Abusive parents, and what we get from them

Maybe you have even ended up forgiving them because somehow you excuse everything because they love you…and you know that.

These things shape us in so many ways. My dad has never told he loves me, and knowing that he is gone now, and he will never do that leaves its own scars. Just as the fact that I refused to talk to him in his last days between us.

But you see he has been one of the many parents that abused his own family physically, emotionally, and mentally. Neglect and abuse can come in so many ways, and he has used them almost in totality. Parents tend to mirror their own fears on their loved ones, on our kids. And at times we don’t even realise it.

What do they do?

They always have the excuse of being a parent and knowing better than their kids. Having more life experience and knowledge then kids do. And they keep telling everyone and even themselves that they only wanted the best for their kids. Lack of knowledge and list of deficits. We all have them, but the luck these days is that we have access to more and more information. We just need to learn how to ask for help and realise we need it. You see when pride and addictions get in the way of life and loving your family. The worst comes out in us, and it is reflected in the way we treat everyone around us.

Why they do it?

First, of, I am not making excuses. I do realise there still exist some naturally vie people in the world. But for most people, there is an explanation at least for their behaviour towards their own kids, and family.

Some have been abused themselves in their childhood, and only learned how to show their feelings that way. By yelling, and kicking, breaking things, drinking, abusing substances.

Others have mental health issues that they are too ashamed to ask for help or have never been diagnosed and that is what causes them to explode at times.

And the worst one of them all is cultural education. There still are lots of countries that treat their women, and children as goods for sale, property, not even equal to living stock. And that is the cultural norm that they take away with them, even when they rise above their means, or even move away from the toxic environment.

What they leave us with…

A very expensive need for therapy. And that is saying it nicely. We all have our own baggage, some bigger and scarier the others. But that doesn’t mean we don’t all have them. And the worst ones come from the closest people to us, our family. Scars to our psyche can be with us for life, unlike the physical ones that we can learn at times to live with, and be at peace with. Trauma and PTSD are something that we don’t even realise we have, until one day when out of the blue they can start creeping out, out of nowhere.

How to cope?

This is a hard one. We all cope in our own way. But the best has been by asking for help, by asking to be heard. And leaving all shame, fear, and anger aside. These and many more emotions can cause us not to reach out for help, and that can cause much more serious repercussions then we can imagine. I only wish I would have been able to ask for help, and guidance when I was young.

‘’What doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger.’’-Kelly Clarkson

Tell you what it can do both, or even worse make you do the same to others. So find someone to talk to. Find a way to channel your emotions and get them out. Get a journal, start painting, sing…anything that helps and makes you grow.

What not to do…

Do not give up. Failure is not an option. Not in this case, because you would be failing yourself. Depression and anxiety are on the rise, and we all need to realise, that getting help is a lot easier then we think. And no matter how catastrophic things may feel at times, they all pass. Time heals everything.

I wish I could tell my younger self this, it would have saved me a lot of heart ache, and sleep less nights. I still have moments when I wake up from nightmares of my childhood and need a minute to realise it is in the past. And everything has changed, and not in any way, but for the best.

Hope and persistence help. Surround yourself with people that care, and exclude the ones that don’t, and the ones that hurt you. Healing is a work in process, and I don’t think we can say we are 100% healed at any point. Taking action is what matters.