A Warning Label Would Have Been Nice

Warning: Wannabe Mama's boy looking for a loving, maternal woman to fill the void left by his narcissistic, non-maternal, verbally abusive, and manipulative mother. Will love unconditionally, with his whole heart, but comes with an inexplicable attachment to said mother. And his like-minded father.

Every relationship should come with warning labels. There are innate issues and insecurities within everyone and warning potential partners could help weed out those who aren't worthy of you.

They could also ensure that partners walk in with both eyes wide open, knowing roughly what to expect their lives to be like. Without those warning labels, any potential partner can be slapped with the harshness of reality at any moment. Those reality checks can sometimes make or break a relationship.

Can't believe I let him live this long

My husband and I celebrated our silver anniversary this past March. Twenty-five years together. Two and half decades. Seven kids. Five dogs. Two sets of in-laws, one currently living with us. Too many milestones through the years to mention. Somehow, some way, I let him live through it all.

I joke because I know I'm not the easiest to live with either. Don't tell my hubby I said that. I wouldn't want him to think I've given him the upper hand.

Neither of us are easy to live with but we understand each other in ways no one else can be bothered to try to. No one has ever loved me the way he does, and he says the same about me. It's a win-win situation for both of us, but we have definitely had our difficulties. Not the least of which is his elderly parents now living with us and our family.

Holy high-stress environment, Batman!

Always kiss goodnight

In the past quarter century we've gone to bed angry once. Yes, you heard me right. Once. But, even angry, we gave each other a goodnight kiss and whispered 'I love you' as we settled under the covers.

It wasn't easy to remember how much we loved each other in the heat of anger, but it began the healing process when we did.

I love that about us

We've always had a very strong connection, from the first moment our eyes met across an authentic Irish pub in the suburbs of Toronto, and it's only gotten stronger.

We've weathered the birth of seven children, loss of five miscarriages, my mother's death, unemployment, renovations, and moving house five times. It's been a busy twenty-five years. We seemed to be indestructible.

Until the demons descended upon us

Or, in more friendly terms, when my in-laws moved in with us this past January. Both my father-in-law and mother-in-law are suffering the effects of the early-stages of dementia. They deny it, vehemently, but there's no denying the warning signs.

Well, the warning signs were the 'slow burn' of the condition. It's no longer warning signs. Now it's the screaming bombs thrown at us on a daily basis. Bigger ones from my mother-in-law, who has become more demonic as she's aged, than my father-in-law, who has mellowed over time.

And, let's face it, my mother-in-law didn't have far to go.

Warning: Loving this man comes with enough emotional baggage, and the in-laws who inflicted it, to go on a year-long cruise.

Is this supposed to be a punishment?

My mother-in-law stopped speaking to me last week. She didn't appreciate my efforts to arrange an assessment at the Geriatric Assessment and Intervention Network (GAIN) clinic for her. At her request. Her exact words, dripping with sarcasm and disdain, were

"Good luck getting an appointment in today's world."

My reply, laced with saccharin-sweet duplicity, was

"Don't worry, my dearest monster-in-law, I would do anything for you."

The referral has been sent and the waiting game begins. At least we are on a patient list. That's half the battle, after all.

Not to mention that she asked for one because she was having difficulty remembering things and didn't recognize a picture of a good friend of theirs. Three times, even with prompting.

Yet, she still vehemently objected to the 'dementia' tag we put on her behaviour, memory and mental health issues that have cropped up in the past year or so. Insisting that she was fine and this appointment would just prove that to us. Prove us wrong on her suffering from dementia.

My father-in-law agrees with us, not that he admits that to her. To her, he says how well she's doing and you'd never be able to she was 82-years-old. He's wrong on both counts. And so is she. I'm just looking for strategies, or even medications, that may help us help her to live out the rest of her life in relative peace and happiness.

She thinks we want to put her in a home. Little does she realize that, if I wanted her in a nursing home, she'd already be in one. Family takes care of family, a lesson she somehow missed throughout her life.

I think she was expecting me to be upset when she gave me the silent treatment. As if I was supposed to get all offended and beg her to speak to me. Not sure I should tell her about the happy dance I did when I realized she was freezing me out. It was a great week, let me tell you.

No handmade sweaters or home cooked meals here

Maternal instincts do not run thick in my mother-in-law's blood, and that would be fine if she wasn't nasty along with it. As a full-fledged, card-carrying and oath-taking narcissist, she can be quite the nasty piece of work and has turned that façade to her grandchildren as well as her son.

Growing up, I'd always envied my friends who had the 'tv grandma'. You know, the grandmother who baked with them, cuddled them, read them bedtime stories and knit them sweaters. I never had that.

My one grandmother lived in Northern Manitoba, two full days' drive away. Only met Grandma Ring once, when I was sixteen.

My other grandmother lived on the other side of the city, but we still didn't see her very often. Not that I complained too much about that. I loved my grandmother, but I didn't like her very much. She didn't like me very much, either, so I guess we were even on that score.

All I ever wanted for my children was that 'June Cleaver' grandmother. The one I never had, but my husband kind of did. He has such fond memories of his grandmothers and time spent with them both. As much as it pains me to admit, I've always envied his relationship with his grandmothers. I never really had one with either of mine.

And now my kids have the same legacy. My mother would have been an amazing grandmother to my children, but she passed away six years before my oldest was born. Their remaining grandmothers, my mother-in-law and my stepmother, were failures in their attempts to be loving, attentive grandmothers.

Warning: If seeking loving, caring and sweet grandparents, please look elsewhere. Only disinterested, selfish, caustic and manipulative grandparents available here.

Mandatory warning labels

I used to think the food industry was a little ridiculous at their warning labels and best before date regulations. Now I wish those same regulations were mandatory across the board. Especially when it came to relationships.

A warning label about my in-laws would have saved me unnecessary heartache over the years. I would have been able to prepare myself for the onslaught of negativity and judgement. Once I realized what they were really like, two months into my relationship with their son, it was too late.

He'd stolen my heart and I couldn't imagine my life without him

I was in it to win it by that point. There was no turning back from the future I'd not only envisioned, but wanted with my now-husband. I wanted the three-bedroom, 2-car garage home with 2.4 children, a dog and a two week vacation to the beach every year.

Or whatever version of that we ended up with.

Marrying the whole damn family

Every relationship begins with two people. With the ones who meet, fall in love and decide to build a life together.

The one truth that gets forgotten in the shuffle is that you might fall in love with your spouse, but you marry the family. The WHOLE family.

Whether you want to or not.

Warning: Only children have no siblings to share the care of their elderly parents with. Yes, this DOES MATTER.

In my case, the whole family comprised of my in-laws alone. As an only child, my husband had a small immediate family and an extended family he wasn't extremely close with.

I didn't plan on falling in love the night I met my husband. The thought of finding my happily ever after in that pub never entered my mind.

But I couldn't ignore it when it did happen.

Carousel overflowed with unclaimed baggage

Nor could I ignore the baggage, both emotional and parental, he dragged along with him. And there was a LOT of it.

I had my own baggage to contend with. My own narcissistic and somewhat neglectful father left me my own scars to heal.

Between the two of us, we had work to do to clean up our emotional messes from our upbringing. Who doesn't? Thankfully, we had each other to help us limp our way through the pile of issues and drama.

Together.

Now that 'together' includes his parents living with us, which brings a whole new suitcase to be unpacked and worked through. It's taken us over twenty-five years to get to where we are now. To this place of peace and acceptance of one another that some couples only dream about.

Warning: Their issues become your issues and you'll have to dig deep to overcome their mistreatment of you and your family.

There is no choice in helping them at this stage of their lives. They are in their eighties and have no one else to turn to other than my husband and myself. I can no more turn my back on them now than I could on my husband.

They're family.

Whether I want them to be family or not, they're family. You don't turn your back on family.

That's a lesson we've tried to impart to our children. It's not easy to make them see that their grandparents' vulnerability during the final years of theirs lives means that we need to be the 'bigger person' and help them. Even if we don't want to.

Now, don't get me wrong, if we had the resources, they would NOT be living with us. We would have found an assisted living residence for them. That level of financial freedom is not ours at this point.

So we take care of them.

But, I do wish I'd seen a label warning me about all of this. It may not have changed the outcome, I don't think I could have ever walked away from my husband, but it would have given me the opportunity to prepare for the inevitable.

Forewarned is forearmed

To be prepared means you have everything you need at your disposal to achieve all that you need to so you, and your family, can live the life you deserve. That includes those who challenge you and your family to be better people.

That is why warning labels would have been nice all those years ago. Oh well, I guess I'll have to work on making sure I don't need any when I become a mother-in-law and grandmother.

Or, at least I hope I won't need ones that are too harsh.