Don’t Judge What You Don’t Know.

There are people who haven’t been a part of my life in over 20 years.

I cut out a lot of toxic people while I was making changes.

I chose to only keep a select few people in my life.

I also have a rule which is

I only share selected information about my life with those who are close to me.

One thing I have learned is that you can’t stop people from pre-determining who you are, and you can’t stop people from thinking that they know everything about you and your family.

I found out some important and fascinating information about the family of my husband only a few years ago. This information regarded particular family members who I hold in very high regard.

So high, that I decided to show my pride and talk about it as I wanted to find out more because this information startled me, as I have been a really big fan of one of these particular family members who is well known for her acting and many other things, and has been for many years.

There is a problem.

I get accused of lying where I am being honest.

There is another problem with this, accusing me of lying is disrespectful and rude to myself, my husband and his family.

Don’t judge what you don’t know.

Some of these people saying such offensive statements haven’t seen me or my husband for many long years, and they hardly know me n ow.

Some of these people are related to me, and do not mix with myself or my husband in order to know enough about my life or my in-laws. They do not know the full story surrounding how I met my husband or the facts about what was happening in my life at that time.

They see the person they think existed, and not the person who actually exists. They also see a past they think existed, and not my past as it really happened

In fact,

they have zero ideas about my husband's family full stop. They have never met them, hell I haven’t met them either, though I did meet my mother-in-law a few years before she sadly passed away.

There is a lot to learn about my husband's family, so we started doing some family tree research in order to find out more.

My husband had cancer at a very young age and he has been through a lot of trauma, on top of that he has dealt with loss, pain, and trauma himself.

He is now dealing with more disabilities. Some were brought on by cancer and the operation to remove the cancer tumour and others were caused by the same problem but have been exacerbated by the fact that he had Covid-19 which triggered other things that were already there, but laid dormant for a while.

We decided to do this research because it helps my husband learn more about his background, which, as a human being, he deserves to know his roots and his family.

He already knows a little, such as about his Auntie who is now a Dame, and other important facts which I will not disclose here as I respect his wish to confidentiality with those.

The thing is, people, change.

You cannot second guess a person’s honesty if you have not seen them for years.

Blood does not always mean that you know everything about a person or their partner's life, and marriage is not a key that allows you to assume that you know everything about a person.

The way I see it is this.

Even if you were a part of my life in my faraway past; if you are not in my life now, you have no right to tell me what is and isn’t true.

There are people who are connected to my family that you do not know about on my husband's side.

It has to be remembered that you don’t know me or my husband personally enough to comment.

If you have never met any of my husband's family, how would you know?

Being married is a personal thing, it does not give anyone the right to say who is family and isn’t on my husband’s side.

It might not be believable to you, but that isn’t important. What is important, is this;

my husband's family and even though you don’t know them, they deserve a little acknowledgement and respect too.

So please remember, when I talk to you, it is because to myself and my husband this is important and fascinating.

I take pride in my Auntie-in-law even though we haven’t met yet. I pride her on her talent and what she does.

She is to me someone I deeply admire, and she was always someone I admired on screen even before I married my husband.

Hence, the reason why I talk.

I’m not going to hide myself in shame, just because people can be narrow- minded whether that is blood or not.

I am going to hold my head high every time I watch her television shows and say with a smile and a lot of pride

“That lady is my husband's Auntie and my Auntie-in-law.”

Because I have always appreciated this wonderful, talented lady since I was very young, and I am unashamed by your silencing to a point where I am not embarrassed to say

“We are related.”

There are other important members in my husband's family bloodline, which we have yet to uncover.

My husband has a right to understand his family tree.

There are many fascinating things to find out, and the more we do, the more I feel proud to have the name ‘Townend.’

I shouldn’t be made to feel beneath anyone whether family or not for discussing relatives who exist and potential bloodline.

We all make mistakes and some of us (like myself and my husband), have lived through many painful traumas in which we are the only ones who can tell the honest story.

Nobody has the right to make me feel bad about myself, and nobody has the right to silence my husband when he tries teaching me about my in-laws.

There are reasons why I have never met them, which would not do justice or offer any respect in explaining here because that is not for me to do.

However, my husband could confirm his relationship with his auntie, but why should he have to prove himself to people who only think they know everything about us?

In the name of respect.

Please have some dignity when discussing family trees or relatives, because you cannot disprove what you don’t know, and only those involved know the truth.