Are Your Kids A$$holes?

If you’re a parent, I’m sure you know all about how kids can be straight out a$$holes. Don’t get me wrong I love my kids to death, but why do they have to be such jerks.

Let’s start off with cleaning, or lack there of I should say. How can a room go from, ahh it’s finally clean in here, to oh my god who let the kidnados (kid tornados) out again? It happens in a matter of minutes. What goes on here? I imagine it probably goes something like this, “come on guys let’s get as many toys as we can and just toss them all over the living room. Then play with them for 5 minutes and runoff.”

God forbid they actually clean up after themselves. When you do ask them to pick up their toys it’s the end of the world, and why do we always have to do everything. They also always try the same famous excuse, we didn’t make this mess. If by some magical reason you do get them to clean up, a 10 minute job turns in to a 30 minute one. That’s when they decide they want to play with those toys again. You know the ones they didn’t make the mess with. I can’t even begin to talk about their rooms, because that is most definitely a lost cause. I gave up on that a long time ago. If you go in there and can’t find your way out that’s not my fault.

Now it’s time for bed. You think it would go, ok guys brush your teeth and go to bed, good night, I love you. Nope, and I mean nope!! It’s a whole routine. First they brush their teeth, and that somehow takes 15 minutes. Plus I’m guessing they think the sink also needs to brush it’s teeth, because they get it everywhere. So many casualties in the bathroom from the toothpaste, including the mirror, the toilet paper, the floor, and somehow even the trashcan. I honestly couldn’t tell you how long a normal family is supposed to have one tube of kids toothpaste, because we’re lucky if we get 2 weeks out of it.

When you do finally get them to lay down, unfortunately they don’t like to stay there. These kids think they need a never ending drink of water, or tell you their own knock knock jokes they obviously just made up to avoid going to sleep.

Knock knock. Who's there? French fry. French fry who? French fry poop. 😒 So hilarious.

My 3-year-old will pull the old Family Guy scene. She yells, mom, over and over again until you come in there. She then proceeds to say, “I have to tell you something very important” ( long pause). “I love you so so much.” She knows how to beat the system. It’s cute and sweet the first couple of times, but 25 times later, it’s not as adorable. You also can’t get mad when you hear I love you, and she knows this. She plays mom and dad like a poker master.

An hour later, you find the sweet 3-year-old causing havoc in the other kid's room, keeping them awake, just playing away with toys like we can’t hear them. After ten attempts to get her to stay in her bed, she might go to sleep—key word there might.
If you think it’s all over by the time you go to bed, it’s not. You’re the lucky winner who gets that same 3-year-old in your bed. Your consultation prize is a pillow hog that steals the blanket. Who loves to put her feet in your face and kick you endlessly all night. Even if you put her back in her bed, she comes back for more kickbox training.

Being a parent also means stuff going to waste, whether it's food, essential items, or pretty much anything in general. My two girls think it's cool to waste paper towels. They secretly rip off an infinite amount to use as barbie blankets and dresses. I don't know how many times I've found the Barbies all lined up tucked cozily in their paper towel beds. I've tried to explain how we can't keep doing this, but do they listen? That's a big fat nope on a rope.

Everyone loves clean clothes. Well, so do my daughters. They like to play fashion shows, unfortunately not with their actual costumes. Both of them change their outfits at least six plus times a day, leaving clothes scattered all over the house. That's when I get to play the guessing game of what's clean or dirty. It almost always turns into me washing even more unnecessary laundry. My son, on the other hand, is the exact opposite. I practically have to beg him to shower and change his clothes. At least he saves on the water bill.

Notebooks, sketch pads, or paper of any kind, you might as well hand it straight over to them. They can smell fresh pieces a mile away. As soon as they find it, it's going to an art session immediately. You then get to enjoy making a list or whatever you need to do on scribbled on paper or a bunch of stick people frolicking in flowers. No piece is safe in this house. The same goes for any writing utensils you have. It would be best if you kissed them goodbye. The pens and markers will never be seen by an adult again. You might as well get used to the broken crayons you find in the couch.

Lipstick, eyeshadow, nail polish, makeup, or anything like that, will never be safe. I suggest locking it up somewhere, never to see the light of day again. Otherwise, it will end up everywhere on your kids, the floor, their clothes, your bed, the walls, and the table. I will tell you first-hand nail polish is tough to get off the floor, especially if you don't have fingernail polish remover. Who needs to work out when you get to spend all day scrubbing the floor. The cleaning never stops. If you do stop, it's probably a good idea to call Hoarders. It's your only option.

Time to talk about fighting. Have you ever played the game Street Fighter? If you have, imagine a live-action game happening right in your very own living room. Now there are two forms of fighting. The first one is play fighting, where they kick, hit, punch, or use weapons to attack each other. It's all fun in games until someone gets hit on the head with a lightsaber. The force is strong with this one. It doesn't matter how often you tell them to stop before they get hurt. These monsters will continue until the first tear appears.

The second form is actual fighting. The loud screaming, yelling, name-calling, and real physical violence. The one where the kids intend to hurt each other with words or throwing whatever is in their reach. This fighting can escalate faster than a kid eating a piece of cake, and for the dumbest reasons. Sometimes I'm pretty sure there isn't a reason at all. It's like they get bored and decide to argue about who has the coolest toenail.

This fighting also takes place when you're on the phone. It's the calm before the storm. The kids are quiet and content, so you decide to take the opportunity to make your call. That's when all hell breaks loose. You end up spending more time telling the kids to chill out and stop fighting instead of getting to speak to the person on the phone. I'm not going to lie; this drives me crazy. With kids around, there is no quiet place to hide, not even the bathroom.

All in all, I don't think my kids are a$$holes, sometimes they just act like they are. I know my kids are kids; that's what they do. They don't like to listen, clean, or stay out of your stuff. I realize it won't be like this forever, I hope. So, I'll continue to enjoy my time with them and cherish all sweet moments as long as I can.