Because of you

I will not make the same mistakes that you did because I will not let myself as my heart has had so much misery before you came along; now that I’m tough enough to stand my ground no matter how much you try to split me, my soul and my man up. I will not break to satisfy you nor anyone else to get what I want; you fell so hard, scream, shout and everything when you get told “no”. I learned the hard way of working towards something I want in life; if I never let it get this far screaming, demanding and everything else just because everyone would give it to you straight away.

Because of you I would never stray too far from the footpath; because of you I’ve learned more to play it on the safe side so I don’t want to get hurt, the fact is I find it hard to trust myself but it’s not only just me it’s everyone around me because of you I am afraid. I wouldn’t lose my way in front of you but it’s not too long before you point it that I cannot cry along with me saying it as it; I know full well it’s my strength in my eyes but you’re weakness in your eyes, I’m forced to fake a smile, a laugh and more importantly to fake that I like you everyday of my life. Just warning you now my heart can’t possibly break as it wasn’t even whole to start with.

I lose my way every so often and it’s not too long before you point it out that I cannot cry but you don’t know my story or my past and I know that weakness in your eyes to guilt tick me into feeling sorry for you. However I’m forced to fake a smile and laugh everyday of my life; my heart can’t possibly break when it wasn’t even whole to start with, over the years I’ve learned never stray off the path because of you I use my weakness that I’ve learned to play it on the safe side so I don’t get hurt. I find it hard to trust you it’s not only me but everyone around me can’t trust because of you making it out you’re the victim.

I am afraid to play the victim card around you or anyone else because I’ll get it judged that it’s not all about me was been effected. I watched you die. I heard you cry every night in your sleep. I was so young you should of known better than to lean on me. You never thought of anyone else but yourself. You just saw your pain and that’s it. What about everyone’s pain and anxiety? Now that I cry in the middle of the night for exact same damn thing.

Because of you I never strayed off the path as I’ve learned to play on the safe side so I don’t get hurt. I’ve tried my hardest just to forget everything yet you remind me off everything because of you I’m ashamed of my life because it’s empty I am afraid because of you. All my life that I’ve been waiting for you to let everything go and give me grace to let me have a fairytale of my own but whenever my depression or anxiety kicks in it feels like living in a fantasy without meaning so it’s not okay I don’t feel safe.

If you truly knew how it feels left broken and empty in despair trying to catch a breath but can’t find air; then you’re not sent from up above, you will never have my time or a relationship because you have thrown it all the way and all that I have so much to say. Tell me or help me find away. I wonder if you truly know how it really feels to be left outside alone when it’s cold out here because of you I’m still an outcast. Well maybe you should know how it feels to be left outside alone; I’ll tell you something right now all I’ve been waiting for a fairytale to come my way for once in my life as I’ve been living in a fantasy without any meaning of true love, it’s not okay I don’t feel safe at all and I need to pray.

Because of you I have to play you’re silly little games; I’m always going to be one of your people who gets the blame, careless, helpless little woman that you are. Someday you might understand that there’s not much more to say but I hope you find away before it’s too late and be left outside in the cold.