As She'll Ever Be

"She'll never be this little again" I remind myself as I stare into her captivating hazel eyes so full of wonder. She wrinkles up her nose and gives me a goofy two-toothed grin as if we are in on a juicy secret. I watch as she lifts her body from a deep squat to standing position with her strong perfectly rolled thighs. I admire her tiny stubby toes and chubby crinkled knees, knowing both will change ever so quickly. She is our third, our littlest, our last. I've watched her siblings turn from babies to children right before my eyes and am painfully aware of what it means for time to fly. I try to savor each moment, try to will time to slow down... but try as I might, the world keeps spinning. With each waking moment, she grows and changes. As I watch her toddle across my floor and grow in confidence with each step, all I can see is how big she's gotten. As she approaches her first lap around the sun, I try to remember just how little she truly is.

Her long, golden brown hair falls across her perfectly freckled cheek, as she rests her head on my shoulder. She looks up at me with her squinty eyes dressed in naturally lengthy lashes that every girl dreams of. Her smile upturned and sweet, full of mismatch teeth, some big, some little, as her permanent ones fill in gaps and replace the baby teeth before them. My oldest, nearly 9 years years of age, the girl who made me a mom. Creative, adventurous, thoughtful, and sensitive. She makes me proud with each passing moment. Challenges lie ahead at the brink of adolescence as she continues to grow into who she was made to be. As she looks up at me, I wish I could freeze time, in this short chapter where she teeters between reliance and independence. This time when she still wants to snuggle, while she wants to be just like me, and is eager to spend time together. For I know all too well, she's as little now, as she'll ever be.

Her silver hair shines in the sunlight, creating a stunning contrast with the brilliant dark strands that lie underneath. Her smile as big and bright as the sun in the sky as she pushes her grandson on the swing. Her big brown eyes are full of wisdom and experience, both of which she freely shares. Years of laughter, tears, joys, and stresses compile on the canvas of her face...each line a piece of her story. My mother, my friend: a woman who has taught me so much and continues to everyday. Though, it may appear I don't need her as much as I once did, that couldn't be further from the truth. As I gaze upon this beautiful soul who embodies strength and grace and so many things I aspire to be, it occurs to me, "She will never be as young as she is now". If I could will her to live forever... If I could pause this period of time while she is thriving both mentally and physically... If I could stop her from growing old like her mother did before her... in a heartbeat, I would.

but...

The cruel clock of time ticks on.

My babies grow into children, children into adults, parents into grandparents, and so forth.

It's beautiful and heartbreaking all at once. So for now, I breathe it in, thanking God for these little moments, knowing:

She's as young now as she'll ever be.