Dear Angel Baby

Dear Angel Baby,

Your due date has arrived, and instead of you being alive and here with me, I’m left with empty arms, a stomach aching, and a heart that won’t stop breaking. As every due date/birthday goes by, I wish I could get to know the joy of being able to see you aging, and that I never had to say goodbye.

Everyone speaks out with their insensitive words, not knowing that the things they say can cause more hurt, and unfortunately, sometimes the people you love don’t know what to say and end up just staying away. The worst things that people have said include, but are most definitely not limited to; “I’m so sorry, that’s so crazy, but at least you know you can get pregnant,” or “maybe it just wasn't time.” Oh and of course, the most popular saying is, “Well, you know you will get your rainbow baby.”

While that may be true, and I am so ready to have a rainbow baby, I cannot stop the love that I feel for you. No baby will ever replace you or make not having you any less painful. Even though I never got to hold you or meet you, I am eternally grateful to know you’re always going to be with me, my sweet Angel.

Sometimes, I think about what you would be like, and who you would look like the most. Would you have your daddy’s funny personality or your momma’s little, fat sausage toes? Would you have blue eyes or brown, and would you crinkle your nose when you cry and frown?

Would it be pretty pink bows, dress-up, baby dolls or monster trucks, Hotwheels, and dinosaurs? Only God knows. Either way, you would be your daddy's best friend, and your momma’s whole world whether you were a sweet little boy or a beautiful baby girl.

The saddest thing, I never got to see you smile, but all the while, it gives me peace knowing that you never had to know the pains of this world. It’s scary out here sweetheart, and so much evil and hatred have unfurled. It makes me so happy that you will never know fear, sorrow, or the struggles of tomorrow. All you have ever felt and all you will ever know is love, and I am thankful that I have you watching me from above.

I know that you’re in a better place, even though I can’t kiss your face, and I know that you’re surrounded by so many people that love you. You’ve got my little brother, your daddy’s momma, and so many others up there keeping you company too. I’m sure you’re keeping them all on their toes even though you’re so small... I mean you are your father’s kiddo after all!

I don’t know if I will ever fully heal, but I know that you wouldn’t want your mommy to be sad.... so for you... I will make a deal. I will smile and push forward, and I will look for beauty in all things. I will continue to pray for a better day.

I know you would love me if you were here, but I know your love for me doesn’t stop just because you’re not near. I may not have you here with me now, but I promise you I will see you one day somehow. This world was too cruel for your sweet, perfect soul, but without you, my heart is left with a giant hole.

I will love you forever and ever until the day that I die!

Xoxo,

Your mommy ❤️