The plight of a barren woman. Its very hard to fit. What is the first question people ask, how many children do you have? It has been hard to fit being motherless. For many years they were spent on just trying to have a baby. I attended some baby showers and than felt again the pain of not fitting in. Being a motherless women in that since. I think one of the biggest times the Beauty and The Beast feeling took over. It was not that I was trying to fit in but when I hung out with my husband and his son I just pretended to be his Mom. If the son had not cleared it up well I would have fit in I was pretending to be a Mom. Being a stepmother is different with my 2nd husband was easier. I was out one day with my Sister and her that day her husband, she had just found out she was pregnant. Again, I did not fit in because my 2nd husband of over 10 years tells everybody at the restaurant table I could have kids. I was total outcast, I felt shocked. I think the fact that I was married three times it makes people wonder. Why does she not have kids? Believe me all efforts were put forth. I got into a lot of trouble in my life when I found my 3rd husband. The problem of not fitting in but thinking now I will fit in. I will marry my 3rd love and 3rd husband. He was suppose to be my first husband. Ok thats it a women being left at the Altar after the invitations went out. She really never really fits in after that. Not mentally can she imagine proper love. The infertility and all the ideals that made me not just fit in. When you know in your heart every step of the way. The problem came when men decided the Beast of the race to involve themselves with the under developed beauty. She may be damaged and left in a space only she can trace. But the good thing about all of this. My 2nd and 3rd husband both have a girl and a boy. And my first husband had zero children. I must now try to fit in with life after menopause. The nurturing effect of motherhood from observation and the extent of time the mother has to spend with the child proved to me that it is something different. I still find it hard to fit in. I have two stepchildren I met only once in 13years. Two step grandchildren I have never met. Both the names of my 2nd and 3rd husbands has been preserved. My special bond has been with my nieces and nephews. I have so many I cannot number. I have many great grand sons and great grand daughters. So many to love and to hold. The difference for me I never had to take a child home and hold a raise as there only caretaker. So I look to my Maker and say thank you for taking care of Me. Beauty is only skin deep because young girls get pained, raped and suffocated. You never know what happened to a Barren Women. Most are not born that way.
I want to fit in!
As I meditate on fitting in I remember once I was at a baby shower signing to the mother to be. After all looked at me and said why don’t you have children? I did not fit in again, but I remained strong. I just looked up and said on nothing just "Rape".
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My Piano
When I was a little girl only 12 or so one day I came home and my parents bought and organ, the type with many instruments. I was one of six but a very quiet person. But for hours I played that organ, and I taught myself to play and read music. I played for hours at at time. One day the person who lived next door came over and ask my mom, who is the concert pianist. It was me! But it started earlier than that when I was a 3 or four my mom had a piano in the house. I would play for hours playing that piano. My baby brother was born, and he played the piano with me. He is still an entertainment to this day. Something happened when I was 12. One day I came home, and the organ was gone. I was only 12 I did understand why it would be gone. I later found out later that it was returned to the maker for nonpayment. Then I became an adult and I said I must find my joy a piano, so I saved all my money and then I bought my own piano. It was so beautiful. I would play for hours at a time. Then one summer I met my second husband and we moved, and many changes happen. You guessed I had to sell the piano however, I was so happy because that piano went to a little girl. I know you wondering let me set your mind at ease in high school I had a private male of course Piano teacher, his name was Roger Spot and he is dead now. He was unique because not only could he play, but he also played with some of the greats. Roger was like a father figure; he had no eyebrows he had a hairless face. The next piano was interested because that one I gave away I bought from the father of a Piano company; he was dead. His Son in Los Angeles sold me the most beautiful Piano for only 900 and it was fully tuned. It was a strange time, but I would play for hours and soon after I got it my stepdaughter came and I met her for the first time. I wrote her a song on my new piano. The birds would sing with me daily as I played my instrument.
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