Dads

I met my dad when I was six years old. It didn't start that way, though. He was a total stranger. And before I knew it, he was my dad. It didn't always feel like he was my dad, though. Many times, my brain wanted a fight, and we did. We had lots of arguments. My brain often told me to storm out and walk or run away. And I did.

It wasn't until I graduated high school and moved away and into my grandma's and aunt's houses that I realized I wanted to be able to be me. And to have peace. I wanted to have time to let my brain process what was going on with it and to be able to focus on my school work.

When I was little, a lot was going on. I have no perception of time, but when I can focus, I have an acute focus on it when something important needs to be done. Like when I had to write a paper in elementary school for some Halloween-themed thing. It's mostly what gave me the love of writing. I always got 100s on my essays and research papers. Now, I don't get so much as a few readers. Such is life.

My dad was partially deaf from working in the oil fields, so we always had a loud T.V. going on during the day. It made me hyper-focus on the noise. And that made focusing on school work even harder.

I have a rough relationship with my dad. That's also because my dad isn't my biological father. He was around but not a lot. He'd have a manic attack, leave and end up in jail. He only really came around to get a few specific things that those types want to get.

Then my other dad showed up. He and I are on good terms now. He stuck by my mom through all the rough spots no matter what happened. She and I both have depression, and we need people like my dad. She's never been on any kind of anti-depressant like I have. But she deals with it ok enough. He's always there to help when and how he can. And in his way, he holds space for her.

I learned SO much from both of them. I understood that I didn't want to be like either of them. I wanted to be myself—my beautiful, intelligent self. I wanted to go back to school, get my degree, and have a great career that I love doing. Even if my ADHD gets in the way, I learned that even if things get loud, persevere through it to get done with what you need. I knew that even if change and challenges come into your life, keep moving forward.

And then there was my grandfather. He taught me not to be so severe unless I had to be serious. And when I had to be serious to get it done. And when things get tough figure it out and fix it.

He was the one who made me feel like a family-like home was wherever he was.

I didn't become a dad. I was only like one to my daughter when her dad was figuring out his place in her life. He's a great dad. We co-parent so well. He does so much cool stuff with her. They're going camping soon. I hope she likes it.

My brother is also a dad. He loves his little girl so much too. She's growing up so fast. She and my son were going to be the same age. She arrived on earth a lot sooner. I'm sure they'll be great friends anyway.