A Reflection

Parenthood is often seen through rose-colored glasses. But underneath the polished surface is the reality that is left unspoken.

The family dynamic has changed. The societal dynamic has changed.

What was once a village mindset is now a coupled effort. A task meant to be divided. A load to share. A journey traveled together. But when relationships collapse and life paths are altered, this becomes a singular effort.

And so begins single parenthood. For myself, single motherhood. A journey not intended but created as a means to survive, rebuild, and regain control of my life.

For years, I have painstakingly rebuilt our shattered lives from the ground up. Happiness blooms in our home once again as we continue to grow and flourish. While the pieces of our lives drift into place, I struggle to retain control of our path. Outside interference invades my thoughts as I grapple with the reality of existing in a society that prioritizes wealth over family.

The toll of single parenthood soars as the years fade away. Burnout lingers in the air as I wonder how I will stretch myself another year. The mental toll of single motherhood is never-ending. My brain stresses and burns. It turns and turns as I wonder if I've done enough. Loneliness becomes an old friend as the days blur together and I grow older.

I begin to feel as if I'm enveloped in this suffocating wave of desolation. I can see the light dancing across the surface of the water, but I can't see how to break through the darkness to reach it.

I hold my children above the surface of the water and protect them from the darkness gathering below. Yet somehow, I can't grant myself the same reprieve. How much longer can I tread water before I drift below the surface?

I yearn for a lifeline to guide me through the darkness, but my pleas are met with empty words that bounce off the tongue of the maternal one who once loved me. The lifeline fades into the distance as time and time again my attempt to gather support is met with false promises, paperwork, and a continued utterance of "sorry, we're full".

A mother's sacrifice is infinite; the beginning and end often blur together. But how can I continue to sacrifice my happiness for our survival?

My children's happiness pulls me through my day. Their futures guide my choices as my emotions are forced to the side because there's bills to pay.

Society reminds me again and again that our worth is determined by what we produce and not what we enjoy. Yet I can't help but imagine how different life would be if we were free to pursue our happiness and encourage our children to do the same.

My thoughts are racing as I reenter reality. The mounting stress, the loneliness, the continuous fear that one wrong move will destroy everything I have built circulates through my head in an endless loop.

I am reminded that this is the path I chose when I fled from him and skirted death's grip. Yet I can't deny how I envy those who were given a different path.

Support can provide a light in the all-consuming darkness that surrounds the unknown and uncertain future ahead. It can shed warmth on the loneliness that accompanies single parenthood. Yet many are left out of its embrace and left to navigate on their own.

I know that my love for my children will continue to guide us forward. But I also know that when the day has reached its end, the loneliness and racing thoughts will return as I wonder how we'll make it through another day.