Break Through

Dear Papaw,

I've had sort of a breakthrough with my grief. I posted something very personal and open about you and how wounded and hurt I was feeling at the moment and I got a message from a family member where essentially, she said that it's okay to move on from the death of a loved one. I get that now, but before I was so on the defensive, in my head it sounded like she was somehow just artistically saying to pretty much get over it. So I was pissed off and upset and went to my husband about it and he so kindly broke it down for me. And I kinda had a realization that yeah, it's okay to start getting better, and that by getting better doesn't mean I'm forgetting you. I still think that nobody understands how I'm feeling towards all of it, but that's okay and nobody has to. I need to stop being so offended when someone says they like the month of June, when for me, that was the hardest month I've ever had to go through and will never look at it the same way again. Or when how I talk about you and whoever I'm talking to seems perfectly fine that you're gone - just completely unaffected...

Papaw, I will never forget you or your voice or your laugh. You will always be so near and dear to my heart, soul, and mind. I love you so much and I still miss you unbearably. I'm just learning how to deal without you here in my life. I won't pretend I'm okay when I'm really not, but I promise that I'm really, really going to try this time. I'm not over your death, and I know I won't be any time soon. But I also know in my heart that wallowing in this grief and choosing to stay upset and sad is just ripping the wound open that's trying to heal... It's not helping me and it's not healthy.

The idea of "moving on" is so hurtful to me somehow because, in my head, I view that as forgetting you. Forgetting and moving on with my life... but that's not how it works and I can't think that way. Moving on doesn't mean I'm forgetting you. Moving on means I get to take these memories of you with me. I get to remember that laugh and your goofy jokes and stories. I get to tell my husband and maybe my future kids I'll have on day. That sting of pain will be there, but the memories outweigh the hurt. I realize and know this now. So after a year of your passing away, imagining you in heaven with Jesus and all of your friends and your family... imagining you gardening, planting more tomatoes, playing with my dog Tiffany who I had to put down several years ago... passing all of your farming and gardening knowledge down to the apostles... those thoughts are what get me by, as cheesy as it is.

So here I am! Finally able to say that I'm okay. I'm doing okay and I can only get better from here. I know in my heart that you would be proud of me and would continue to push me to be better and become more knowledgeable. I think about you every day, and I miss you so much.

When peace like a river, attendeth my way, when sorrows like sea billows roll, whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say it is well, it is well, with my soul.