Conscious parenting

In childhood, through trauma, we learn to develop an ego. We create a separation between the body and the mind, because we need to convince ourselves whatever is happening to the body is not happening to the mind. We create a space, knowingly or unknowingly, in our minds where we can go and escape. It has been brought to my attention the sad truth that most, if not all of us, have suffered from some form of abuse as a child. For instance, if you were given a spanking, for any reason, you were abused.

Now I know many people are going to disagree, I disagreed. I thought and told myself that I was spanked because I was being disciplined and that it was coming from a place of love. However, love does not hurt. One more time in case you didn't get it, love does not hurt you. Anger hurts you, jealousy hurts you, deceit and betrayal hurts you, but love is none of those things. I understand at this point I have made some people upset with my ideology but hear me out. I do think we need to discipline our children. Children need to learn what is wrong. I refrain from saying right because we all have different opinions on what the right way to do something is. But we all understand what is wrong, clearly. Example, we know that hurting people is wrong and that we shouldn't kill, that is why when people kill they try to hide it or justify it because you can't just say "oh I wanted them dead just because." I do believe though we can teach our kids good values without having to use our fist.

First off, people are give spankings out of anger, and the lack of the level of patience that's required to care for a child, we must accept this truth about spankings if we are to overcome this. I know people have a perception that spankings are done to set boundaries, but is it really setting a boundary or is it serving as an example for violence? If love is patient and love does not get angry then why would you hit your child in anyway? Why would you want to hurt your child to get a point across? Are you teaching the difference between right and wrong or just causing your child fear and anxiety? Discipline is necessary, but in martial arts Sensis don't beat their students if they don't perform moves correctly (at least the ethical ones don't).They continue to make aware, teach, and prepare a student to execute a move perfectly. With this being said parents need to approach the situation in the same manner.

As a parent you must learn patience not just with your kid, but with yourself. It is difficult to be patient in these times especially when all the info we are getting about the things around us is coming fast. From deliveries to loading our apps we want to display no patience; we have a burning desire to have what we manifest right now. That is a "I have received spankings" mentality. The mentality that just because things aren't going the way I want them and it is upsetting me now I must react from a place of powerlessness instead of using energy to get to a place of understanding. Yes I am saying you should strive to understand your kids beyond the fact that they are bad or don't listen to anybody. Start asking yourself why. Why does my child hit other children? Is it curiosity about what is going to happen? Or are they being subjected to viewing violence so much that they think it is an acceptable way to express emotions. We must start thinking is my reaction to the situation with this person helping or hindering them. Not just with our children but in every aspect of our lives. I bet if we took a step back and looked at the bigger picture some of us would see that we may think we are helping and supporting people, but in actuality we are limiting them and what they can do. Spankings our the first method we use to limit our children instead of helping them understand.

I remember as a child yearning to explore the world around me. But because of my mother's past my exploration was limited. So when I got green food coloring out and mixed it with flour and water to make goo, my six year old self got food coloring everywhere. I remember sitting in the living room waiting for my mom to come inside and see the stains the food coloring had left. I was pacing back fourth and my heart was racing; I was having a complete anxiety attack. I was six, but I had the stress of a grown man who couldn't afford to feed his family. When she got inside and walked in the kitchen she immediately saw the food coloring marks. She just turned to me, looked me straight in my eyes and without hesitation said, "You're getting a spanking." I used to think that response was normal and just as I was writing this it hit me that what happened to me was wrong. I now know that all of it was wrong. The hand pops, the wooden spoons, and most importantly the belt; the things that keep children in fear from exploring the world around them an rising up to their true potential. I should have been celebrated for my creativity and exploration. I should have been valued more over cabinets and counter tops. I should have been told that sometimes things get ruined, and then shown how to clean them up. I should have been told that explorations is ok but to safely do it with someone, and then my mom should have made plans with me to make some more goo. I should have been sat down and explained that acting reckless right now is going to lead me to act reckless later in life and it will make me feel things and go through situations that will lead me down a path of self destruction; which includes depression and suicide. Most importantly though I should have been hugged and told no matter what you do that angers or hurts me, I will not hurt you.

This is not a writing piece to tear down my mother and make the world think she is horrible. In fact it is quite the opposite. See my mother reacted the way she did to the situation because she was abused herself and her parents before her, and their parents before them, all the way back to slave times and probably before. We are caught in this vicious cycle. The cycle that adults tell themselves about the younger generations being out of control and a nuisance and if they just got spanked more instead of catered too then we would all be better off. So because of that mine frame my parents were both abused, and my grandparents were abused, and I come from a family that is abused and doesn't know any other way to gain respect from their kids than to hit them; I know I'm not the only one. To those that say that spankings made them better, sure. So you have never broken the law, or you don't deal with anxiety, and you've never been in a fight, also you feel completely equipped to handle this world. If that is you that is great, but I look around at my peers and all I see is people that are hurting on the inside, pretending to be fine on the outside, and drinking their selves away trying to feel something different. I am saying that we were not told how to handle our emotions very well. I had an anxiety attack at six years old and then got spanked which caused even more anxiety for me, of course I had anxiety issues and a bad stutter. I was in fear that I was going to get hurt just for being myself. I bet if you look back on your life and really think about how you felt after getting a spanking it was not empowered. You probably became upset just like your parents were and you were probably sad just like your parents once felt ( or still do), don't you see they passed their emotions down to you. So instantly and subtly they made you feel what they were feeling, but their parents did the same thing to them. That's what we need to heal from; the abuse not just from our lives but the ones of those before us. We have generations of pain that we all need to confront and accept, so we can save these kids. Everyone keeps saying save the children, but you have to save your inner child first

To the parents who did or still are putting their hands on or using weapons on a child, you are wrong. You are inflicting pain upon another human being because you need to make a point; you want to feel heard. But deeper you are letting us know you were abused yourself, and when things/ people don't go your way instead of dealing with the feelings of powerlessness that were inflicted upon you years ago, you would rather make those around you feel powerless as well. Also, those of you that do not discipline your children at all you are wrong. You must teach kids the difference between right and wrong and that consequences do come from their actions. Bottom line we must teach our children how to handle pain and how to handle not having things go their way, but in a realistic way. Hitting people or being violent may give you temporary relief, but in the long run it's not productive to the mission we all have here on Earth. You need to teach them that when things get messy they don't melt down and abandon their goals of feeling satisfied, you handle your business with grace. Teach them about setting healthy boundaries, instead of showing them how to be a bully. Bottom line spankings or no spankings, the problem with lack of the proper discipline can teach children they don't have control over their minds, hearts, or bodies, and anyone especially those in authority positions can treat, effect, and touch them however and whenever they want.

All of that brings me to this. We need to strive to understand these children and be understood by ourselves. No discipline at all and spankings negate away from helping our kids learn how to understand how to maneuver and succeed in this world. But I don't blame anyone for this problem. We are all apart of the problem in one way or another. So this is me being apart of the solution. I have had the pleasure of being around and witnessing conscious parenting and seeing the frustrations it can bring, but the intellect and emotional intelligence that your child learns from you being patient and valuing your child's emotions over your own is indispensable. Next time your child does something wrong, try to Breathe first, then act. And I challenge you to act in a way that forces you to understand the perspective of your child. Don't put evil into by saying they are doing it just for the attention. Ok if that is so, then why do they need attention? Are they just yearning to be hugged, spent time with, and understood by you?