade ago, I dipped my toe into the world beyond monogamy by opening my relationship with my husband. I've been asked a million and one questions since then about what it means to be in an open relationship.

Let's go into what it means to be in an open relationship if you're inquisitive (and let's be honest, you've landed on this article for a reason).

What is the definition of an open relationship?

Open partnerships resemble casual, short-term hookups that occur outside of a committed relationship.

According to Daniel Saynt, founder of The New Society for Wellness (NSFW), a sex and cannabis-friendly private members club in New York City, "it's one in which a single partner or both are able to explore sex and intimacy with other partners."

Polyamory, on the other hand, allows for numerous committed, romantic relationships to exist at the same time. A polyamorous relationship is not regarded to be within the open relationship umbrella since polyamorous people tend to emphasize deeper ties.

Meanwhile, some people would classify swinging as an open relationship, while others would not. Swinging is when couples swap sexual partners, generally at special gatherings. Individuals may subscribe to their own notions of non-monogamy as the vocabulary surrounding it evolves.

Essentially, it's critical to inquire about how people define an open relationship for themselves, particularly if they have children.

Is it possible for a single individual to be open?

Absolutely, if that's the label that speaks to you. "Ebony Hagans, the polyamory educator behind MarjaniLane, adds that a single or unpartnered individual might state they prefer open relationships." "However, if they are not dating at the time, the application can be perplexing."

"Saying you're open while dating is a terrific approach to meet someone who shares your feelings," Saynt explains. "Being clear about what freedoms you anticipate will save you a lot of time when seeking for someone with an open heart with whom to share your time."

In addition to claiming you're "open," Hagans recommends labeling yourself as a swinger, relationship anarchist, or monogamous to show non-monogamous sexual preferences.So, whichever phrase you choose, it's always a good idea to describe exactly what you mean and what you want, and identifying as open can be a terrific way to communicate that you desire a partnership that allows for adulterous steamy times. Just be aware that polyamorists hoping for a committed relationship should stay away.

Is it true that you despise monogamy because you're in an open relationship?

Regardless of how frequently I am asked this question, it always surprises me. In summary, being in an open relationship is not a statement on monogamy, any more than my preference for spaghetti bolognese is a statement on someone's chicken parm.

"It's just an orientation that works better for certain of us," Hagans explains. "Some of us who handle open relationships feel the same way some individuals feel monogamy is an identity."

People enter open relationships for a variety of reasons, and not always in ways that honor their genuine desires—for example, while attempting to placate a partner. Open relationships, on the other hand, allow many of us to express ourselves sexually honestly.

In an open relationship, what are the rules?

According to Hagans, "rules" are less important than "boundaries," "communicated expectations," and "transparency.

Boundaries can take the form of only having sex together, as in the case of severe swingers, or only allowing adulterous activities on one day a week. To make it work, some people need a don't ask/don't tell policy.

"At the end of the day," Saynt says, "it's up to you and your spouse to decide what works best for your relationship." And keep in mind that what you and your partner(s) require will very definitely change over time, which is why active communication is essential—this is true even for monogamy.

Do you ever feel envious of others? What is the procedure for dealing with it?

"Just because you're open or living the lifestyle doesn't mean you don't have jealousy," Claudia Aguirre, vice president of Luxury Lifestyle Vacations (LLV), a travel company that curates sophisticated sex-positive holiday experiences, explains.

When it comes to dealing with envy, there's only one thing to say: "I can't say this enough." Always, always, always, always, always, always, always, always, always, always, always A jealousy problem can be resolved by talking about it." Attending seminars like LLV's Newbie Seminars, which cover topics like how to talk about and deal with jealousy with a partner, is a fantastic way to learn about jealousy before you become caught up in the emotion.

Also keep in mind that jealousy isn't a simple beast. "Open relationships don't always induce jealousy, but they do allow insecurities to develop," Hagans says. She recommends communicating your feelings, working on your doubts yourself, giving and receiving feedback from your relationship, being patient, and setting boundaries to combat jealousy.

Compersion is the polar opposite of jealousy, a term that is not yet in the lexicon but is extensively used by non-monogamists. Compersion is the thrill of your partner's pleasure at the hands of someone else, the joy experienced by others' satisfaction.

Compersion can be developed in the same manner that jealousy can be overcome with time and practice. Finally, listen to your jealousy if it's trying to tell you that an open relationship isn't for you. Having an open relationship is not for everyone.

What happens when you catch feelings? How do you deal with unanticipated attachment?

As previously said, most couples create an open relationship by agreeing not to build new love ties. However, humans will always be human, and collecting feelings is unavoidable. "When it comes to sexual exploration, it's critical to understand your biology," Saynt explains. "A spark might happen when you meet someone new and create a connection. As your brain pushes serotonin and oxytocin into your body, generating a high we may not always feel with our core relationship, this 'new love energy' may feel like something more than intended."

It's also known as 'new relationship energy,' and it's both exhilarating and avoidable. "I usually avoid this by setting limits on how much time we spend together, what activities we do, and embracing the fact that I can like someone but not date them," Hagans suggests.

"However, if it's something you're having trouble with and you're in a monogamous relationship, you might want to talk to your partner about polyamory alternatives."

Whatever is going on, constant open and honest communication should be maintained throughout so that your partner isn't surprised to learn that you've acquired feelings for a lover—they should be informed as soon as the first inkling appears.

How do you confront the deeply engrained social assumption that we are only supposed to be with one person at a time?

It took years of internalized shame over not being "normal" for me to become as open as I am now. After discovering that acting monogamously wouldn't make me a monogamous person, I chose to accept who I am and recognize that there is nothing odd about me or anybody else having endless place for love in their hearts.

"I am always polyamorous and proud, whether I am seeing one person or four," Hagans says. To assist change society's perception, Hagans isn't afraid to talk about his past relationships with family and friends so that they are informed and aware.

"The more voices that share, the more popular these partnerships become," Saynt adds.

What are some of the ways that being in an open relationship brings you and your spouse closer together?

"An open relationship may turn a good marriage into a great marriage, and an unstable marriage into a disaster," Pepe Aguirre, Aguirre's love partner and LLV, explains. When a couple embarks on an adventure together in order to strengthen their relationship, open partnerships function well, but not so well when they are introduced to solve a problem. Opening a relationship is similar to starting a new pastime with your partner, except instead of knitting sweaters, you're having sex with strangers.

Couples become closer as a result of the increased amount of communication. "You communicate more, discuss more, and lay out more of your desires and fantasies," Saynt adds.

For some couples, having an open relationship helps them to concentrate on other parts of their spouse. "Sex is no longer only the responsibility of one individual, resulting in a more fulfilling relationship." Even taking the time to process jealousy is useful since it helps to eliminate fears and brings lovers closer together.

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