October 7th, 2020
It is about midweek and this week has already been way too much to handle. My brother had some sort of anxiety break down and we barely came to find out in the harshest way. Thank God, he is okay and has his head on straight (for the most part) but he gave us all a scare regardless. That scare manifested in me emotionally, it was the tear shed of 2020. I cried my eyes out all of Monday evening because I could not believe my brother would joke with his life. I was so hurt and disappointed at the same time. But maybe this is God’s way of just bringing us closer together and making us conscious of things we would have otherwise never been. Either way my family now knows I care more than they think and that I love them always.
Although things might have been spun into motion by a tasteless fight and troubled relationship, I was able to have a deeper conversation with my brother and understand that he’s struggling but he is not underwater yet. He apologized for scaring us and he understood that he needs to communicate with me through everything. Siblings are for life, through thick and thin. If he did not know he now knows I am here for him always and forever will be. Growing older has made me realize how important family is, and regardless of us all having individual goals, we want to stay united through the distance and turbulence. Also, we’re getting a tattoo in December all together.
Another thing that has been going on is my raging bitch of a buddy called jealousy. I don’t even know why she comes back, like in life I have never hated anyone or anything, but I hate jealousy. It’s so annoying trying to fight your own thoughts against stupid feelings like that. Especially when you’re a firm believer in letting your emotions flow, and that just so happens to be one of the emotions flowing. Why do I get jealous? Well it’s stupid, I’m not use to seeing Chris around other girls and any time I catch him laughing with any other girl but me it makes the pit of my stomach feel funny. But I’m not about to run at him and tell him to stop laughing and being happy. It is just a feeling I am not used to trying to fight in my own brain. I trust Chris and actually I know that he loves me so I don’t even know why I react that way, I guess my trust issues run deep, to the bone.
Recently though I have no trouble feeling loved. I think Chris realized just how hurt I was this week and mended to my needs and is letting me just be me. He’s letting me heal in ways I need to on my own. He is allowing me to grow as a independent person and is still there for me at the end of the night to hold me as I sleep and process my day. There is no reason for me to not trust my guy. It is a little crazy though that regardless of the things I have gone through that have caused my trust to dwindle, I am still able to trust Chris more freely than most. There is still a lot of little things I clearly have to work through. Chris is just the purest, caring person. Yes, he has flaws like every other person in this world, but he believes in not giving any reasons to doubt and I am lucky for that.
About the Creator
Melanie Guajardo
Just a 26 yr old with an active imagination & a lust for life. Follow me @melaniegyo on IG
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