Dear Mom

Our relationship started off super rocky. As a young child, I didn't know who you were and I would fantasy about who you were and what you did for a living. I always wondered what kind of life you had that would make you want to leave me for eight years and not come looking for me. When I finally did get to meet you and moved in with you my dreams were crushed. You were a horrible mother and I regretted ever finding you. I blocked out most of my childhood because it's a lot to take in.

Life got better when I was a teenager, we became close and I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder as well as you so I had a better understanding of who you were and why you did the things you did. You taught me so much, lessons I thought were stupid until I became an adult and understood what you meant. You are the reason for my love of music and sports. You might not have done things the conventional way but you raised me to speak up and not put up with anyone's bullshit. You raised me to be tough and to always protect my heart and to never let a man see me cry.

I know I held on to my anger and hated you for too long but even though my childhood was torture there were also a lot of good moments I'll forever treasure. Like you putting me on a Spanish dance team so I could learn how to dance. Making me exercise every day of my life so I wouldn't get fat and stay healthy. The best way you knew how to bound with me was through music. We didn't have to talk, you would just put music on and let it do the talking for you. Still to this day, I turn music on to help with any emotion I'm going through and I thank you for that.

I know towards the end you were super sick and couldn't do much but I'll always remember you as the lady always playing volleyball. I remember all the wonderful games we came up with because we didn't have the proper equipment for tennis so we came up with volleyball tennis. All my high school friends came over just so they could play it with us, and that is one memory I'll never forget. I love you for introducing me to sports and teaching me to be athletic and to stick with fitness.

You became my best friend as an adult and to me, you were the greatest woman I've ever come across in my life but you left me without warning. You were the only person I could ever count on and you left when things were bad. I've been mad at you plenty of times in my life but not like this. I hate you and love you at the same time! I know this is selfish but I needed you to stay. You leaving put me in a worse situation and I don't know how to fix it or how to survive life without you. You were my rock, my mentor, my comfort, and the greatest friend a girl could ever ask for.

You didn't just leave me but you left my kids as well, they still don't quite understand that you're gone. Alyssa could go to you for anything and you always made her feel better about herself. Hell, all my friends would go to you for advice, everyone loved you and needed you. Anytime I need advice or my daughter needs advice I try to think of what you would say or do but it's not the same as having you here telling us what to do.

Laughter was your go-to with any situation and I loved it, I could be crying my eyes out and you'd say something funny to take away the pain. There's no more laughter in our family since you've been gone. It's so hard to crack a smile when all I want to do is cry and ask why the hell you were taken. I hate it, I hate missing you, I hate not being able to call you, I hate not having you here with me.

I've forgiven you for everything bad that's ever happened because, in the end, I got an amazing best friend. I could talk to you about any and everything. You never judged me or bashed me even when I was out doing stupid things. You always had my back and made sure I was safe and you always made sure to tell me you loved me and that it was ok to make mistakes. You loved my kids better than I ever could, you meant everything to them and it sucks you're not here to watch them grow up. You've missed Alyssa doing cheer-leading, Junior playing football and Aaron playing soccer and basketball. You'd be their number 1 fan and they'd be so excited to show you their trophies. Life feels empty without you.

We had plans, lots of plans. We had trips to Disneyland planned, the beach, to go to the hot air balloon festival. We planned out my wedding and you were supposed to be the one walking me down the aisle. You left before I could even find a husband ( I can just hear the jokes about that one). We never finished our prank videos. I never got to go dancing with you or to go get drunk on the beach in Mexico like we planned. You always wanted to talk about what would happen if you died and I never wanted to listen. I never wanted to live life without you, maybe I should've listened because now I'm just lost without you. Everyone said you'd outlive us all even with your many medical issues. I started to believe it but then you died without warning. You just left and I'm so mad because you told me you were coming home and we were gonna fight and win this stupid battle.

You're gone now and that big beautiful lady I've known my whole life is in a tiny little box now, turned to dust just like you asked. Only problem is we can't fully let you go, you're still in that box. Someday we'll release you to the ocean like you wanted but for right now I want to pretend you're still here. I can't just fully let go of you just yet. You'll forever be in my heart but I don't know if I'll ever be able to forgive you for leaving me.