Bridging The Gap

I just turned 32 on June 16th.

That was the first time I can recall my father ever saying “Happy Birthday.”

Hmm..well he texted me and didn’t say “Happy Birthday,” he just acknowledged that it was my birthday. Take your wins where you can get them (slaps knee with laughter.)

I’m pretty sure that opening statement says everything you need to about the dynamic of myself and “Big Moon.”

This is usually the part of the story, where someone goes over how not having a father caused psychological damage, messed them up, damaged their confidence, and how they needed someone to teach them how to be a man and to throw a football. Well this ain’t that type of story! I mean he hasn’t been there, and he was pretty shitty as a dad. I never spoke to or seen him. But, let me tell you something people; it’s ok. Not ok that he did that shit! But it’s ok, because I’m ok. I’m doing great actually! Big black god energy in the flesh (feel me!?)

The irony is, that all those years I spent hating him, I never knew him. So let me tell you the story of how mending a broken relationship with my old man was one of the best things I’ve ever done.

I’m one of those people who can turn directions in their life pretty quickly. I decided I was going plant based one random night on a Monday in 2015, and haven’t looked back since. So when I decided that it was time for my father and myself to have a relationship, it was literally because the wind was blowing east and not west.

He just had hip surgery. Running up and down the courts all those years, took a number on him. He’s a basketball referee, coach, trainer; jack of all trades kind of guy. Or, how I have coined it, moon of all shades!

That was the first time he’d seen me since I'd transformed. What do I mean? My body, my mind, the state of my aura; he’d never seen me like this. This was justified when he said to me, “your energy, your aura; I don’t know. Something about you!”

I could tell he wanted to say something, because it was a lot like looking at a reflection of himself.

Well he did but sheesh..

In a very condescending, self-pitying, self-deprecating statement he said, “I know I haven't been the best dad.” He said something else, but I completely tuned him out. He walked back into the kitchen with a sense of defeat because his statement didn’t get over the way he hoped.

As I approached him with the lightest of steps, I was literally letting go years of anger, hurt, frustration, rage, questions, doubts, and insecurities. I hugged him for the first time that I could remember, I told him it was ok, I was not mad, and that we should move forward. I rolled up my sleeve to show him a tattoo that said “be here now.” It's a mantra, a mission statement in life. A statement that I live by. I can no longer hold on to the feelings of yesterday, and by forgiving him, I ultimately forgave myself. I think both of us benefited from that experience. I’m finding out a lot about myself by talking to him more and more. He’s a jokester, kind of an asshole, and a know-it-all! I definitely see where I get some of my godly characteristics from. At the same time, he likes to help and educate everyone; he wants everyone to feel safe around him.

I asked him about my mother, and was so thankful to find out she wasn’t “out there!” What?! I mean c’mon, who wants to hear that their mom was community goods! After he told me the story of how they met and got married, I can see that he really loved her. He didn’t always do the right thing, but he put over the fact that Karen, my mother, was a good woman. I blamed him for my mother’s drug usage, because he used to sell it. He was very adamant that he never sold or used drugs with her (I don’t consider weed a drug). I hugged him so tight when he told me he wasn’t the source of my mother's drug issues. I was angry at him for so many years because of that, I wanted to kill him(literally) because of that.

Your father is like a mountain with a flag in it, and the son's job is to climb that mountain, and take the flag even further. You as the son, are a living testament to how far that flag goes regardless of the relationship. There is more road behind my father and I than ahead of us, but while we are here, I will take advantage of the time. I’m so glad that we are growing close at this stage of my life. We both can learn from each other. I love you old man!

I am your living testament to your time on this earth (not excluding my little sister or older brother), but I am the closest reincarnated version of you.

Happy Father’s Day everyone!

It’s never too late to mend a broken relationship..

“Come and learn how to grow something.”

-Jahkor (speaking with his father) From All Day and a Night

Thank you to my beloved cousin and editor: Zakia Champan ❤️