Do As I Say

There are few things in life that are more infuriating than a parental proverb. I sometimes wonder who first spewed out the very first mother’s or father’s rulebook of laws. I believe they were deliberately created to avoid explanation. Parents, not wanting to explain themselves, quickly adopted short, often snide remarks that ended the conversation, leaving us kids with big question marks hovering over our heads and bitterness in our hearts. My dad was a master at this skill. He was Pulitzer Prize-worthy.

There is no other phrase in the English language, no wait, in the history of any language, that is more irritating than “Do as I say, not as I do.” I don’t know if my dad invented the phrase, but I wouldn’t doubt it. It fit his arrogance and sense of superiority. Maybe he didn’t invent it. I have never heard anyone else mention it, so I erred on the side of it being his creation.

My dad was a strict father. I’d say he was often tyrannical, but I’ll be conservative and not say it. When he would dole out his lectures on why we were not allowed to do something, why we were being punished, and why he was limiting our tethers, we, like many children, would ask plenty of whys. Being a parent myself, I can understand how annoying that can be.

While I never said the words so readily available to my dad, the last lick of the sword, I can see where it might be considered a useful response. To me, it was just a cop-out.

I think that when any kid hears the words “Do as I say, not as I do,” the same thoughts run through their minds as through mine. “God, you are such a hypocrite.”

I never voiced the sentiment out loud. That would have had serious consequences I did not want to face. So, with words spoken, the argument quickly ended in his favor. The odds were against me, not in my favor. But what did the phrase really mean?

Those words are a very barbed hook. Once they go into the mind and symbolic flesh, ripping them out is almost impossible. I always heard them in my head and felt like I was waiting for them so I could be done with the pointless issue and leave the room.

They were insincere and backhanded at best. When Dad did not have a viable answer for me, he fell back on fear. He knew we understood that arguing with him would unleash his rage, and he knew we did not want that.

I think now about how many times he would make blanket statements about things he was guilty of doing, but did not want us or me to do. I feel that if you engage in an act you do not accept from another, you have no right to tell someone else to do otherwise.

Case in point. Cursing. My dad cursed like a sailor. If we slipped and said a curse, the lecture would follow. Usually, after a slap in the face for saying the word, and sometimes for questioning his reason. “Because I said so” was a close second to the other quote and was no less irritating. They are closely related.

The two proverbs essentially mean that you do or don’t do something because your supreme ruler has said so, with little reason other than control. To a kid, it means you are not worthy or intelligent enough to understand the highly exalted parent’s deep explanation of the ordinance’s merits or lack thereof. It’s insulting, really, and on the highest level, considering they are raising you to be like them.

“Do as I say” is a command. Akin to “stay” or “sit,” it is a master asserting control over his charge in the form of a command. “Not as I do” is the parent’s way of saying, “I don’t have to obey the rule I am forcing you to live under.” They are essentially admitting they are above such trivialities as modeling the behavior or actions they require of you. Hypocritical!

That kind of argument falls on deaf ears. It means nothing to instruct a child without living up to the standard yourself as a parent. Effective parenting or leadership comes from modeling what you espouse as acceptable. In other words, “Don’t tell me to stop smoking while you are lighting a cigarette yourself.” If you cannot live by your own rules, you cannot expect anyone else to either.

Kids figure this out faster than adults do. They understand the causes, effects, and consequences better than they are given credit for. To put it in the manner of nonsensical epilogues is offensive.

Saying “because I said so” instead shows a kid that you don’t have a valid answer. That, in itself, calls into question a parent’s honesty and rationale. If you cannot explain why this is not a good idea, then you do not know. You do not have a good reason. You are, by association, throwing the phrase out there to see if it sticks and to get away without having the answers or providing any. Cowardice.

If a parent doesn’t have answers to the questions their child will inevitably ask, admit it. Tell them you don’t know why, but also share what you do know. Help them reach a conclusion based on tangible facts they can visualize. They may arrive at the same rationale, or they may not. At least they can filter out something real and make a choice.

Continually resorting to curt cutoffs will only perpetuate mistrust in your authority. We, as parents, have to be accountable. We need to have a reply at the ready at all times. Children do not value wishy-washy answers to their questions. They see right through us. Don’t discount their intelligence or reasoning. As a mother of a young man, I learned quickly that if I could explain the specific reasons for my rules or decisions, my son would more than likely think them through and arrive at the same conclusions.

When our children acknowledge that our tutelage has merit, they obey or come into line with our wishes. They also take ownership of their choices, develop a stronger sense of self, and gain greater confidence in their ability to make decisions that positively impact their lives. And all of this for honesty.

Being honest that you don’t have all the answers, but believing it is the better path for them to take, gives your children a leg up in the race. They become proactive in finding answers for themselves. These miniature adults are not stupid and often see things with more clarity than we give them credit for. Respect them for that.

Give them the respect they are trying to earn. Don’t be condescending because of their youth. Yes, you have wisdom beyond your years, but you also have the wisdom to make choices and mistakes.

They will make plenty of mistakes, for sure, but hopefully they will learn from them. We, parents, cannot protect them from failure. They will fail, and they have to fail, in order to learn. If we do not provide them with respect by sharing our honesty and the rationale for our decisions, they will not be able to form their own.

My dad used his little condescending mantra so often that, at some point, I no longer believed he knew anything worth learning. He did, of course, but I stopped listening and learned the hard way, through many struggles, why something was not permissible or ideal. All of my mishaps could have been averted if I had been given honest, straightforward information instead of having the conversation slammed shut.

No one wants to live in a tyrannical dictatorship. No one wants to be told to do something or forbidden from doing something without understanding the basis of the order. Children deserve that. This is how they learn to think and question the process by which outcomes are reached. They do not have all the answers. We don’t either. With a little humility, both parent and child can reach an understanding of what merits honoring parental directives and what might be better served with a bit of finessing. At the very least, both the parent and the child will have greater respect for one another. That is worth the extra time to explain things properly.

I never had that with my dad, but I made sure my son did. Today, as adults, he and I have a really great relationship where we often bounce ideas off one another. We have mutual respect for one another, knowing we don’t always have the right answers, but that we can figure them out together. There is no “do as I say, not as I do.” There is only “do as I do” collectively.

(Published on Medium by Illumination, June 2026)

#family #life #lifelessons #culture #parenting #parents #children #honesty #humility

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