Adventures In Parenting

Single Parenting

How did I get there? Well, at a young age, not to toot my own horn, I was pretty lucky when it came to the ladies. Sometimes too lucky. Then, my childhood sweetheart took an interest. We'd grown up living across the street from each other for 8 years. Suddenly, after a couple of failed attempts, she started hitting on me! I put it that way because it came as quite a shock.

That first year was like the fourth of July every day. There were always fireworks. We had chemistry and couldn't keep our hands off of each other. Then, teenage pregnancy caught us by surprise. Fast forward a couple of years and a wedding later and an even bigger surprise happened. She was leaving me, after convincing me to marry her, and had never been invested in our little family. She uttered the words, "I just used you to get away from my parents." When she left, she didn't take anything with her. All I could think was, "What the hell is going on?"

Six months later I was a divorced 22-year-old with an almost 3yr old son. Scary, right. Looking back on it now, I'm not sure what I'd change if I could. Perhaps, my vocation. Since changing careers, midlife, I'm told by my son that I've become a better person. I'm more human now. Somehow, through some trial and error, and some teenage toils and troubles, I wound up with a kid that's at heart a good man as we sit here almost 27 years later.

It was the lessons of my parents, and of my grandparents, and some blind luck that made the story less of a tragedy and more of a success. And while I don't recommend single-parent life to anyone, parenting is something that even as he turns 30 next month, I'm still learning about. So, never stop learning who you are if you're going to have children. It'll help you when they're adults and need your counsel, your guidance, your wisdom, and a helping hand.

My Greatest Lesson

Parenting... It doesn't stop at childhood. That just isn't how the world works. My parents and my grandparents showed me that fact of life. Our greatest gifts in the world are our children, but no matter what they're going to need you well past the age of majority, whether that's 18, 21, or get's higher over time. They grow up under our roofs and we try to do the best we can to prepare them for the world, but what do we know?

My son said something that both amazed and bewildered me.

"I've been needing those fatherly pearls of wisdom, dad," he told me in the midst of a discussion.

He's thirty almost, and by all accounts doing o.k... most of the time. But, I think the generation is all struggling more than they let on. He tries to be tough, tries to take the world on his shoulder, and tries not to burden anyone. Meanwhile, now that he's starting into a family life of his own, I sometimes long for the days he needed me.

So there I was, taking my greatest lesson, bestowed onto me by two generations of elders in my family. No matter the age, we need our parents, if for no greater purpose, the wisdom of our elders. We stumbled in life, and they were there for us to give advice, a little cash starting out, or perhaps a well-needed hug and some reassurance that we were doing right in the world. So, being there for them isn't something you escape when they fly the nest.

Listening

Engaging with your children when they are adults is maybe the most important thing that you can do. I can't recall how many times I've wished that my parents were still around to talk to. At 38 I became a quasi-patriarchial figure in my family. I was simply the one that had my life "together" and could help when someone needed comfort, advice, or just an ear. Jesus did I ever fool them. I was still lost, dealing with trauma, and then grieving my parents who died just 3 years apart.

Now, just 11 years later, I'm finally becoming that guy and it's good that I have because of the world we live in. Nobody could have prepared kids for adulthood living in this world. Living with a girl for the first time, Covid-19, lockdowns, the ups and downs of the American Economy, US Politics, and friends that are murdered. This isn't the world any of us imagined in the 90s when they were babies.

They sometimes feel like the more coddled generation. But, my son is no example of that. He's made a career for himself. He's struggled with his demons and is surviving. He's got a better heart than I ever had. Throughout the worst of the Covid Pandemic, he moved in with the love of his life and has taken to help raise her son. It's been an incredible time for us all, but we've managed to somehow come through the nearly two years the world has been spiraling.

Sacrifice

I always knew my parents sacrificed for us as kids, and even into adulthood. Some of my parents' way of thinking was unhealthy, but now, as I look at the things I do, I understand. No parent wants to see their kids hurting, struggling, or needing. That's not something that stops when they leave home. Children are both a blessing and sometimes a curse. I keep saying that one day, I'll stop worrying and rest easy. I don't really think that it's true, at least not that I'll be able to stop worrying and rest easy while I'm still alive.

Committing to a child is the longest of commitments. I've seen people as they hit middle age and they sometimes forget that commitment as they look at their kids. Our kids make choices, some of them disagreeable at times. Parents in their middle-aged years should remember when they were younger. I bet we made choices that put those gray hairs on our parents. Did they ever give up on us? Hopefully, your answer is no.

Grandparenting

Eventually, parenting continues, and you're wearing two hats. You've now entered grandparenting. That second generation beneath yours is here. It is an odd feeling. On the one hand, you may feel old because of it. On the other, it may breathe new life into your world. This happened in April of last year when my son moved in with his girlfriend. Suddenly, and with almost no warning, there was a young one around. Part of me wanted to scream that they'd never introduced us before moving in together. Was he going to like me? What would our interactions be like?

The speech... I remember listening to this big Q and A from his mother. How did I feel about this, how did I feel about that? How was I supposed to feel? I didn't really know. It seemed like a big production for a kid I hadn't met yet. I had only had one child, and of course, the three or four runarounds that were always there. Was I still going to be any good with little kids? Time would tell. But, I knew she loved my son more than I have seen a girl love a guy. That alone was enough for me to support their decision.

Oh, by the way, the kid is amazing. For a kid that hasn't turned four yet, he's got the personality of a comedian, the intelligence of a ten-year-old, and the biggest heart of any of us. Someday, for the rest of the world, it'll be official. In the meantime, I'm Papa J now and couldn't be happier about it.