Can Broken Families Heal Themselves?

I have a standard joke whenever a mechanic tells me I need the wheels aligned on my car. I respond by saying, “No thanks, I’ll wait until the road knocks them back into alignment.” Families can get out of alignment too and sometimes they can restore balance (equilibrium) of their own accord, and other times they need to be steered (or jolted) back into place by a professional?

So, what does it take for the do-it-yourself families? The basic requirements are:

Motivation — Everyone involved must want it bad enough and be willing to face some discomfort to work things out.

Know how — Adequate communication skills and self-awareness are essential. (i.e. Emotional Intelligence)

Persistence — There will be setbacks, so hopefully no one will give up with the first sign of trouble.

Realism — Families will never be perfect so cutting each other a little slack is helpful.

Diagram “A” shows how a family with the necessary resources can restore equilibrium after an incident or crisis. They are thrown off balance (red line), but they can re-stabilize on their own quickly. (Represented by the blue arrow).

Out of Work and Working It Out

An example would be a dual-earner family who has faced one of them getting laid off or fired from a job. Temporarily this would be a challenge and it would disrupt their routine. (Disequilibrium). During the period the working partner may work more hours to make up the lost income. Of course, this can reshuffle family work and the nonworking partner may pick up the slack. If the period of unemployment is brief, they would likely be able to resume their normal routine. Per the diagram above, they are restored to equilibrium without outside help.

Let’s take the same scenario and extend the period of unemployment. Let’s say that the unemployed partner gets depressed and is unable to sustain their share of the family work. The working partner attempts to do everything, and it becomes standard operating procedure. Their roles become rigid. Eventually the unemployed partner finds a job and their depression lifts.

Despite the improved situation the “do everything” partner has become stuck in a martyr role and is reluctant or unable to share responsibilities. Even if the other partner tries to help, they may be told, “You did it wrong.”

The other partner may be stuck in a helpless (or not helpful) role. Trust has broken down and a semblance of harmony is achieved only by avoidance. As frustration builds, passive aggressive behavior might ensue, or overt conflict can erupt. This family has now reached a stage of pathological equilibrium. It’s called equilibrium even though it is dysfunctional because the roles and behaviors are predictable. They don’t interact at all or they have the same fights over and over. One side trying to make positive changes would cause confusion or could heighten the conflict.

Diagram “B” explains why the family can’t simply return to its normal state of equilibrium. You will notice that in order to get back to normal they would have to pass through a state of disequilibrium. (Represented by the blue lines). The realignment of roles and relationships is too difficult without help because the new (pathological) arrangement has become the norm. It’s not ideal, but it’s familiar. Each party is afraid to change because they have lost faith that the other party will follow through.

The family now requires outside help or extraordinary circumstances to achieve better functioning. It’s crucial to understand these dynamics and how each partner is getting a psychological payoff.

Rivalry or Resentment?

Another common example of pathological equilibrium can occur between estranged adult siblings. They disown each other rather than feud. They may have a relationship with their parents, but not each other. Parents my want the issues resolved and may try, but this usually makes things worse because the ultimate solution requires the siblings to establish an adult-to-adult relationship without parental intervention.

It’s also important to know if the split is caused by sibling rivalry or a specific event. Sometimes sibs will just outgrow a rivalry as part of the normal developmental process. Specific resentments are more obstinate. They require deliberate actions. Forgiveness or reconciliation demands a new perspective, brought about by a major emotional event or self-transcendent behavior. One client told me they re-established contact with an estranged sibling after the loss of a grandparent that was close to them both.

As painful as it is to see these family rifts, parents should avoid playing the role of “go-between” or “peacemaker.” Adult children need the space and time to decide how invested they want to be in their family of origin. There is a bias in our culture that family members need each other and must get along, but that may no longer be the case. With more economic and geographical mobility and less dependence on child labor (such as in the agrarian or family business economies of the past) adult siblings have more options to build support networks outside the family of origin.

Nonetheless, many families want closeness and harmony. If it’s true that we are less dependent on family through our lifespans nowadays, then closeness is even more gratifying because it is a family of choice. Robert Frost said rather cynically, “Family — that’s where they have to take you, when you have to go there.” Today it can be said that family cohesion may be less necessary and so it can be more intentional. We usually prefer to do things we sincerely want to do, including how we define our families.

Starfish Families

Starfish are known to be able to regenerate lost appendages. Many families enjoy a similar ability. They can regrow dying relationships. I would argue that even with the involvement of a therapist, the family is self-healing because only a deep desire to resolve family issues makes it possible. The therapist can be a cheerleader and a coach but cannot score the points necessary to bring the team to victory.