Blank mind

Doctors appointment

Nicola was upset. Her mother Pauline too. Pauline did not think what she had done was that bad. Both were sitting in the doctor’s office..

Pauline got lost today, so did her handbag with a $20 000 check in it. It was funny because she thought she had forgotten the handbag on a bench in the park, so she went back there but it turned out to be a completely different park on the other side of the town. She had a long healthy walk though. A person who exercises that much is unlikely to become ill. Oh well, here they are. The good thing is they found the handbag and could redeem the check from the insurance company! The bag had been sitting on the bus she had been taking, and the bus company had called the bank, which then called Nicola to pick it up from the lost and found station.

Nicola sadly looked at her mother. She did not seem to have a care in the world writing in her little black notebook.

“Mom.”. Pauline continued to ignore her. “MOM!” Nicola prompting Pauline to look up. “What is it dear?”. “Did you hear what the doctor just said?”, she asked.

Pauline looked from Nicola to the doctor. “Oh…yes, shoot! I am all ears.” Nicola sighed and gave the doctor an encouraging look. “Sorry.”, she muttered underneath her breath.

“Alright, so I will explain everything that is going to happen.” The doctor said friendly and confidently.

“Your mother has Alzheimer’s disease, a form of dementia. Soon, if not already, her memory, particularly her short-term memory will fade. She will start regressing. You might even see her develop habits she has never displayed before. These could be habits from long before your time or even new ones. She could start declining food simply because she might forget how to eat and what food is, but also because of a loss of smell and taste. I will give you a list on how to encourage a person with dementia to eat. She might start urinating or defecating without warning. This happens when the brain stops sending its signals to the nerves.”

Nicola was nodding from time to time, qicklly tried to make notes on a piece of paper, trying to catch up on everything the doctor just explained. There was so much to do.

“You need to brace yourself, that she might forget who some people are.”, the Doctor explained.

“You mean she could forget who I am?”, Nicola shaking her head, but the doctor confirming with a slight nod.

Lost

“Wrong family” Pauline titled the new page she was writing on. She loved writing and had done it since she was able to do so.

I was invited to my grandson’s birthday today. I only had pink wrapping paper, but he surely was fine with that. 39 Donns’ street. That was the address they gave me I swear. So I was ringing the bell and a little boy I have never seen before answered the door. I heard his father approaching. I had already entered the hallway and handed him the present. He looked so similar to Jack. I said Happy Birthday to him and gave him a kiss on his cheek. The father and mother gasped and tore the little boy away from me. I thought they were going to say that I am crazy but somehow, they were not angry. I then realised I was in the wrong house with the wrong bloody family! What was I supposed to do now? They asked me where I was supposed to be going but I couldn’t remember. All that stress! They asked me where I was living but I didn’t know. They then called the police and I had to wait in the sitting room to be handcuffed. Actually, they did not really handcuff me in the end. My daughter turned up too, who explained everything to the police. I heard them whispering in the corner. I swear they were talking about me. She took me by the hand to the house next door. It was only next door! Can you believe that?

What is that?

Nicola decided it was best for Pauline to move to her house. She was not capable of looking after herself any longer.

“That is not my house!”, Pauline yelled. “Mom, I had to move you in with me! You remember what happened to Georgie?”

“Where is my Georgie? Georgie? Sweet kitty, where are you?”

“He is dead mom… you forgot to feed him!”

Nicola and Grace were setting the dining table in the living room. Luckily, Nicola earned enough money and Pauline had enough savings to employ a day carer for her. “Who are you?”, Pauline asked for the 10th time today. “I am Grace. Your Carer.”

Pauline stared at her food in front of her. The Doctor explained how she would not be able to eat by herself any longer. She took the fork and poked the potatoes. Nicola held her breath. Pauline then put the fork down and stared out of the window.

“Aren’t you going to eat mom?”, she asked her mother.

“I don’t know what I am supposed to do with that.”, pointing at the knife and fork.

Grace picked up the fork, put some potatoes on it and held it in front of her. “You need to open your mouth, Pauline”.

Pauline closed her lips even firmer.

She stood up and excused herself. “I need to use the bathroom”. She walked out of the door into the garden. Nicola carefully watched as she went upstairs into the bedroom. Her pace was getting faster as she kept looking for the bathroom. Grace stood up. “I will show her the way”. In this moment Pauline burst into the room. “I can’t find the bloody bathroom!”, a wet patch was forming on her pants. “It is just down the hall mom!” Nicola shouts in despair and points to a door at the end of the corridor.

Pauline rushed towards the door but then took a left turn and ran into the kitchen, where she started pulling down her trousers and placing a chair close to the sink. “This bloody toilet is way too high up.”, she mumbles.

Grace quickly came to her aid and guided her into the bathroom. When both came back, she said the worst thing Nicola could have ever imagined. “She will start needing incontinence products”.

Who are you?

Dear Nicola, I can feel something is wrong. I promise deep inside I will never forget you. You are my daughter and I love you so much! I don’t want to hurt you. Please forgive me if I ever do.

Nicola came home from her grocery shopping. Once she put everything on the counter, she turned around to turn on the kettle for a cup of tea, when something struck her head. She fell onto the floor, holding her head and stared up to her mother.

Pauline was screaming “Get out of my house! Who are you? Do you want my money?”

“Mom! Mom, it is me! Your daughter”.

Pauline slowly let the wooden spoon she was holding sink next to her hip. Then a sign of recognition showed in her eyes. “Nicola? Oh my goodness I am so sorry!”

Nicola slowly stood up, rubbing the back of her head. “It is okay Mom.” She was close to tears. Her own mother was forgetting her. Soon she will be nothing but a faded memory, lost in the fog of her mother’s brain.

The concert

Nicola and Pauline were sitting on the bus on the way to another doctor’s appointment. Pauline sat looking disinterested until a man entered the bus who gained her attention. She slowly stood up, looking excited. “Oh my god! Look who it is Nicola!”. “Who?” She asked, trying to hold her mothers hand and tried to encourage her to sit back down.

Pauline ignored her and walked over to a man standing close to the bus driver.

“Excuse me Sir! But shouldn’t you be at your own concert?” She said and winked. The man looked at her completely blank. “Mr. Mercury. What a pleasure to finally meet you! I am your biggest fan.” She said and giggled.

Nicola never heard a giggle like that escaping her mother’s mouth before

“Oh my god” she whispered to herself and quickly stood up. “Mom, this is NOT Freddie Mercury! You are just approaching a gentlemen you have never met before.”

“Oh dear, I am so sorry. I must have mistaken you for Freddie. We will see him in a bit anyway wont we Nicola?”

“Ehm, mom, where do you think we are going?” Nicola asked.

“Well to the Queen concert Darling!”, she said excited and started dancing around the bus. “Don’t stop me now”, she sang on top of her voice.

Blank page

My brain feels so empty. My body is empty. I feel like a blank page. Can I rewrite myself? I know I used to have a daughter, a life, there was someone special in my life. Whoever it was I am sorry. Please can you forgive me? The colours fade so does my memory. So many people are always around me. People I used to know. That is what they say. They tell me to eat. What is eating anyway? They tell me to sleep, but I am wandering and wandering and wandering around. I feel so restless and yet so tired. I have to fold the laundry all the time. They always tell me there is nothing to fold. They don’t understand what I am doing.

In the bathroom, or what I am told is the bathroom, someone else is always there, staring back at me. This woman is doing the same thing as I do. She is a copycat. I hate her. She is such a b****. Always watching, looking arrogant. I smashed her face. Again, I had to go to the doctor because my hand was bleeding. I did not even realise until later. I am scared.

Until death to us part

Nicola was devastated by the fact her mother kept forgetting her. Thankfully, she had Grace who looked after her. Grace was very compassionate and caring and she could have not wished for a better care giver. Soon Pauline was not able to walk anymore and needed to be nursed in bed. They made sure she was comfortable as her body kept declining.

They fed her pureed food and thickened drinks to allow an easy swallowing.

She might have not been herself anymore but what she kept writing until the day she couldn’t even hold a pen anymore.

Blank mind

I think this is my last moment of clarity and I am going to use it to write my last entry. I am in bed. I can’t move and I feel like a burden. I hate being like this. I hate when the people I used to know come and see me like this. I believe this is goodbye, I believe I had a good life, I believe I was a good person and there are still good people out there. I can’t feel any pain. The worst thing would be dying in pain. Thank God for the life I had, for the steps I took, for the adventures I had. Thanks for the family I had and the people I met. My memory will be erased sooner than later, my mind is becoming blank but my heart is still pounding. My body might go to waste but my soul is still wandering until it will find closure. I am still Pauline and I love you all.