Hurt

Seems like it was yesterday when I saw your face it’s been so long since I’ve heard you’re voice, sense of smell, you’re touch and everything else about you. You told me how proud you were but I just walked away like if only I knew what I knew today; I would hold you in my arms just to get a hug once last time, I would so take the pain away weather your in a war zone or due to this cronoavirus or whatever is causing you pain right now. Thank you for all you’ve done. I wish you could hear me saying that I forgive you for all your mistakes.

There’s nothing I wouldn’t do just to hear your voice once again but there was times that I just want to call you but I know that you won’t be there. I’m sorry for blaming you for everything I just couldn’t do and I’m hurting myself by hurting you.

Some days I feel broken inside but I won’t admit just like you I guess that we’re so alike; people don’t understand why it’s so hard to say goodbye when it’s comes to this, would you tell me that I was wrong? Would you help me to understand? I hope you’re looking down upon me? I’m just wondering are you proud of me of whom I am today?

There’s nothing I wouldn’t do just to have one more chance to look into your eyes and see you looking back. I’m so sorry for blaming you for everything I just couldn’t do and I hurt myself the more I miss you everyday since you’ve been away. If I could have just one more day before you left to fix everything right. I know it was dangerous. It was so out of line on my part but if I could try and turn back time I so would.

If you could hear me where ever you are in the world, heaven or recanted into something else please hear my cries. I’m so sorry for blaming you for everything I just couldn’t live without; I’ve hurt myself by hurting you for screaming and shouting at you for leaving me once again, I know it’s going to be tough but the whole isn’t going to be filled as it’s meant to be for you.

I can honestly say that you’ve been on my mind a lot recently since I’ve been so low; more so since I woke up today, I looked at our father daughter photograph all the time that sits on my bed side table and all of these memories come flooding back to life and I really don’t mind. Today I woke up this morning and played our song for comfort when I’m feeling alone and down. I catch myself singing along through the tears; I pick up the phone hoping I could hear your voice once more, I have to fight the urge to ring or video call you to which I through my phone across the room.

Mother, sister, brother, boyfriend, girlfriend, husband or wife coming running in cuddling me in the corner because I know that I’m wasting my time trying to ring you as I know that it’s wasting my time. I know that you’re not going to be there on the other end of the phone to reassure me that everything is going to be fine.

I remember the simple things until I start to cry once more as I reminisced the fun memories; the one memory I wish I’d forget is the memory that I would like to forget, suddenly me mobile blows up today, up today with your ring tone. “It’s your father on the phone and oh boy he is p**** try and talk yourself out of this one.”

I hesitate but answered it anyway but you sounded so alone and sad but I was surprised to hear from you one last time; there was no music, no voices in the background, everything was so quiet for once and that scared me the most. Is it a dream or is it real life? We talked until we cry. You always told me that I was your little girl no matter what. You always told me that your biggest regret and the only one thing that you wished I’d forget. Is saying goodbye.