Desperate Dragons

There weren't always dragons in the valley, but like I told you in 2013, they had to live somewhere. Where is it, exactly, that you thought dragons lived, or didn't you believe in dragons?

I get it, neither did I. It was my cousin's fault. He went to live with them. There is a book all about that. But this one is different.

I'm grown up now, whatever that means. The older you get the younger you grow, but you won't know that yet, not unless you read Merlin, watched that series on TV, or you are one of those chosen ones. The ones who know things, as if they knew them from birth. Nobody trusts them, so you'll probably be glad if you aren't anyway.

I've decided not to share how old I am. It is crazy around here right now. People keep stealing. Nobody said anything about that either. It isn't in the Bible. The great stealing epidemic. I mean, it says that 'it will come like a thief in the night' in the Bible, but, and correct me if I am wrong, won't you, it doesn't say anything about the great stealing epidemic?

Now the day I got my Whoosher, that was the best day of my life. That happens in book 2, but don't tell anyone. That will be your favourite book when you read it. Getting a Whoosher is something to remember. That's all I'm telling you. I want you to come back. I just thought I would leave that dangling there for you like a succulent toenail or something. Whatever it is that you chew on when no one is looking. I know you have secrets, just like me.

The Silver Ragusaurus was the second dragon to get everyone in trouble. It wasn't his fault. He was born, just like it says in the book, on a hill in Dorset. The first dragon was Jet. But you can read about them elsewhere. This is a different story. It's, ah, I will try and show you.

Seeing as things come in threes, there was a third dragon. Well didn't you know? That's because I haven't told that story. It's a bit difficult. I don't know whether to call that dragon Boris or Sheila. He was such a difficult dragon. He bawled his eyes out when he was born. And he never looked right from the start. He was neither one sex nor the other, that was the problem. You could see it right from the start.

It is funny how mums and dads imagine it is easy to bring a baby into the world. I mean, they haven't a clue about how much work a baby might be. It comes as a bit of a shock, I can tell you. And it was no different with Bela (Be La). You say it like that.

"Bloody hell". They probably won't print that. Well don't blame me if they don't. I am just being honest. That is what his parents said. They had been yelling at the computer and swearing their heads off at Siri for about 8 years unchecked and now all of a sudden they had to learn manners. If they didn't get their manners back pretty quick then that baby was going to be the rudest baby in the history of mankind.

Ah, did you think Bela was a dragon? Sorry to destroy the illusion. No. Bela was a baby. A human baby. Bela bawled. Bela bawled a lot. Then, one day Bela caught sight of something in a shop window. Bela's dad was just walking past it, and he had taken Bela out of the pram for a minute because he was about to throw up everywhere, when Bela stared hard at something shiny in the shop window. Bela's dad stop dead in his tracks and stared too. 'What the h--' and then, he remembered that he wasn't going to swear ever again, except on Sundays, maybe, once or twice when he was out cycling or something, so he said. 'What the? Hang me.'

Bela had his first word, 'Hang' said Bela.

'No', said dad, Say da, da.'

'Hang' said Bela.

'What is that thing that is hanging upside down, anyways?' said Bela's dad, who had developed a strange accent to fit in with the town he was staying in at that minute. And he carried Bela into the shop, and tripped over the step, sending Bela whizzing up into the air.