Captivating Expectations

I was captivated by winning my parents approval; ensuring I had their undivided attention. They would have a crowd over; I would fake throwing up to ensure everyone knew I was their center of attention. The word Hate does not adequately describe how I trained my sister to think of me; from ensuring that 90% of my punishment was framed on her. I so desperately wanted to know that I was enough in my parents’ eyes. I set such high expectations of myself because I inadvertently created expectations that I was sure my parents had of me; but never voiced.

I worked hard, as an athlete trained hard; I could not fail and would not fail. I followed a path I thought would make my parents proud. Yes, along the way I would find my passions and things that brought me joy; but I never embraced them as loves of my life but instead of imaginary expectations being met.

I was living a life mixed of aiming to please my parents and finding Joy in what I had pursued as a career. I was somewhere in the middle of being a child and a woman. In this mix I was eager for a weekend away; to free myself of the constant grabbing of expectation on my soul.

A girl’s weekend was in full swing, as soon as we got to our out-of- state destination. Mid journey to freedom, for a weekend; I got a phone call. A call that my newest beau was in trouble; in fact, a dear friend of his died tragically in an accident.

Somewhere in the 8 hours of us being apart his world was flipped upside down. My sisters and my parents had very clear expectations that I should not return home and ruin our weekend plans. He was a new beau and nothing that anyone in my family would have planned, picked out or expected for me. I hesitated and wavered, do I let all the imaginary expectations I had placed on myself win and thus miss out on what could be a pivotal moment in a new budding relationship? Or do I listen to my inner voice telling me that I would fight a stampede of bulls or hitch hike the whole way home…but I must return to the arms of my newest beau…even with the pressure of very clear expectations that I would be breaking.

I did not fight a stampede of bulls, but I did harshly inform my sisters that I would not be heeding their advice and found the next train station open. I jumped on a train and returned home. The entire way knowing I had done the right thing but feeling like I had just upset the way my world had turned for its existence. To this day, I remember getting of the train and realizing that it in a very real sense felt like I had shed an old skin.

This decision was one that put me on a new path, of finding my soul in a place of seeking acceptance but desiring being content with who I was. It was one that has now created a level of health in my relationship with myself as I realize most of the expectations, I thought I had to meet growing up; were no more real that the Boogie Man or a monster in my closet.

The best man at our wedding informed me that he knew there was something special because the moment I got off the train my now husband’s demeanor completely changed and everything was okay.