Day1085

Sadness, reluctance, anxiety, fear, denial …

Those are all the emotions I have right now. I am here in the hospital again, and I have been coming here since last month. The only difference is, normally, I come after school, not leave the school early.

My mom smiles when she sees me. She smiles a lot, but right now, smiling seems to take up a lot of her energy already. I kneel next to her sick bed, my eyes starting to bleed tears.

“Mom…”

I don’t know what to say. Are you okay? You will be fine? I want to talk to her, I thought I would have a lot to say, yet, nothing comes out of my mouth. Then she raises her hand, slowly and trembling, and pats my head. I remember this, every time I felt sad or hurt myself and cry, she will just pat my head, saying, “Don’t cry, my silly child.”

But she is not saying that now, instead, she just looks at me, I wipe my eyes to get a better look at her at the same time. Maybe deep down we know, this might be the last time we look at each other’s face.

A while later, she slightly moves her lips, looks like she wants to say something.

“Say that again.” I ask and lean closer to her, then her lips move again, but I still cannot hear anything.

“What did you say, mom?” I feel nervous and turn my head so she can talk directly to my ear.

She touches my neck, making me look back to her, then she shakes her head gently, raises her index finger, pinkie and extends her thumb. It is a sign language that she taught me since I was young, meaning “I love you”.

“I love you too, mom!” I yell. “I love you too!”

She smiles, for the last time, and gradually closing her eyes.

I don’t know how long I cry in the hospital, all I know is by the time I get back home, I no longer smell the foods mom makes, no longer hear her saying “You are back!”, no longer see her smiles.

I put a small black notebook and a black, high-class fountain pen on my desk. A nurse gave them to me, saying that they belong to my mom. I lay on the bed, with all the memories with my mom flashing back at me. The time she laughed so hard when I made a cake for her birthday but mixed up sugar with salt, the time she looked so proud when I became the leader of the school football team, the time she looked really sad when I asked her to leave me alone. Oh, even the time she disciplined me, I used to hate it, now I wish I could hear it again, I would not fight back, I would listen, and I would say sorry.

I have laid on the bed for so long. It is already late at night; I finally get up and sit on my bed, then my eyes fixated on the notebook. I open it, the first page has a title “Day 1”. That was the first day my mom diagnosed with cancer, which was a year ago. She wrote down her feeling that day. I read her notebook page by page, and my puffy eyes starting to swell again.

She wrote every time when there was some big event happening. Like my or her birthday, Easter, etc. The notebook is full of positivity, even though she would sometimes write about her cancer condition, she would use hopeful words alongside her splendid drawing.

“Day 398”, the day she needed to stay in the hospital.

“Day 435”, which is today. I can tell the handwriting looks different, sloppier than the previous page she wrote two weeks ago. Looks like she was in pain and exhausted when writing this. At the end, she wrote “Goodbye” with a smiley face next to it. Also, with a small line at the bottom, telling me to check the box in her room.

I took a deep breathe to ease my pain from missing my mom, until my heartbeat goes down a while later, I walk toward her room and open the door.

There is a big box in the middle of her room. What could it be? When I open it up, I am shocked by the money I see. There are stacks of money, with a piece of paper and a pen on top. My mom had been living a thrifty life since she needed to take care of me by herself, I didn’t know that she also saved money after she was diagnosed with cancer. Now, she left me with 20,000 dollars, and a pen as she knew I love to write. In the letter she also urged me to finish my last year of high school and attend a good college.

I put down the letter, opened the black notebook again, grabbed the blue pen from the box, which looks as delicate as the black one mom used, write down “Goodbye, mom” below the one she wrote at the end of the page.

With the money I have, the first thing I buy was a maple wood casket. Besides that, I mostly spend it on food and tuition.

My life starts to go downhill after my mom passed away, I cut contact with my friends. Although I attend a good college as my mom wished, my school performance is getting worse and worse, I am not having any social life either, I also become really unhealthy as I am not taking any care of myself, I just live without any purpose or motive, like a man without a soul. One day, I got an email, saying that I got academic probation as my school performance does not meet the requirements.

I feel faint and look at the door of mom’s room. I have not gone in since the day my mom passed away. I opened the door, it is really dusty inside, which adds to the loneliness I have. I grab the wooden box on the desk and unlock it with a key. There is a blue fountain pen on top of a small black notebook inside.

Suddenly, I don’t know where I am, but I see my mom in front of me smiling

“Mom!” I yell and run to her.

She embraces me and pats my head gently.

I tell her how much I love her, tell her how much I miss her. We have talked a lot. She told me to be hopeful, be positive toward the future, something that she had always taught me, something that I should know, but buried deep in my mind for a long time. She encouraged me, she comforted me. I just hope this moment could last forever. But then, she said she needed to go all of a sudden. I immediately cuddle her tight, my eyes starting to tear up.

But she just breaks free from my entangled arm and starts to rise.

“Mom, please don’t go! Don’t leave me alone.” I yell as I try to jump up to grasp her.

She smiles, raises her index finger, pinkie and extends her thumb

I open my eyes, the sunshine from the window brighten up the notebook as a spotlight, I must have fell asleep last night while reading it.

I turn to a new blank page, hold the blue pen that I have only used once, do some counting in my head, then write down

“Day 1085

I promise you Mom, starting today, I will be strong and make you proud!”

I ponder a bit, then cross out the title, and write

“Day 1”