Being Transgender and Wanting a Child

Disclaimer - These are my views and opinions and do not reflect anyone else's.

So a bit of a backstory about me, I'm 18, and I'm a man. A transgender man. This means that I was assigned female at birth. Around the age of nine, I realised I wasn't female and I was actually male. I didn't come out until I was 14, but that is a completely different story.

I've been living as a man for almost five years. And the main thing people seem to be interested in (other than which bathroom I use) is what I'm going to do when I eventually decide to have children (I do want my own children, but if you don't, then that is completely valid! It's your life at the end of the day!). Oh, and of course, there's the awkward niggle that I'm gay too.

Obviously, there are many different ways to have children, like adoption, surrogacy, fostering or the good old "throw your legs in the air and scream for god while your unmentionables feel like they're being ripped apart" (unless there's a c-section, of course!). And so, while I'm here, sat in my bedroom listening to a remix of the ghostbusters theme song. I'm going to talk you through my decision-making process.

Adoption/Fostering

Adoption was my first choice, it's one many transgender or gay couples go down. One of my oldest friends was adopted from birth. He's an amazing friend, so my confidence was high. Fostering wasn't my favourite idea... but it was something I was ready to consider. After-all every child needs a home, and if that gives me the ability to have my own family, then, of course, I would. But then an issue came about. My partner doesn't want to adopt or foster. Not the first time anyway.

This, of course, is entirely valid. And I can understand that he would want to see his own genetics in his child. This is what leads us to the next option.

Surrogacy

To be totally honest, surrogacy isn't entirely off the table yet. It's one that I'm considering for either a future child or if I turn out to be infertile and unable to have my own children. It's one that I would definitely fall back on. If I was to choose surrogacy, it would mean that I would be able to go through HRT (Hormone Replacement Therapy) without the worry of having to come off of it to have a child. I would be able to feel less guilty should I decide to get surgery.

I decided this wasn't for me, though. I researched the topic, and while the child would be fine. I don't think I could make someone go through that. Have them carry my child for nine months and then them be forced to give up the child they grew. And while plenty of women have done this (if that is you, then I commend you immensely), I don't think I would be able to get that off my personal conscience. But... if I had no other option. I would ask someone to be my surrogate. It would probably be someone I knew anyway, someone that would still be able to see the child.

Pregnancy

While controversial for someone like me... and pushing away the knowledge of the soul-crushing gender dysphoria that is likely to come with it. This is the path I have decided on. Although if my partner thinks I'm going through it more than once, he has another thing coming.

I know that pregnancy and birth are widely thought to be something that a woman does. In reality, people of all genders have been giving birth across the globe for many years. Medicine is on the cusp of providing a transgender woman with the possibility to carry their child with a transplanted uterus. And there have already been cases of cisgender women (women who were assigned female at birth and do not want to identify differently) giving birth with a transplanted uterus. Honestly, once I'm done with mine, I would happily donate it!

And yes, for now, most transgender people giving birth are those born with a uterus. But that does not make them a woman.

The majority of the terminology surrounding pregnancy is highly gendered. Like "maternity ward", "maternity leave", and "woman's health". This, along with the assumption that any person walking past who is pregnant is automatically a woman, can cause significant hurt about a pregnant person who is not a woman.

I already have to deal with doctors and family members referring to me as "she" or "her". I swear I spend more of my time correcting people than actually talking to them. Pregnant transgender men have been turned away by hospitals and denied care by nurses.

I've finally gotten used to using men's bathrooms. So why would I risk all of that? Because I want a child of my own. And I'm lucky enough to be in a relationship with someone that I could imagine raising a child with.

Anyone should be given the ability to have a child. I'm lucky I was born with that ability, and I'm happy with my choice to follow through on that. It will be a dangerous road for my own mental health. But I know that I will have something that will have been worth it all at the end of that - a family.

And so, whether your family is all human, part dog, cat or parakeet. Let's make this a world where a person can have a child, however and whenever, if they should wish.