Dear Grandma. I Miss You.

Dear Grandma

Yesterday we went for a walk.

It was warm but not summer warm, though that's ok because Summer has almost ended. The sky was blue, though it appeared dark and cloudy in my perception. The birds were singing, but I couldn't hear them, and there were a few coloured flowers still in bloom, they appeared to wilt right before my eyes.

It was only a few weeks ago that we took our Grandson to the beach near where we live. I watched the sea with tears in my eyes, remembering all those happy times we had at the seaside. Whenever I start thinking about you, I think about Grandad too, and that tears me up even more.

However, no matter how hard; I still smile through those tears, when I see my gorgeous Grandson smile. His beautiful blue eyes always sparkle when he smiles, and his little face lights up with joy when you do something that delights him.

You witnessed pain when I was parenting your own great grand-children. You witnessed those dark days when my mental health wasn't good, and you saw my soul torn apart by the bullies in my life who tormented me. I made a promise after you died,

To never see another parent or child go through the pain and torment of abuse that I went through ever again.

I went through a long, horrible period of torment in order to recover from the pain, and when I was going through it, it felt like you were my only witness and the only one who believed me.

In June 1999 you saw me marry the most charming and adorable man that I could ever have met. You and my step-grandad proudly came to my wedding and you both smiled, because for the first time ever, you saw me happy with someone who loved me deeply and who I loved too.

We have been through so much trauma since that date. We have each faced our own demons and mental health battles, and there were times when it felt like the past was repeating itself in front of our eyes and in our lives.

The important thing is, no matter how bad the storm; we walked through it together because you taught me that when love is strong, you can get through anything.

You was right...and we are still together 24 years on. We have been married for 23 of those years

My husband had cancer as a toddler, which was followed by a dangerous and major operation that changed his life. That operation left my husband with a number of physical and mental health difficulties, which we didn't know about until he was admitted with Covid-19 and the hospital went back over his medical history. Not only that, he had a car crash before Covid-19 which had already left him with chronic pain and other difficulties.

Do you remember? My husband went back to work after a period of mental illness. He was a nurse. Sadly, he had to leave that job to which he had dedicated so much of his love and time.

I wish you were here so that I could tell you how proud of him I am for his achievements in nursing, in which he helped so many people to live better lives.

It has been a really hard journey. We lost people we both loved on our journey of recovery, and through the sadness, we nearly lost ourselves too.

I want you to know that despite a journey of pain, we stood by each other and we both came through together. I dedicated my time and took risks along the way, spending many years helping this wonderful man to find the right help and get well, and that wasn't easy while I was also battling my own difficulties while trying to keep my family together.

Not all of my family stayed together, some had to live elsewhere because many saw us in a very negative light, and painted a bleak picture of us as parents.

You was right though.

We were never bad, unfit, dangerous parents. We loved our children very much unlike those parents out there who harm their children. We just had many difficulties, and hardly anybody was there to help us overcome them.

Let us move forward to today, which I am sure will make you smile at me from heaven.

I feel that I have matured a lot. I've moved on to work on my goals of establishing my dream as a writer, I've studied many courses around humanities, mental health, childcare, writing and many subjects of which I have CPD's with excellent marks including distinctions.

My only disappointment is I was never able to study the humanities at a higher university level which is what I really wanted. My childhood and family difficulties put severe blocks in the way of the road for me. Nevertheless, I am not one for quitting and I'm talented at many things, especially creative fiction writing which I love.

I am searching my family tree so that I can find interesting facts about my family, and my husband is doing the same. My husband has already told me about my uncle-in-law and my famous auntie-in-law who I discovered is also my favourite actress!

She isn't just an actress. She is a Dame now, and I have discovered she is amazingly talented too. I won't mention her name here, but you will know who she is if you remember the many conversations we had together about my favourite television shows which we often watched together.

I know my husband and his family have been through a lot of pain too, but like I told him; there are many important things to also be proud of when it comes to his family, and his Auntie and Uncle are also people to be proud of, for who they are and their achievements.

I study film, drama, books, literature and many things to do with the arts today. It takes a very creative talent to do what my Auntie-in-law did, and I often wonder if I might get to meet her one day.

There is still a lot I am learning about my in-laws and my husband's family. It feels very complicated tracing his bloodline but it is fascinating.

I want you to know that you were right. I married a 'charmer!'

That is what you called him!

I married a man with a heart of gold, too precious to throw away, even if things have changed for him.

You always told me never to give up on the one you truly love. Love is about accepting the good, bad, and ugly.

I promise Grandma, no matter how hard my new role as carer gets and no matter how lonely and tearful I feel sometimes, I will never give up.

I will stay strong, fight and be here for this wonderful man, who as you know, also saved my life.

There is one thing left to say...

I miss you.

Thank you for reading my story. I have included more for you to read here: