Cheating - The Ugly Truth!

Adultery, affair, fling. Whatever you call it, cheating is cheating. But why do people do it? What are the signs to look out for? What can you do to prevent this from happening? Can you get your relationship back on course?

My name is Ruth and I have had affairs. I have also been cheated on. Karma? Maybe. But it does give me a perspective on cheating that may be different from yours. Sometimes it’s interesting to get a different perspective.

Sex and Cheating

One thing all affairs contain is at least a sexual element. Most of us enjoy sex and see it as an important part of our lives. If we don’t have sex though, we don’t die. It isn’t necessary for life, like food and drink. Society seems to tell us that it is necessary though. Sex is used to sell us products, to motivate us to buy. Sex is made out to be an essential part of adult life. This leads to children trying out sex. It makes them feel “grown-up”, and the consequences are life-changing. Children having babies used to be a rarity but numbers are increasing.

Cheating and Emotional Needs

The high value society puts on sex could be part of the reason marital infidelity is so common. This is a small part of the story. Sex is also about emotional connection. If a person isn’t getting their emotional needs met, problems will arise. They could find themselves wide open to having an affair. Emotional needs drive decision-making. You can see this in advertising; people buy on emotion and justify with logic.

Imagine a man who is not happy in a marriage. He wanted children before they came along. He wanted his legacy to the world! But he wasn’t expecting to lose his wife in the whirlwind of baby care and sleepless nights.

He didn't expect his wife to be all consumed with this little bundle! It's well known that women are all consumed with their babies. This is vital for the baby because they need 24/7 love and care. Falling in love with our babies is how we help them to be functioning adults.

But the male partner feels pushed out, surplus to requirements. He is working hard and we hope his wife is off work for a while. It's possible that she decided to take fewer hours at work, now the baby is here. He is the one with all the responsibility to provide.

Cheating, Men, and Vulnerability

Does this justify men having affairs? Not at all. Men can have affairs, or men can not have affairs, the choice is theirs. There are going to be attractive women at work. One of them may see being friends with people at work as something she ought to do. But if the men are in a situation at home that makes them feel neglected, then it’s a temptation. If the female colleague is in an unhappy relationship or is lonely, then she might seek attention. This is where an affair can start.

Circumstances happen out of the blue which means one partner or another isn’t happy. Sure there are some people with a high sex drive and see no problem in having affairs. I once knew a guy whose first wife had affairs. He divorced her and remarried. In his second marriage, he took every opportunity to have flings with as many women as he could. I didn’t understand the logic but I guess he thought he would get in first.

My Experience of Cheating

I had affairs in my first marriage due to loneliness. My husband worked hard and was out of the house for many hours during the day. I wasn’t able to work at the time, so it was easy for me to go online and talk to people. By people I mean men. I met up with one and so the affair began. Was it right? Nope. I should have left my husband and found someone else once I had separated. My husband, though, threatened to take my daughter away from me and move abroad if I tried to leave him.

You can see we were not in a good place. If I had this article then I could have done more to help the marriage and keep us together. While I don’t regret the divorce I know that I could have managed things in a much better way. I had unmet needs and I went about resolving them in the wrong way.

How To Avoid Cheating in Relationships

Affairs are usually caused by unmet needs.

So is it inevitable that people have affairs? No, because we can do lots of things to help meet a person's needs. Communicating your needs to your partner is a good place to start. Relationships do need work and communication is part of that. Communicating your needs can mean making time to talk to your partner. That can be a challenge especially if there are kids around. But it’s so important for the kids as well as for the couple. Kids need their parents to show them how to be functioning adults. Parents must speak to one another and make time for one another.

Be Honest, Be Vulnerable

It doesn't only need time though. It requires that both parties are honest with one another about how they are feeling. This can be a challenge. Lots of people have not been raised to speak about their feelings. I used to find it very difficult to express my feelings of love to my husband. My dad died when I was six, and soon after a close male friend of my family died. I concluded in my six-year-old mind that I had some sort of death wish and the men I loved wound up dead. I held onto that belief into adulthood.

It was only when I talked to my husband about this that I was able to be closer to him. Being vulnerable meant I was able to reveal my secret feelings. Then I could talk about how I love him, want him around. Many of us don’t like being vulnerable to our partners. We may have experienced a childhood that didn't value emotions. So if you have trouble talking about emotions or feelings then make it a practice to work on that. You can start small. Talk about little things that are bothering you. In time, you will gain confidence in yourself and your partner. You will be able to speak about all sorts of things that you are thinking or feeling.

Cheating and Therapy

You might find you need to go to therapy to work on those feelings. If that isn’t something available to you, why not look out for some insightful self-help media? When one-half of a couple starts to improve their mental health, this has a positive effect on the other half. If you start working on yourself, then your partner's mental health will also improve.

Putting effort into your relationship says something to your partner. It says "You and I are worth it." It says "I want us to work." Strengthening your relationship means your partner is likely to reject advances. They will be more focused on the relationship, on you and your family.

One thing that is good to talk to your partner about is sexual issues. If a person's sexual needs are not met for a long time, it affects their mental health. Without any changes in the sexual situation in sight, this can lead them to justify having an affair. It goes back to what we spoke about in society - it teaches us that we are entitled to have our sexual needs met. Other people's feelings are secondary to this. But if you don’t communicate them to your partner you are hardly being fair.

Cheating, Sex, and Courage

It does take courage to say to your partner I want to try this. But your partner is interested in your wants and needs, that’s why they are your partner in the first place. Ask your partner how they rate your sex life out of ten, with one being the lowest and 10 being the best. Open up the discussion by asking what your partner needs. Once that is discussed then you can bring up something that you would like to try. Even if your first choice is extreme, there might be a toned-down version that you could start with.

For example, say you wanted to get into bondage. You might want to hog-tie your partner. Pretty hard core, huh? But could you be patient and start with furry cuffs? Or insisting that they lie still for so many minutes? In time their tolerance may grow, and you can increase the minutes. Or if they can't stay still, ask them if you can tie them down. Your partner might come to love it. Be prepared that they might get more enthusiastic about your desires than you are!

If you feel you cannot talk to your partner openly and honestly, it might be time for marriage counseling. If your partner won't engage in active listening, this is another sign. Don't worry about your counselor taking sides. My marriage counselor said:” I’m not on one side or the other, I am on the side of your marriage.” (Although I admit, sometimes it felt like they were on my husband's side.) Counselors can give couples a space to express themselves. They are great at letting each person speak while the other one has to hold their tongue. They encourage active listening so that everyone gets heard. You don’t need to wait until things feel like they are falling apart before you get some marriage counseling. It's a useful space to discuss concerns and issues.

Having seen things from both sides, I believe that affairs are avoidable. By showing interest in your partner and valuing your relationship, you make affairs less likely. Invest in your relationship. Actively love your other half and make time for them. This way you can have a safe, secure relationship that will weather the storms of life.