The picture above shows you my gorgeous little boy Malachai and my partner Matthew. Now they don’t look alike because they’re not related. Malachai isn’t his son. Malachai’s biological dad left when he was five days old and Matthew met Malachai when he was six weeks old. Now I know that sounds like I moved on very quick, but I’ve previously been with Matthew before. I met him in 2015 when I was living in a young person's housing establishment. We were together for over a year and a half but things got muddled and we broke up.
I met another person during January 2017 and fell pregnant March. Yes. I was silly enough to not use protection and think I wouldn’t conceive (I know it makes me sound even worse but I wasn’t looking for a committed relationship with this man...in fact, I wasn’t looking for any type of relationship with him). I didn’t realise I was pregnant till late April, by which point I had started to talk to Matt again. He was the first person to tell me I was pregnant. Matthew didn’t feel he would be able to cope in a relationship with me whilst I had another man’s child, which I understood completely. I spoke to the biological father and we were actually headed towards abortion because I didn’t think I could give this baby everything he needed.
This could be the part where you give me stick for not dealing with what I, myself put into motion when I had unprotected sex. Personally, pre-pregnancy I was very selfish and I believe I wasn’t a nice person. However after a few days of thinking it through, there was no way I could abort the child growing within me. I had to deal with the situation I had put myself in. (I do understand that everyone’s opinions and paths are different, I will not judge you if you do not judge me).
Myself and the biological dad stayed “together” the majority of the pregnancy. I had an incredibly strong desire for my child to have two parents around and that could co-parent together.
This is where it gets intense.
When I first met the biological father, he was a lovely man! Kind, caring, a good laugh, thoughtful. Yet, as soon as he found out I was pregnant, his true persona shone through. He was NOT the nice man he once was. Countless times he tried to cut contact and leave, ie blocking me on all forms of social media, blocking my number. He normally blocked me or left the house after verbally abusing me. Isolating me in all forms possible. He got inside my head massively and it made my pregnancy horrible. To a point where at time I didn’t want to be here, the only person stopping me was the little baby I had inside my body. Nothing I ever said or did was right. He never believed I cared for him even though I was the only one supporting him. He never supported me. He complained when he had to buy the baby clothes, a pram, a bed to sleep in. (I did actually end up ‘lending’ him so much money that I paid him back for the small amount of money he did spend). He worked five days a week on a very good wage until I was eight and a half months pregnant. Then he wanted to quit....so he did. He moved in with my mum because he had nowhere else to go (he’d been horrible to everyone else he knew so no one would help him) and he lived off of me and the money I had saved for the baby. Did I forget to mention that at six months he started to take Cocaine daily? His excuse “I have toothache and can’t afford to get it taken out”. He would then take Marijuana to level himself out. Every time I felt us drifting apart I actually used to feel happier, because his control over me would start to fade but then we would reel me back in again talking about how much he wanted to be there for his son.
It got to Malachai’s due date and baby didn’t want to come out. The biological dad had already disappeared countless time by this point; however, he did make it to the birth. He didn’t stay long though. After three hours he left me in hospital on my own with Malachai. My mum picked me up at 11 PM that night and I spent the first night where I lived with my son and mum. I then woke up at 6 AM to take Malachai back to hospital for his baby checks. Just me, Malachai, and my mum.
The bio dad came round that night. He was ill (cough and cold which I had also) and he spent the next two days in my bed. Me and Malachai actually slept on the sofa because he wouldn’t get out of my bed. On the 3rd day, he told me he couldn’t do it. I did make a mental note of “What? Because you’re not doing anything." I did every feed. I did the washing, the cooking, everything Malachai needed. He once complained at me because I napped for three hours whilst the baby did.
It came to day five and baby blue hit me hard. He ended up shouting down at me whilst I sat on the sofa holding Malachai. I told him to go because his behaviour was inappropriate. He’s seems Malachai a handleful of times since then. Each time he would start on me and cause Malachai to cry. It’s now been over 5 months since he’s seen him regularly.
Now thinking of how his biological dad behaved, let’s look at Matthew. The truest love I’ve ever had apart from my son. He had been with us since Malachai was 6 weeks. He was supposed to stay for the evening and he’s never left our side apart to go to work. He has provided for us emotionally, physically and financially. When it gets too much for me, Matthew is right next to me, picking Malachai up and making him giggle. He has never made me cry. He has never complained about Malachai. He has Always loved us. He has accepted Malachai beyond what I could have imagined. When he comes home from work, he walks through the door and gives me a kiss then continues to Malachai to make him giggle as he covers him in kisses. Matthew helps me pay for nappies, wipes, and new clothes. The bio dad has never financially helped...he’s just never contributed at all if I’m being honest.
The difference between these two men is incredible. The bio dad is what people would call a dead beat. An Matthew is an angel sent from God.
DNA doesn’t make you a true parent. It’s your actions. The love you give, the time you spend on them and the support you give. At least that’s my opinion. I’m very lucky to have Matthew in my life, let alone for him to accept my son.