Cognitively Delayed Children

There are a lot of unsung benefits to being the parent of a child who has cognitive delays. Being autistic is a factor, of course, as well as her speech delays; all of them combined play an integral role as to how I raise her as a human being that exits my own rules and enters her world of comfort.

I could start this off with the whole back story of discovering that my autistic daughter has cognitive delays and speech delays. I could mention the exact moments I knew. I could detail the emotional roller coaster it is to discover that your child will not grow up the way you had hoped she would. We see a lot of stories like this when it comes to talking about special needs parenting. I have a different interest regarding the subject.

When my daughter was diagnosed, I had a lot of people tell me, "Wow, I don't know how I'd do it." For a while, it felt like a compliment, until I really thought about it and realized that it actually felt kind of insulting. I love my child, and I won't deny that the endless appointments and testing make me insane sometimes, but I love her. How could I not do these things? It's not something I wanted for either of us, but it's something I'm willing to do out of love. Maybe some people don't realize they have the capacity to love like that, but I found it quite easily before and after her diagnosis. I just want people to know that you don't have to ask this question. You'll find out if you can or can't. I did.

The truth is, there are so many things we don't talk about that make parenting children with cognitive delays one of the most sensational roles of parenting I've ever experienced. I plan to share this important information with everyone who finds interest in a different variety of humans.

The Baby and Toddler Stages

The general consensus is that the baby stages are the best, but they fly by the most quickly. In truth, they're correct: the babies always grow up too quickly, and there is nothing we can do about that. However, when it comes to my daughter, her cognitive delays have allowed me to soak up and enjoy each stage of learning all the more.

She wore diapers until she turned six, which was awesome because it happened on her time. It wasn't something I was hoping she would end more quickly; it was something I was waiting to see her overcome as a small obstacle to becoming continent. She succeeded, and we celebrated like crazy.

Her major milestones get massive attention, but that doesn't undermine all of the milestones in between. She has goals set for her regularly by therapists and teachers at school, and she meets and exceeds them at a rapid pace! While I'm sad that she is growing so fast, I know that I am so lucky because I got the best and most baby-like love from her for much longer than most mothers do. I am so grateful for it. (This hasn't changed too much, though. She still demands my attention on a regular basis, and I love it every time.)

The Challenge to Become Creatively Constructive

The largest unknown concept of parenting a cognitively delayed child is becoming creative in how to communicate effectively. With my daughter having a speech delay, along with cognitive delays, finding the right way to help her understand more complex situations can become tricky. This might sound difficult, but it's not, it's just a self-challenge that can be incredibly fun if you get creative.

For example, when Coronavirus hit, my daughter didn't understand the sudden loss of her routine. Her verbal skills have improved tremendously for the past few years, but last year, she regressed a great deal due to stress. Communicating with her became a whole new creative challenge for me, and I was up for the job. The first part was adjusting her to wearing a mask all of the time outside of our home. It wasn't the easiest road, but she saw that Mom was wearing one and that everyone else had one on as well, so she accepted that this was a "new norm." Not that I wanted anyone to have to accept that...

I ended up referring to the illness as a "big sick" in the air that needed to go away before we could go back to the school. Unfortunately, my manner of communication failed, as it created many nightmares about my daughter returning to school. We remedied this by driving past the school to show her that there was no more "big sick" but that she could wear a mask to be super safe. That seemed to go through just fine.

She makes me step outside the box and implement new ways of understanding. Visuals are important to her, and I enjoy the opportunities to utilize parenting skills in such a different way. This is a perk that is not told to anyone! You get a chance to show, describe, and explain things eloquently and age-appropriately on her level. While it can be hit or miss, it helps strengthen your ability to assess what might work most often.

More Therapists = More Goals = More Wins

Who doesn't want to win on a regular basis? My daughter has three types of therapies that take up twenty hours a week. She spends approximately eighteen hours a week in school where she also receives two therapies during the week. We hear about goals being met and exceeded from a lot of sources!

I know people automatically wonder about the driving, the exhaustion, having to put so much time and effort into things like that, and rest assured: it is entirely worth it, especially when you see that child doing things you never thought you'd see her do. There have been points in her life that I have truly wondered if she would be in my care until I were no longer here. Now, watching her succeed in so many ways all of the time, it feels amazing to have hope again.

She proves us all wrong all of the time and it's one of the greatest ways to be proven wrong. Her goals are everything to me, and we work hard for them to be overcome. One of the best things about parenting her is enjoying the smiles she gets when she is told how well she has done.

The Discovery of Heroic Siblings

There was an incident with my daughter that involved a bus driver who seemed to very much dislike her during her first grade year. My daughter had never had an issue on a bus before; in fact, she adored her driver during Kindergarten. One day, the bus immediately dropped her back off to me, telling me either I could take her, or they could call the cops. She had been kicking the back of the seat in front of her.

It was, what I felt, an act of racism. The woman and her attendant had never been kind to her, and a staff member at the school told me he witnessed the attendant standing menacingly with her arms waving in the air, trying to keep my daughter from getting out of her seat on the bus. He commented that it seemed very dramatic.

My daughter is biracial, and I wouldn't have been surprised if their hate was focused on something like that.

At home, we openly discussed this issue with the other children and how to solve the issue. We weren't entirely surprised to discover their outrage.

We heard everything along the following:

1. She was KICKING A SEAT?

2. Seriously?

3. That doesn't even make any sense!

4. Should I just ride the bus WITH her?

5. Maybe we should just go with her ourselves.

6. This isn't even fair. She's not a bad kid.

7. Poor Bobo (her nickname.)

Although it was not a pleasant experience, what did come out of it was the strength of how the children feel about their sister. Two of them are bonus siblings by chance, one is by blood, and all three of them were standing prepared to defend her honor. Knowing that she is surrounded by love like that based on who she is alone? This is another perk no one talks about! She is lovable, and everyone loves to love her.

The Inarguable Innocence

There's no denying that on a regular occasion, she knows she is toying with me on purpose, and she's doing it to amuse herself. Don't let my article fool you; she is still just like me, which is quite spiteful! However, there is something about having these delays, in addition to being autistic, that has gifted her with purity.

My daughter exudes an innocence that you don't see anywhere besides animals, possibly. She does not like eye contact and I do not like to force it myself, but when she forces hers upon mine, it's like getting lost in the most pure light you've ever seen. She is open, clear, and on a level we will never understand. Being her mother is a beautifully magical experience, and magic is one of my favorite things.

That innocence has given her the ability to ignore societal standards. She dresses in the most uniquely assembled outfits that do not match whatsoever, and will pair them with 25 hair clips or 3 hair extensions and a rainbow bow. I let her be herself, because if it makes her happy to see all her favorite things, that matters more than being fashionable.

It's been teaching me, for so many years, to stop worrying about little things like what others think. She clearly cannot pause to care, so why should any of us? Her bravery, her boldness, and her taste in just having fun in this life are admirable qualities I get to spend time with every day.

Again, why isn't this talked about? What a positive environment I get to have. Another benefit.

There are plenty of reasons to enjoy parenting children of all sorts. You could create endless lists of the things you take from parenting no matter what type of child you were gifted to raise. All children give us something special to hold onto.

For me, today, I felt it necessary to tell everyone our little secrets as "special needs parents."

The secret is: it's not as bad as you think, as long as you know how to love.