Courage

Courage. It’s hard to have it sometimes. I’m the first to admit I’m a rather cowardly person. I prefer agreeing with others to avoid confrontation, saying yes to avoid saying no, supporting others even if it meant putting myself last, staying at home to avoid people, and remaining quiet to avoid awkward conversations.

I’ve always been known as the quiet girl, the shy girl. I prefer it that way – I can avoid conversations without being seen as rude and I can happily sit by myself at lunchtime. I immerse myself in my books and love the strength and boldness in the characters I read.

My family was different from me. Extroverted and confident. Sometimes I wished I was like them, but I had my own strengths. Different, but still strong.

This time, I had to be the strong one. I took a deep breath as I stared at the golden door. The old woman’s voice echoed in my ear: “You can change the past.” If there was any chance I could… I had to. I had to do whatever I could.

I summoned every ounce of my courage and stepped through the golden door. The world around my blurred and my stomach twisted as my body hurdled through time and space. I woke up with a jolt, recognising my high school teacher as he stared down at me. It worked.

“Have a nice nap?” growled my teacher.

I blinked. I had no idea what the date was. Did I make it to the right time? “Sorry,” I muttered after a second. “I didn’t have a good sleep last night.”

He grunted. “Don’t do it again.”

The bell rang and he dismissed us all. I darted to the pickup zone, momentarily losing my bearings as I tried to find my way. It’d been a long time since I’d been at school.

I kept an eye out for mum’s car. I remembered she was always there early; she knew how shy I was and how much I loved leaving school. She was always early for my sake. Except for today. My mother was nowhere to be seen. My heart pounded in my chest. I remembered she was only late twice. I prayed this wasn’t the second time. I still didn’t know the date, was I too late?

An hour passed by slowly, with no sign of her car. I could feel panic rising within me as I continued to watch the driveway, praying that she would arrive at any second.

After another few minutes, a car finally rolled down the driveway. It wasn’t mum’s car; it was dad’s car. He worked late so he never picked me up. Something was definitely off. I didn’t remember dad picking me up - did something already change? Was me going back enough to trigger changes?

I quickly jumped into the car. Before I could say a word, I caught a glimpse of my father’s face. His eyebrows were drawn together, and a deep frown settled on his face. His eyes were slightly red, and he looked exhausted. Which event was this? What day?

“Dad?” I muttered nervously. “Why are you picking me up?”

He cleared his throat and gently clasped my hand. “Your mother is with Eliza. She was admitted to the hospital today.”

Eliza is my older sister. Older by 3 years but I always thought I was more mature than her. She was sick a lot during this year. I initially thought she was faking it. Would be a great way to get out of school. But her skin grew paler, and her eyes started to drift off, not paying attention to her surroundings. She was sick, very sick. But we didn’t think it would be anything serious. I now knew different. I knew how serious it was.

“Why?” I questioned. Which day was this?

“She collapsed today. She was rushed to the hospital and after numerous tests they discovered why…” he trailed off and took a deep breath, making eye contact with me. “Your sister has leukemia.”

My heart stopped. Diagnosis day. This was diagnosis day. I thanked whoever controlled my travel back in time. I made it. I made it back to the day I wanted. “She has cancer?”

Dad nodded. “We’re going to go see her now. The doctors have been taking treatment with your mother." He squeezed my hand. “She’ll be okay, sweetie. The doctors will figure it out.”

I bit my lip. They didn’t figure it out, not in time. But this time it would different. This time I would make sure it was different. I stayed silent for the entire drive. I didn’t know what to say and dad didn’t look like he wanted to talk.

When we reached the hospital, we quickly made our way to the room my sister was in. She was asleep but looked so ill. My heart pounded. It had been years since I’d seen my big sister’s face. I didn’t remember her looking so weak and pale.

Mum pulled me into her arms, holding me tightly. “I’m so sorry you had to wait so long,” she sobbed into my shoulder. “I couldn’t get away, so I had to get your father to get you. I’m so sorry.”

I shook my head and squeezed her back. “I understand mum,” I replied quietly.

I sat by Eliza’s bed and squeezed her hand, she stirred slightly but return to her deep slumber. A doctor soon came in, his eyebrows furrowed as he glanced between my parents. His expression told me that he didn’t have good news, and I knew he didn’t. I watched as my father gripped my mother’s hand tightly.

“Eliza has acute myeloid leukemia,” the doctor said softly. “She needs a bone marrow transplant as soon as possible. Unfortunately, neither of you match so you will not be able to donate.”

“We don’t match?” repeated my mother, shock plastered on her face. “Are you sure? Can you check again?”

The doctor shook his head. “I’m very sorry. The results were conclusive. You’re not a match.”

Mum’s expression darkened and tears started to fall down her face. She couldn’t hide her devastation. “Is there no way?”

The doctor shook his head. “We will start looking for a donor, but family is usually the best place to find a match.”

I took a deep breath. This was the moment I was able to change the past. They didn’t think to check if I was a match until it was too late. This time would be different. “Am I a match?” I asked loudly.

My parents looked at me in shock. They hadn’t considered me as a donor. The doctor frowned and stared at me for a moment. “You’re her sister?” he asked.

I nodded. He looked at my parents. “She could be a match if you wanted to test her.”

Mum gripped my hand. “Are you sure?” She asked.

I nodded. “I’m sure.” I knew I would be a match.

It was an uncomfortable test, but not painful. I was grateful that it didn’t hurt as much as I remembered. My body was a teenager again but my mind an adult. Perhaps the adult mind helped with the pain. When the results came back I felt relief. It hasn’t changed by me returning to the past - I was still a match. I was a match.

I could save my sister. I knew that she would still have a fight ahead of her, and she knew that too. Cancer is a bitch, and it would take a while to beat. But she had a chance this time. She would have the chance she didn’t have last time.

Surgery scared me. But losing my sister scared me more. My life was hard without her in it. I couldn’t lose her again, not when there was a chance to save her. I had to do everything I could. I needed my sister.

Courage. It’s hard to have it sometimes. I’m the first to admit I’m a rather cowardly person. But, when it comes to my family, my sister… I would do anything. For my sister, I travelled back in time. Became a teenager again to have surgery to try to save her life. I can endure the pain. I can be courageous for her.