Dear Mother Chapter 2

'Get the fuck out of my bed, now,' Alex growled. The water in the kettle was beginning to jump with heat and would be boiled in less than a minute. And one thing she couldn't stand was peering at the face of a one-night stand over her first shot of caffeine.

'You weren't saying that last night,' said the coy female voice from the bed.

The words and tone irritated Alex as she wondered if Yolanda, Ulanda or whoever the hell she was had the hide of a rhinoceros.

'Do I look like I'm fucking joking?' Alex snarled, turning a cold gaze on the smiling figure in the bed. The girl's expression became puzzled.

You were nothing like this last night.' The girl was unsure whether Alex was serious. Alex decided to clarify.

'Last night I wanted someone to fuck and you were available. End of story!

Alex turned her attention back to the boiling kettle. She listened keenly and smiled at the sound of the covers moving. Finally, the stupid tart was getting the message.

She held her breath, hoping the girl wouldn't ask to take a shower. Alex just wanted her gone.

She decided she would need to hone her selection process in future. She had known that the girl was inexperienced the moment she offered to buy her a drink. With seasoned 'hunters' one drink was enough to convey the message before leaving for the nearest bed. This girl had cost her three brandy and Cokes and an hour of pointless conversation.

She smiled ruefully. It had been worth it, though. The girl's fair hair and milky complexion had belied her voracious sexual appetite and Alex had been lulled to sleep by the sound of the refuse collection, truly exhausted.

But once she'd woken the bed had closed in. It was a space she struggled to share. Like mother, like daughter, said a small betraying voice in her head. Fuck off, she replied, but the memory had already formed...

She'd been five, maybe six, when a nightmare had propelled her from her bed. She had instinctively aimed for the door across the hall. Catherine had blocked her path.

'Where are you going?'"

"To tell Mummy about my dream,' she said, trying to hold back the tears.

'No... 'Catherine protested but Alex didn't hear any more as she marched across the hallway.

She pushed the door open and touched the bare arm protruding from the yellow sheet.

'Mummy, I had a nightmare,' she murmured, her voice still weak with fear. There was no response. She tapped harder. 'Mummy... Mummy... wake up...

The form stirred and peered at her in the dark.

'I had a nightmare,' she repeated.

'So fucking what?' her mother said, gruffly.

"There was a monster with claw hands and big teeth and he was chasing me down the street. He was running after me and he wanted to eat me and his claws were sharp and they were going to rip into- 'Get out, Alex.'

Alex knew that she had made her mum angry, but she tried to climb into bed beside her to feel safe from the monster.

'I said, fuck off,' her mum growled, pushing her harshly to the floor.

Alex began to cry, the residual fear of the nightmare finally spilling over her cheeks.

'But I'

"This is my bed, not yours, now get out before I call the monster back. I control his claws and teeth and they'll rip you apart if you don't piss off.

Alex screamed once and darted back into the opposite bedroom. She threw herself beneath the covers and hoped they would protect her.

She tried bravely to stem the tears and the sobbing. The monster might hear her and come back. If she could just be quiet then she'd be safe.

'It's all right, I'm here,' Catherine said, kneeling beside her.

Alex popped her head out from beneath the covers. The monster wouldn't come if Catherine was with her.

'Come on,' Catherine said, taking her hand. Her sister led her to the single bed in the corner of the room and drew back the covers. 'Get in.' Catherine settled herself and placed a protective arm around her. The tears stopped and her breathing returned to normal. The body heat of Catherine and fatigue pulled at her eyelids.

'Mum pushed me out of the bed,' she said, moving closer into Catherine.

'Don't think about it. She just hates sharing the bed.'

"She said that the monster_'

'Shhh,' Catherine soothed, stroking her hair. 'Go back to sleep and I promise the monster won't get you tonight. I'll look after you.'

And her sister had kept the first part of her promise. But not the second.

Alex growled out loud and pushed away any thoughts of her blood ties. Her mind would not accept the word family.

Alex appreciated the reprieve of the girl being in the bathroom. She could feel that her facial muscles had slackened under the pressure of the memory but she needed them firm and harsh.

She readied herself for the inevitable questions before the girl finally took her leave.

'Can I take your number?' 'Will I see you again?'

Alex shook her head. Why did it have to be this way? Why couldn't people just accept a casual fuck for what it was? She resented being put in the position of having to say no and appearing heartless but in- evitably it ended that way with the inexperienced type.

Her normal type was rough, energetic and gone by sunrise. On the rare occasions that she found her- self in someone else's flat she made her excuses by five a.m. It was only polite.

Alex stiffened slightly as the bathroom door opened. For a few moments she had relaxed back into her own company. Her favourite place to be.

'So, can I see you tonight?'

'No.'

'At the weekend?'

'No.'

'But-

'For fuck's sake, just piss off, will you?' Alex roared. The studio flat was tiny enough. Two people in it made her claustrophobic.

A pang of regret bit at her as the girl padded to the door carrying her shoes, but it wasn't strong enough to prompt her to change her mind. She felt bad but not that bad.

The door closed and with her domain her own again, Alex breathed a sigh of relief, wondering if it was worth it. So often, these days, the chicks wanted breakfast in bed and a lifetime commitment. She'd already been there, done that, bought the T-shirt and burned it.

'Fucking commitment,' Alex growled as she lit her first cigarette of the day. She drew in and exhaled deeply. Her first fag and coffee was something that she shared with no one, not even Nikki. Even then Alex had risen half an hour before her lover.

As she swallowed her first mouthful of coffee a gentle knock sounded on the door. For fuck's sake,' Alex shouted. Didn't the stupid cow have enough taxi fare? She threw the door open, her face a mask of anger. It quickly dissolved into a smile when she saw Jay, her best friend, lounging against the door frame.

'There'd better be a muffin to go with that good coffee you're carrying or you can piss off,' she said walking away from the open door.

'As if I'd grace your doorstep at this time in the morning without gifts,' he said, kicking the door shut behind him. He placed the cardboard cups on the kitchen counter and delved into his jacket pocket. 'Blueberry,' he offered.

She nodded approvingly, taking the muffin from him. The aroma of warm dough and fruit made her mouth water.

Jay retrieved a similar bag from his other pocket. 'Oh, how civilised,' he chuckled as he removed the lids from the coffee. Alex sniffed at the fresh aroma and threw her home-made instant down the sink. Jay sniffed the air, dramatically. 'Is that the scent of a cheap tart I smell?'

'Yeah, but she's gone now.'

I was talking about you, darling.'

Alex gave him the finger and bit into the muffin. Small crumbs broke off and tickled her chin. Suddenly, all was right with the world and if it lasted for the duration of the muffin, that was fine with her.

'Nikki came into the club after you left.'

Alex rolled her eyes. Of course it couldn't last. 'So?'

Just thought I'd let you know, that's all. You were a gnat's bollock away from bumping into her."

'Why should I care?' she cried at him, her voice rising.

I just thought I'd mention it in case you were interested,' he said, flicking his non-existent hair. He'd gone for the shaved look a month earlier.

'You're so gay,' she said, laughing at his campness.

'You're right. I am a truly happy person.'

Alex chuckled as Jay tried to press a beauty spot formed of muffin crumb above his upper lip.

Thank God for her friend, she thought as she viewed his crestfallen expression when the fruity beauty spot landed on the plate. He'd been the first friend she'd made when she moved to Birmingham seven years earlier.

They'd met during her first venture into a gay bar. He was one of three males amongst a throng of fe- males dancing and gyrating in a small airless space. Intrigued, she had asked him why he was there. He'd admitted that when he wanted a quiet drink he frequented bars full of butch lesbians who'd leave him the hell alone.

Any thoughts of meeting someone that night had been put aside as the two of them spent the whole evening chatting and laughing together. And little had changed since, she thought, as she chewed the last mouthful of dough. They both still worked part-time in different bars. He was still trying to make it as an actor and she was still content not trying to make it as anything.

'So, how did she look?' Alex asked, offhandedly.

'Gorgeous, as ever. She's put on a couple of pounds and she's got a nice tan. To be honest, if I was a les- bian I'd be all over her.'

'You're biased and you know it, so be objective for a minute.'

Jay put his finger beneath his chin and pursed his full, feminine lips in a dramatic thinking pose. 'Okay, objectively she looks fucking gorgeous.'

"Thanks for the impartiality.'

Jay shrugged. 'It's not my fault if you're too stupid to realise that she was the best thing that ever hap- pened to you.'

Alex buried her head in her hands. 'Jay, leave it alone. You don't know anything about us or what hap- pened in our relationship.'

I know enough to understand that you were the happiest you've ever been when you were with Nikki. She was something special and you let her get away,' he said, accusingly.

'Back off,' she warned.

'You don't frighten me, missy. I'll say what I like; free speech and all that. You were stupid to let her go. Is it really so much better getting a quick shag now and again to ease the misery?'

'I get a quick shag 'cos I like sex,' Alex said, attempting to lighten the mood.

'You get cold sex with faceless strangers because you're lonely, and don't even pretend otherwise 'cos we both know it's true.'

'Fuck off,' she sighed, lighting a cigarette.

'And before your pride sinks any lower, I'll put you out of your misery. No, she wasn't with anyone." 'I wasn't going to ask,' Alex said, stubbornly.

'No, you probably weren't, but it was the one question rolling around in your mind.'

'Jay, I'm warning you, if you don't shut the hell up I'll-' Alex was saved from finishing the threat by the ringing of the phone.

She traced the muffled sound to a pile of clothes on the sofa. She threw them on to the floor.

'What?' she barked into the mouthpiece.

'Is that Alex Morgan?' the voice asked, tentatively.

Alex felt a shiver trace the length of her spine. The gentle voice sounded vaguely familiar, in a way that made her immediately uncomfortable.

'Speaking.'

'Hi Alex, it's Beth.'

Alex closed her eyes as guilt rolled over her. The silence between them grew uncomfortable. Alex had no clue what to say to a sister she hadn't seen in eight years.

'Are you there?' the voice asked, softly.

Alex searched for any trace of hostility or accusation in the few words but found none. Inexplicably a lump formed in her throat. Of course, there wasn't. This was Beth.

I'm here,' she whispered.

I have some bad news for you,' Beth continued. Alex heard the catch in her voice.

Alex held her breath, waiting for the words to come.

'Mother died during the night."

Alex exhaled the breath she'd been holding. She briefly listened as Beth quietly gave her the details of the funeral.

Alex said her goodbyes and gently placed the handset back in the cradle.

She turned to Jay but spoke more to herself.

"Thank God the bitch is dead.'

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