Don't Lose Hope

There was a loud creak against the uncommon silence of the day when Kierra slowly sank down into that old, sun-bleached, wooden rocking chair. As she did, memory after memory flooded her mind. Happy memories, memories of love and family, memories of worry-free times when she truly felt happiness. Goodness that seems like a lifetime ago. How could everything have changed so much?

The sun was bright on that clear and perfect summer morning. The sky was a vibrant blue with only a few soft, nearly see-through clouds floating around. It was warm and the gentle breeze was just enough to tame the heat of the sun. The grass in the field was transformed into gentle ocean waves and the giant weeping willow near the crest of the hill appeared to be dancing atop the water.

Everywhere Kierra looked was a reminder of what once was, but is no longer. The tears started as a quiet trickle that soon became a raging river. How can I continue? What am I supposed to do? In the last year, so much good has been removed from her life. Beginning with the tragic loss of her military husband, the love of her life and the most amazing father to her two children. Now, her mother and best friend.

To make matters even worse, upon arrival at her childhood home and while beginning to finalize everything for the memorial service, she discovered a loan had been taken out on this monumental part of her life. The family home was being foreclosed on. What would have normally been a beautiful day to the average person, was one of the coldest and darkest days Kierra has yet to experience.

The events of the last year have taken their toll on this medium-stature, attractive brunette with tan skin and piercing blue eyes. Where once sat a woman full in the cheeks with a rosy glow and a smile that would stop traffic, now sits a frail, broken lady who is quickly losing everything that she has ever held dear.

How could she stop the foreclosure? Until a year ago, her life was good. The struggle of military life was ever imminent, however, there was a sense of normalcy, security, and she could always look forward to the future and what life’s possibilities could be. Her darling would come home at every opportunity and show her in every action he took, the depths of heartfelt longing and love he had for her and their family. This love and everything it entailed and caused, gave hope for their next reunion. Until that day, the day she was told by the formally-dressed soldiers, he would not be coming home.

Life since then, has merely been a matter of picking up pieces and trying to get through each day, for the kids. Being alone, half way across the country was difficult, but Kierra did not want to be a burden on her mother by moving back home. She knew if she went home her mother would know in an instant how devastated and hurt she actually was. Where Kierra could put on a ‘fake it to make it’ façade in San Diego, she would not be able to hide anything from her mom, here in Kansas. Kierra kept telling herself, that she would come back for a visit, as soon as she could get her life back together. Now it’s too late. She’s home, but to bury her mother. Her mother had been struggling and didn’t want to bother her; so, now her childhood home, her family home, the only place she called home, was being foreclosed on.

The now frail Kierra just sat in that old rocking chair and cried, forgetting for a moment, she had to be mom. Few times has she allowed herself to just weep uncontrollably but the sights and smells and memories today were too much, she could not internalize anything else. Today was a day of release. Kierra cried and screamed until there were no more tears and her voice was harsh and raspy. Pull yourself together. You have too much to do. What can I do? I don’t have the money.

As if on que, Dawn came trotting out of the house, auburn curls bouncing in pigtails, totally obliviously to her mother’s anguish. Your babies need you! And before the thought was complete, Kierra was doing her best to quickly pull herself together, using the sleeve of her faded plaid shirt to dry her eyes and wipe her nose.

Kierra ran a nervous hand through her hair and she put on the biggest smile she could muster as she turned toward her precious five year old daughter. This amazing and resilient child, ever beaming with hope and sunshine has been the keel to Kierra’s ship this last year. She and her brother are the have kept her focused and moving forward, even during those times when all she wanted to do was leave this earth and be reunited with her love.

“Mommy, I like your house.” Dawn stated as she finally made it into her mother’s warm embrace. Little did this angel realize how dearly Kierra needed those little arms wrapped around her neck, fingers twirling her hair. Kierra buried her face in Dawn’s neck and soaked up the pure innocence, faith, and hope that embodied this little being.

Feeling depleted, Kierra asked, “What have you been doing, Angel?”

“We are looking at old stuff!” Dawn exclaimed, “David found a book!”

“Really? David is interested in a book?” Kierra questioned.

“It’s black! Let me show you!” Dawn squirmed to get out of her mother’s arms, sliding down her body until her tiny feet touched the ground; in that instant, she was off and running toward the house. Kierra began following Dawn into the house. As she passed the window, Kierra paused. She studied her image in the reflection and quickly went to work smoothing her hair and attempting to wipe away the streaks running down both sides of her face,

Where Dawn would look past the evidence of tears on her faces and her disheveled hair, David would not. Although this young man is only eight years old, the heartache of losing his hero has aged him, sadly, to a point where he does not enjoy any part of what makes childhood wonderful. He withdraws into himself, unless that is, he senses there is something wrong with mom. He has become very intuitive to the emotions of others. David will do whatever he can to attempt to relieve the stress of any situation.

When Kierra comes home from work too tired to do the dinner dishes, David will jump in without being asked. He will comfort his sister when she is having trouble sleeping at night. There were many mornings over the last year, Kierra woke to find David curled up in Dawn’s little princess bed. He has even made a habit of fixing Saturday morning breakfasts. It is almost as if he is trying to be the man of the house.

Satisfied she looks as good as possible, considering the day, Kierra reached for the slightly heavy screen door. Her eye caught the can of WD-40 sitting on the windowsill, causing her to think about how her dad had hated squeaky doors. Walking through the door into the kitchen, she remembers the same door as a child, back when she had to stand on her tippy toes to look out the screened window.

With reservation, Kierra walked through the kitchen, passed the refrigerator covered on all sided with photos of family and friends from years gone by. Kierra follows the muffled sounds of her children down the hall to a staircase leading to the bedrooms upstairs. The children were in the furthest bedroom, at the end of the hall, to the left. This room had been hers as a child, but over the years, had been turned into a storage area. As Kierra approached the entrance, she looked beyond the clutter and dust and tried to remember the details of growing up in here. Beyond the stacks of boxes, wooden chests, and layers of dust, she could see the posters she put up during high school were still hanging on the walls. Photos of camping trips and best friends were curling around the thumb tacks holding them to the wall.

David and Dawn were intent on one old wooden chest in particular. As Kierra approaches, they children both look up and begin to ask about the items they have found. “Mom, there are so many old books, letters, and photos in here. Do you know who Lyle is?” asked David.

“Lyle was my grandfather, David. He passed away when I was just a little older than you are now. Times were always hard, and my granddad worked hard to provide for his family and purchase this property. Often times, he had to work out of town and away from his family but he was determined to settle down here to raise his family. This place was his dream, he loved this area and the community here and told me many times as a child that this home would be here for me and my children. Grandpa Lyle said it was a piece of heaven”

“Mom, it looks like this was his journal.” David said in reference to the book, “It was in this box, and there are all kinds of little things in here with it.” He continued as he reached for an old pocket watch. The sunlight glinted off the silver watch with turquoise embedded throughout.

“I can remember sitting in my Grandpa’s lap out on the back porch and I would hold that watch and play with it while he told me stories and dreams he had.” Kierra reflected as she quickly wiped a tear trying to escape.

Dawn grabbed the journal and held it up to her mother. “Mommy, here’s the book,” Kierra did not know her grandfather had kept a journal and reached for the dusty, black book with shaking hands. The worn leather was brittle around the edges, a thick layer of dust made the book appear to be grey rather than black, and she could tell without even opening the book that there were many items pressed within the pages. She opened it and began to gently thumb through the pages. It was indeed a journal from Grandpa Lyle. He had written in it while he was away for work. The entries were dated and most were describing what he had done that day or were confessions of love for Grandma Jean and their children. He had wildflowers pressed between the pages, and had kept letters from his wife and pictures from his kids in that book.

Kierra was curious how she had never known of this journal, even after her grandparents had passed. Her mother never mentioned it, and she wondered if she had ever even known it was here. As she continued to explore the tiny book through the deep pools of tears in her eyes, she thought once again about how different life was and feared she would be unable to offer her children the joyful memories of freedom, security, and joy that made up so many of her childhood memories.

As Kierra turned the last page of the journal, she noticed a note from her grandfather. It seemed to be instructions. “MY LOVE FOR YOU WILL LAST FOREVER. EVEN IF WE’RE NOT TOGETHER, YOU’LL FIND REMNENTS OF MY CARING, WHERE PICNICS WE ARE SHARING.” What does this mean? Picnics? Kierra raised her head to peak out the dirty window, the sun was struggling to pierce through the years of dirt. She saw the old willow tree, and her heart raced. Suddenly, she remembered, way back from a very early memory, going out to that tree with Grandma, and having picnics there. Her grandmother would tell her stories of how much Grandpa Lyle loved sitting under that tree. Without thinking, Kierra abruptly turned and rushed out of the house. David and Dawn immediately followed, curious about the determined gate of their mother and where she may be going.

The children reached her side as they exited the house. Kierra paused for a moment, looking at the old willow tree. She remembered playing around it a lot as a child, and she does remember picnics there. How could she have forgotten those most treasured memories?

She told the children about these memories as the trio walked across the field and up the hill to the object of their conversation. Stooping to enter the shelter under the willow’s droopy branches, Kierra studied the tree and noticed a box built right in to the branches. It was discreet, barely noticeable unless you knew you were looking for something.

The children notice it at nearly the same time as their mother and everyone stepped toward it. “What is it Mommy?” Dawn questioned.

As Kierra neared it, she said, “We are going to find out.” This homemade platform was about 6” wide by 10” deep and 4” high. She reached for the lid and opened it slowly. Inside, was a box. Engraved on the box was the phrase, “ALL MY CARING”. Kierra opened the box to see old bank notes from the turn of the century. Grandpa Lyle had made investments in the railroad and never told anyone.

Kierra fell to her knees in front of her children and cried. This time, they were tears of relief, hope and gratitude. She would not lose her family home, Grandpa Lyle’s secret, was the key to saving the property and reversing the foreclosure. Kierra knew there would be many obstacles to overcome, however, with a renewed sense of purpose, she felt a hope she had not had since before this tragic year.

Kierra looked down at her children and for the first time since their father died, she said, “Everything is going to be OK.” The difference is, this time she actually believed it.