Dear Mom, I Am Sorry I Lied

Dear Mom,

I once lied to you. Yes, only once. It was not because I did not respect you, because I always did respect you very much. However, I did not know what answer you wanted and I wanted to connect with you, so I took a chance on answering the question the way I thought maybe you wanted to bond. I have always regretted this because I wonder if I told you the truth if we still could have bonded. I often wonder if you were disappointed in me and you just handed it the best way you could, or if you had just wanted the best for me and wanted to make sure I was making the right choices. That day, at that moment, I felt like an adult and that you were treating me like an adult and that we were bonding not only as mother and daughter but as the best of friends as well. At that moment it felt good, but after I wondered if I should have told you the truth, Even years later I still think about this and wonder if I was wrong. Why that day did you ask me this question out of the blue? What did you want my answer to me? I hope that you understand my reasons for the lied I told you, I am sorry that I lied to you, I never lied to you again or even before that. And even though there was a good reason I felt wrong for lying to you. The worse part of it was that when these things actually did happen in my life, I was unable to come to you in that way to talk to you about them. That is the moment that I realizes that I had messed up. That is a moment or moments that should have truly been a real bonding moment for us and because I had not been honest with you, I was not able to come and tell you myself when things happened to me or in my life. I did not know if you were hiding back or if we could talk like friends. I feel like I took that moment and ruined it. And I feel like I took that moment from you as well as myself. I often think about how I would tell you when something was happening to me, and how I would tell you.

I think about how I will tell you a lot of things. I think about how I would tell you if I was pregnant, about how I would tell you if I was dating someone new or if I was getting married and every time something significant happens in my life, I think back to that time I lost with you and I wonder how I would do things if I could go back and do them but unfortunately I can not.

But now that I have a daughter, I tell her to always tell me the truth and never be afraid if it is going to make me mad or upset me because I will always trust her to tell me anything, and if it is bad we will work through it together, and if it is good, we will enjoy it together and we will revel in happiness together. Now I know how it is as a parent and I think about that time that I lost with you. You knew me so well though you probably knew I was uncomfortable and that is why you did not press it. I love you mom.

Love your sorry daughter

Amanda